Cut Obama some slack. The NFL playoffs were on!

It is a slow news day here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™.  And by slow news day I have decided to spend my time sending photos of my penis on Snapchat rather than look at the papers.

But it seems I cannot ignore the outside world. Try as I may my voyeuristic self-pleasuring keeps getting interrupted by breaking news text alerts.  And so, since the pen is mightier than the Snapchat penis selfie I now comment on two breaking news issues.

Obama Snubs French Unity March

Apparently there was some sort of “Unity March” in Paris because of the man-caused workplace violence incident last week. French President Francois Hollande, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, British Prime Minister David Cameron and dozens of other world leaders marched.  But not President Obama.  Not Vice President Biden. Many people are outraged that our President was not there. But before we condemn President Obama I think we should hear from him.  So I called him.  Our conversation was brief but informative.

BO: Hello?

MI: President Obama, It’s me, Manhattan Infidel.  May I ask you why you didn’t attend the unity march?

BO: Of course.  The explanation was a simple one.  It was Sunday.  The NFL playoffs were on.  I rarely get a chance to watch football. Michelle doesn’t like the game. But she’s away shopping somewhere so I decided to take advantage of the situation.  Besides all this hysteria is an overreaction.  Islam after all is the religion of peace and I didn’t want to contribute to the climate of hate. If I had a son he would have looked like one of the two brothers gunned down by the French.

MI: Well that makes perfect sense.  I think.  

BO:  Say what did you say your name was?

MI: Manhattan Infidel.

BO: Did you just send me a photo on Snapchat?

MI: Yeah, sorry about that.  It was only supposed to go to a few people on my contact list.

BO: No need to apologize.  So……….have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

MI: Oh look I’m getting another call.

BO: Don’t be a stranger.  I haven’t known the touch of another human since Michelle threw me out of bed after the selfie incident with the Danish Prime Minister at Mandela’s funeral.

Five People Shot at Chris Brown Concert

Popular rapper Chris Brown was giving a concert at a San Jose nightclub when gunfire broke out and five people were shot.  None of the injuries are life threatening. Brown has released the following statement to the press:

While performing at a nightclub five of my fans were shot.  Unfortunately none of the people shot was that bitch Rihanna.  I want everyone to know that I am okay.  One hundred percent okay. And that is the important thing.

I also want to apologize to my fans for having only five people shot at one of my concerts.  I realize that this is a very low number.  I have asked my entourage to try to shoot more people at my concerts in the future.  I don’t have to tell you that in the rap industry an artist is judged by how many people are shot at his concerts.  It’s very competitive.  I mean sometimes I ask myself, “Why?  Why am I doing this? Shouldn’t we all live in peace and harmony?”

That last part was a joke.  Fuck peace and harmony. I want more people shot at my concerts! And if the shootings don’t get into the double digits I’ll have my entourage shoot each other.

Chris Brown.

And so having done my duty to Al Gore’s beautiful creation, the internet, I shall now get back to my Snapchatting.  And stay away from any Chris Brown concerts.  I only have three regular readers and I’d hate to lose any.

What?  What do you mean Jim from Asylum Watch was shot at a Chris Brown concert?

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I’m sorry for everything

Lately apologies have been all the rage.  From scientists having to apologize over t shirts to Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting having to apologize for offending feminists it seems everyone wants to apologize.  Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we wish to join the bandwagon.

However since at the moment we have nothing to apologize for (If neighbors didn’t want to see my penis they shouldn’t answer their door when I knock) I have compiled a list of things in the future that I can apologize for.

The winter of 2018-2019

I want to apologize for this winter. Sixty straight days of sub-zero temperatures are enough to try anyone’s patience.  It won’t happen again. But on the bright side, Al Gore will freeze to death during this winter.

Something somebody said to someone else

On June 23, 2017 someone will say something to someone else. The other person, without the benefit of a trigger warning, is caught off guard.  Permanently emotionally scarred this person will get a job with the Federal government.

Bono

Straight off I want to apologize for everything Bono will do for the rest of his life, including being caught in bed with President Elizabeth Warren and comparing her to Geronimo.  “They are both warriors of color” he will say.  May he one day choke on his sunglasses.

Latvia

Still refusing to be Croatia or Lithuania.  For that I apologize.

The temporal anomaly of 2022

Sometime in 2022 the world will experience a temporal anomaly.  George Burns will emerge from a black hole and regale us with tales of his wife Gracie.  For this I apologize.

