Your 2014 Yankees: The Police State USA Edition

“That’s baseball, and it’s my game. Y’ know, you take your worries to the game, and you leave ’em there. You yell like crazy for your guys. It’s good for your lungs, gives you a lift, and nobody calls the cops. Pretty girls, lots of ’em.” ~Humphrey Bogart

Right fielder Jose Bautista is an asshole, but you probably already knew that.

Toronto Right fielder Jose Bautista is an asshole, but you probably already knew that.

On a rare Saturday 4 pm start I traveled to the Bronx (after getting up at 4 am to get to work and finishing my shift) to see the Yankees play the Toronto Blue Jays.

The Yankees started Chris Capuano (2-4 4.67) and while Toronto countered with Marcus Stroman (11-6 3.77).

Toronto got on the board in the top of the first Jose “Yes, I am an asshole” Bautista on an 0-2 count singled to left field.  The next batter Edwin “I too am an asshat but not as big as Bautista” Encarnacion on a 1-2 count doubled to center field scoring Bautista.  1-0 Toronto after a half inning.

The Yankees tied the score in the bottom of the third. Derek Jeter singled and went to second on a wild pitch.  Brian “I may suck but not at bad at Teixeira” McCann then singled him home. Tie score after three innings.

The Yanks briefly held the lead when in the bottom of the fourth on a 1-2 count Chase Headley singled to right field.  Ichiro Suzuki then hit a blooper that was just out of reach of shortstop Jose Reyes, moving Headley to second.  On a 2-1 count Francisco Cervelli singled home Headley.  2-1 Yankees after four.

Unfortunately that would be the last time the Yankees had the lead.

Capuano pitched effectively but simply ran out of gas in the sixth.  Jose “Needs repeating: This man is an asshole” Bautista led off with a walk. Encarnacion on a 2-2 count singled and Bautista went to third on second baseman Stephen Drew’s throwing error. After a Dioner Navarro walked loaded the bases Danny Valencia hit a ground rule double scoring Bautista and Encarnacion. John Mayberry Jr, (son of the great John Mayberry) hit a sacrifice fly scoring Navarro.   4-2 Toronto after 5 1/2.

Toronto scored again in the top of the seventh when the asshole Bautista homered on a 2-1 pitch to right field.  5-2 Toronto after 6 1/2.

And Toronto scored one more time in the top of the ninth and the Yankees scored once more in the bottom of the ninth (thanks to retiring hero Derek Jeter.)

Final score:  Toronto 6 Yankee 3.

Note on the game:

The Derek Jeter retirement tour continues.  (Jeesh this guy will do anything to get his mind off of losing Minka Kelly.)

Is this woman the reason Derek Jeter went 0-28?

Is this woman the reason Derek Jeter went 0-28?

Jeter went 2-5, driving in a run while only striking out once.  The usual flags around Yankee Stadium were replaced with pinstripe flags with the number “2” on them.  The Yankees also are wearing number “2” on their uniforms.  I’m not sure I approve of this.

The transformation of America into a police state continues as I had to go through a metal detector to enter the ballpark.

Bend over and enjoy it America because you are taking it up the ass!

Bend over and enjoy it America because you are taking it up the ass!

It’s for our protection of course and not because the so-called security industry is a multi-billion dollar business.  And certainly not because the two worst presidents in U.S. history, Bush 43 and Bush 44 (the current occupant of the White House) are in bed with big business.  Get used to it America.  Bend over and enjoy it.  Starting next year all Major League ballparks will have metal detectors installed at all entrances.  For our protection, you see.

Random thought:  If Dracula were to attend a baseball game and eat too many hot dogs would that be a full count?  Thank you.  I’m here all week people.  Tip your waitress and drive home safely.

Here is video of Derek Jeter flying out to right field. (Hey, at least he didn’t ground out into a double play.)


The Manhattan Infidel heckel of the game:

My heckle of “We both are, and know that we are, and delight in our being, and our knowledge of it. Moreover, in these three things no true-seeming illusion disturbs us; for we do not come into contact with these by some bodily sense, as we perceive the things outside of us of all which sensible objects it is the images resembling them, but not themselves which we perceive in the mind and hold in the memory, and which excite us to desire the objects” didn’t fire up the crowd.  Perhaps I must shorten my heckles in the future.

Recommended reading material:

Toronto Blue Jay Right Field Jose Bautista is an asshole.  (Note: There is no such book but there should be.)

You may be asking why is Jose Bautista (pictured here)

Jose Bautista is an asshole.

Jose Bautista is a jackass

an asshole?  Simply this:  After he caught a pop up to end the inning he turned around and pretended he was going to through the ball to a kid in the stands.  Instead he stopped, taunting the stands and running back to the dugout, disappointing a young kid who thought he was going to get a souvenir.  When Jose Bautista retires there will be no “respect” commercials made for him.

Reader mail:

A.P of Poughkeepsie writes, “I delight in my being.”

Just close the blinds when you do it, son.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I delighted in my being once.  It made me feel funny.  I got sick and cried.”

Walk it off son.  When you have these feelings keep yourself busy.

Someone who calls herself  L.T. of New York writes, “I have photos of celebrities delighting in their being.  I can sell them to you.”

I wouldn’t think of doing something so offensive.  Unless it was a picture of Olivia Wilde delighting in her being.

My record this year stands at 5-9.  My next and last game of the year is Wednesday September 24th against the winners of the American League East, the Baltimore Orioles.

Go Yankees!



6 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    Obviously Humphrey Bogart hasn’t been to a MLBB game recently. The cops are women and if you yell like crazy for your guys you’re probably gay.

  2. petermc3 says:

    You think Sinatra shares?

  3. “Is this woman the reason Derek Jeter went 0-28?”

    Was that 0-28 with the Yanks or with her? If he missed 28 times with her, no wonder he’s in a funk.

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