We are all going to die.

Today at Manhattan Infidel it is my distinct honor and privilege to interview one of the greatest minds of our generation:  noted physicist Stephen Hawking.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Hawking.

SH: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel, or should I call you Manhattan nonbeliever in the deity?

MI: Actually that’s not why I chose the name Infidel.  But onto my first question – 

SH: Are you disagreeing with the greatest mind of his generation?

MI: Um.

SH:  Punk.  My voice box spits on you.

MI: Okay.  Let’s talk about the Higgs Boson.  You were quoted as saying that you were afraid of the Higgs Boson and that the so-called God particle had the potential to destroy the entire universe.

SH: Yes.  This is true.  The Higgs Boson has the potential to become unstable at energies above 100bn  gigaelectronvolts.  This could mean that the universe could undergo a catastrophic vacuum decay, with the bubble of the true vacuum expanding at the speed of light.  We would never see it coming.

MI: A catastrophic vacuum decay.  Just like what happened to my ElectroLux.

SH: I don’t find you funny punk.

MI: Sorry.  So we are all going to die in a vacuum?

SH: Well let me put your stupid, uncouth, nonelite, poorly educated mind at ease. For 100bn gigalectronvolts to be created we would need a particle accelerator the size of the planet Earth.  And with the current political climate I don’t see that happening.

MI: Thank god.

SH: Yes, a typical ignorant comment from a typical ignorant man.  Fortunately I have reached out to the Vulcans who find my proposal to build a giant particle accelerator the size of Earth to be quite logical.

MI: Did you just call me ignorant?

SH: Oh I’m surprised an idiot like you knows what the word means.

MI: I’ll let that pass.  But is that the only way life can possibly end?

SH: No.  There is the “Big Crunch” which is the opposite of the Big Bang where the universe collapses upon itself.  Also there is the Big Rip where dark matter can literally tear the universe the shreds.

MI: Oh aren’t you just the ball of sunshine.  Speaking of the Big Rip, have you seen many of Rip Torn’s movies?  He was great in Men in Black.

SH: You are such a jackass.  A complete clown.  A buffoon.  A goddamn idiot and I will answer no more questions.

MI: Alright I’m getting tired of you insulting me.  Game on!

SH: Come at me bro!

MI: You are going down!

SH: Speaking of going down your girlfriend was great last night.  She thanked me. Said it felt good to finally have a man.

MI: I’m going to rip your f*cking head off! 

[Manhattan Infidel lunges at Stephen Hawking who manages to move his breath-activated wheelchair out of the way.]

SH: You are such a loser. I’m going to chew up up and sh*t you out motherf*cker!

[A young, attractive women sees the two fighting and calls for the police]

Woman: Police.  Police.  This man is beating up the other man in the wheelchair!

[Police officers arrive and place Manhattan Infidel in handcuffs.]

MI: Arrest him!  He started it!

[Manhattan Infidel is beaten unconscious by police and dragged away.]

Woman:  Are you alright sir?  Who was that bully?

SH: It’s not important dear, sweet lady.  The only important thing is that we met.  

Woman: You sound intelligent.  

SH: Why don’t you come back to my place.  I’ll let you play with my voice box.

Woman: Oh you are so dirty.  And intelligent. I find intelligence sexy.

SH: I have one request.  Do you know what a rusty trombone is?

[The two leave together.]

I must say that was a very unpleasant interview.  Who knew Stephen Hawking was such an asshole.  I’ll get even.  I will.

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