GroundHog Gate Scandal Grows!

Actual footage of the assassination!

Actual photo of the assassination!

The scandal surrounding the assassination of Staten Island Chuck by hulking socialist freak Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) continues to rock the very foundations of our Republic.

Here are the facts:

  1. On February 2nd, Groundhog Day, as is tradition, the hulking socialist freak Warren Wilhelm Jr. went to the Staten Island Zoo for Groundhog Day festivities.
  2. Hulking socialist freak, Mayor Willhelm Jr. dropped Staten Island Chuck.
  3. One week later Staten Island Chuck died of “internal injuries consistent with a fall from a great height.”

At least those are the “facts” as reported.  But there is more, there must be more, to this tragic story.

  1. Why was the death of Staten Island Chuck covered up for seven months?
  2. Why are there no autopsy photos of Staten Island Chuck?
  3. Was there a “second dropper.

Fortunately for posterity the assassination was filmed by an amateur at the scene.  What you are about to see is shocking and I urge those with weak constitutions not to watch this clip:

The Zapruder film of GroundHog Gate

Careful and repeated viewings tell a different story than the official one.

Four seconds into the film a man wearing a fedora is briefly seen behind the hulking socialist freak, Mayor Wilhelm Jr.  Perhaps this is the second dropper?

As is seen Staten Island Chuck’s head moves back and to the left. No matter how many times you watch his head always moves back and to the left. This is where the mysterious man in the fedora is standing. (The so-called “second dropper.“)

While the audio in the clip is murky, after putting it through audio scrubbers at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™, hulking socialist freak Wilhelm Jr. can be heard saying to someone (presumably the man in the fedora), “Help me drop this mother!

But why would the hulking socialist freak, Mayor Wilhelm Jr. wish to assassinate Staten Island Chuck?

Was Staten Island Chuck a threat to the hulking socialist freak and the socialist worker’s paradise that he hoped to set up in New York City?

Perhaps Staten Island Chuck favored normalization of relations with Perth Amboy, New Jersey?

Perhaps Staten Island Chuck had ties to the carriage industry in New York (an industry that hulking socialist freak Wilhelm Jr. famously vowed to crush.)

Wilhelm Jr. is married to a black lesbian. One would think that the hulking socialist freak would be sympathetic to Staten Island Chuck, especially since Chuck was actually a “Chuckette” with gender and sexual identity issues.

What happened to the autopsy photos of Staten Island Chuck?  Why was his/her body disposed of?  Could it be hulking socialist freak Wilhelm Jr. is afraid of what the public would find if the body were exhumed?

This is a scandal unlike any other:  The assassination of a marmot by an elected official.

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ promise not to rest until the truth is uncovered.

The socialist state murders another innocent.

The socialist state murders another innocent.

Or until my pizza is delivered.

But rest assured my dedication to the truth will not waver.

Until my pizza arrives that is.


10 Responses

  1. Forget the stupid groundhog! I can’t get decent pizza down here. Do you have any idea of what 22 years of pizza withdrawal is like? If you have a heart, however small, you’ll send a pizza care-package NOW!

  2. Petermc3 says:

    The squirrel lobby was behind SI Chuck’s demise. That’s what I heard.
    Hey Jim I can send you a recipe for delicious crispy thin crust pizza with steaming hot mozzarella cheese topped with pepperoni, sausage, onions…I think I’ll go out for a slice now.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Pizza is an unsocialist food. Those who eat it have proven themselves to be enemies of the socialist worker’s paradise.

  3. Petermc3 says:

    Can I get a yogurt instead?

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Yogart represents the feminine flower and can only be eaten by women. For a member of the patriarchy to eat it is an abomination.

  4. petermc3 says:

    How about cunilingus? Is that also for women only?

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>