This notorious symbol of intolerance must not be allowed to fly freely!

Reacting to outrage over atrocities committed by Scottish separatists, President Obama today ordered a series of strikes at the heart of the Scottish Caliphate.

“The civilized world has seen the horrors of the advance of Scottish culture” declared the President.

We as a people can no longer stand by and watch the Scottish overrun the entire British Isle.  We owe it to our English friends to come to them in their time of need. I have called Queen Elizabeth and have assured her that we will stand by England in its hour of darkness. The United States and England are the two bastions of English-speaking civilization.  We speak the same language.  We think in the same language. We must ensure the survival of England.  I have also spoken to Prime Minister David Cameron and have told him that we will strike at the heart of the Scottish enemy.

Perhaps reacting to potential Republican criticism of this latest military venture, President Obama assured reporters that there will be no boots on the ground.

These will be surgical strikes.  We will strike Scottish bagpipe players.  We will strike Scottish kilt wearers. We will bomb the Highland Games. We will strike all those learning Gaelic. But there will be no boots on the ground. Actually I wanted to put some boots on the ground but I was overruled by my generals who told me that if I wanted to invade a place that was cold, windswept and desolate I could just as well send the Army to Seattle.  It would be cheaper.  So repeating:  We will strike at the heart of the Scottish Caliphate but there will be no boots on the ground.  And in closing let me say this. Our battle is not with the Scottish people.  Our battle is with the tiny fraction of Scottish separatists.  These people do not speak for Scotland, which I remind people is the Country of Peace.

Overcoming his natural hesitance to intervene in foreign affairs, President Obama reluctantly decided to intervene after Scottish separatists captured an English tourist and forced him to eat Haggis until he vomited.

I have seen that video and frankly what I saw disgusted me.  To capture an innocent Englishman and force him to eat sheep’s guts filled with hearts, livers and lungs is an abomination that is clearly opposed to international law.  My heart goes out to that innocent Englishman and his loved ones.  I understand that the United Nations is asking for his release and hope to obtain it as soon as he is able to leave the bathroom.  And lest world opinion thinks that America is going it alone, I have compiled a coalition of the willing, which at this point includes only Turkmenistan and a guy named Frank from Iowa, who owns some vintage World War I biplanes.  But I’m hoping to widen the coalition should it be needed.

President Obama then concluded his remarks by thanking the American people for their support and departing for a golf course.

Despite not getting congressional authorization for the bombing campaign, Speaker of the House John Boehner stands behind the President’s decision.

“Look I hate the Scots too.  The unspeakable bastards!”

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