The patriarchy of 2019

2019 will be a year filled with patriarchy.  Men will watch sports, drink beer and have sex with women.  While normally I favor the patriarchy I realize that someone in the future might be offended.  I apologize.

The temporal anomaly of 2024

George Burns will once again emerge from a black hole.  He will refuse to go back until he can appear on Johnny Carson and make a movie with John Denver.  When informed that both are dead Burns will exclaim “Well f*ck it then” and join ISIS.

Manhattan Infidel’s post of January 24th, 2016

In this post I will call for the extermination of all dogs, cats, Welshman, Canadians and Australians.  I will also post nude selfies.  What can I say.  I will be drunk when I write the post.

The temporal anomaly of 2025

A bruised and bloody George Burns will again emerge from a black hole.  “Those ISIS fellows don’t like Jews. Just like Lou Costello!”

The temporal anomaly of 2026

Al Gore will emerge from a black hole. “My god, it’s full of stars and I don’t mean Leonardo DiCaprio” he will say. Shortly after this, crazed with hunger he will break into a meat locker. His frozen body will be found two days later.

Latvia

Once again sometime in 2020 I will apologize for Latvia refusing to be Lithuania or Croatia.  I mean the nerve of these people!

The temporal anomaly of 2027

Bing Crosby and Bob Hope will emerge from a black hole to promote their new movie: “The Road to Patriarchy”.  I wish to apologize to any feminists who might be offended.  In the future Crosby and Hope promise to have trigger warnings in all their road movies.

Manhattan Infidel’s post of April 27, 2021

In this post I will come out in favor of skinning alive all children under the age of seven and using their flesh to make handbags.  I apologize for this and promise to lay off the meth.

And there you have it.  The list of things I plan to apologize for in the future.

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These people, probably former employees with a workplace grudge, are considered suspects

With the tragic news coming out of Paris that a newspaper had been attacked and dozens killed the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ sprang into action to cover the story.

Doing my duty as a member of the mainstream media I now present this handy template so readers can make sense of these events.

Three men shot and killed 12 people at a newspaper in Paris because

• They were disaffected former employees
• It was a right-wing newspaper and they deserved what they got
• The motives of the shooters will probably remain a mystery
• Don’t you dare blame this on Islam you racist!

What phrase did the attackers shout as they performed their workplace violence?

• We love Jesus!
• Sarah Palin for President
• What they said exactly couldn’t be made out with any degree of certainty. Most likely as right wingers they were shouting something about lowering taxes
• Allah?  Allah who?

Reports indicate that the attackers were very religious

• Well that figures.  Christians have been killing people for two thousand years
• Organized religion equals hate
• Thank god Francis is Pope.  He’ll put a stop to violence by favoring abortion rights and gay marriage
• If they said something that sounded like Allah they were probably talking about Muhammad Ali. He was the greatest boxer ever and a convert to the Religion of Peace™

The newspaper attacked was a satirical newspaper that often poked fun at sacred cows

• Satire is bullying.  #banbullying
• Free speech is not an absolute.  The “satires” offend people and are in poor taste
• They should at least place a trigger warning on the magazine’s cover or something
• As long as they stick to insulting Christians that’s okay with me. Crucifix covered in feces?  Cutting edge baby!

What can we do to ensure that workplace violence like this never happens again?

• Universal healthcare would help reduce violence
• Raising taxes to provide for social programs would help reduce violence
• Gun control!  I’ll say it again!  Gun control!
• Submit to Sharia law!

What if in the unlikely event the shooters turn out to be Muslim?

• This would be tragic and lead to violence against Muslims all across Europe
• This is a highly unlikely scenario and I won’t discuss hypotheticals
• Can you blame them?  They have had to deal with being blamed for 9/11 for 13 years.  #Fueldoesnotmeltsteel
• Sarah Palin’s son stepped on a dog!

I hope this template will help my readers interpret correctly the still-unfolding tragic events.

Oh and Sarah Palin’s son stepped on a dog!

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Events may not happed as specified. Do not take 2015 if you are taking nitrates for chest pain.

Like most bloggers I have the ability to travel through space and time.  This has many advantages, one of which is I get to report on events that have not yet happened. (Why wait until next December to find out what the year brings?)  Because time travel is like bacon.  Mm.  Bacon.  Bacon bacon bacon bacon. Sorry. I lost my train of thought.

So sit back while I give you a review of the year that was 2015:

January

New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., (stage name Bill de Blasio), while addressing a group of visiting Nicaraguan dignitaries is surprised when en masse they turn their back to him.  Nonplussed, Wilhelm Jr., promised to repair fences between himself and the Nicaraguan community.  “They used to love me back in the Sandinista days” he tells MSNBC.

February

A crisis erupts on the NYU campus after a coed discovers the word “rape” in a dictionary.  The campus is locked down and trigger warning are emailed to the student body. The NYU president promises in the future to only stock the campus with non-patriarchal dictionaries. New York mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., visits the campus in an attempt to calm fears.  The student body, en masse, turn their backs on him.  “Oh come on!  I’m not even a member of the patriarchy!’ protests Wilhelm Jr.

March

The New York Yankees report to spring training and promise to suck even more than last year.  Alex Rodriguez spontaneously combusts from years of HGH use.

April

The New York Mets announce they are broke and sell the team to a Dubai prince who moves them to his kingdom, making it the first Major League franchise located in the Middle East.  But, since it is the Mets, no one notices or cares.

May

While addressing a group of preschoolers, New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. is shocked when, en masse, the preschoolers turn their backs to him.  Wilhelm Jr. promises to work harder to build bridges with the preschool community.  “They aren’t turning their backs on me.  It’s rape they are turning their backs on” he tells reporters.

June

Al Sharpton says something stupid. Race riots ensue. President Obama calls Sharpton his “point man” on race relations and blames Fox News for the rioting.

July

As race riots continue into their second month, New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., visits Harlem in hopes of ending the violence.  He is shocked as rioters turn their backs on him.  “Oh come on!  I married one of you people!” he tells them.

August

True to their pre-season boast, the Yankee enter the dog days of August sucking and sucking badly.  As attendance plummets Yankee management raises ticket prices as an inducement to get fans back into the seats.  As for the Mets, who really gives a shit.  Last anyone heard or cared they had moved out of Queens to some unknown location.

September

While feeding his dog in Gracie Mansion, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. is shocked when his dog turns his back on him.  Wilhelm Jr., promises to do all his can to rebuild shattered trust between himself and the canine community.  “Some of my best friends are dogs” he tells the press.

October

Temperatures begin to drop across the United States.  President Obama, blaming climate change, enacts a law banning all internal combustion engines.  Civilians are prohibited from traveling more than ten miles from their residence or using flush toilets.  From Air Force One the President calls his legislation his “signature achievement.”  He then uses the flush toilet onboard Air Force One. The waste is dumped out of the plane, landing on civilians as they build their new outhouses.

November

While attempting to pardon a turkey for Thanksgiving, New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., is shocked when the turkey turns his back on him.  Wilhelm Jr., recalls how he often tells his mixed race children to be wary of turkeys. “If my children were white I would not have to do this, unfortunately” he says.

December

Aliens land in New York City, taking Gracie Mansion and holding Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. hostage. Wilhelm Jr. is shocked when the aliens not only turn their backs on him but refuse to probe him anally. “I’m the mayor!  Look at all I’ve done for this town.  If anyone deserves to be anally probed it’s me!” he tells the aliens.

And there you have it.  The year in advance review.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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Welcome to my New Years’ Eve of Color

Hoping to attract a younger, hipper demographic MSNBC announced that its New Year’s Eve special this year will be “A Very Special New Year’s Eve of Color With Al Sharpton.”

Announcer:  Live from New York City it’s Al Sharpton’s New Year’s Eve of Color.  And now your host Al Sharpton.

AS:  Thank you announcer.  Where’s the damn teleprompter?  Are we live? 

Director:  We’re live!

AS:  Welcome to my special New Year’s Eve of Color from Harlem where peoples of color can come together to celebrate their holiday away from the white man.  Why Harlem?  Because the man celebrates his New Year’s Eve in Times Square. Why Time’s Square and not Harlem?  Because the man hates black people! I’d like to introduce my cohost for tonight So-so-so-Fire Ver-ver – I can’t read the teleprompter.  What’s your name?

SV:  Sofia Vergara. 

This woman is not black

SV:  I’m Sofia Vergara from ABC’s hit show Modern Family and it’s my pleasure to be here to celebrate a very special New Year’s Eve of Color.  You know being from Columbia I never dreamed that one day I’d be in New York hosting a special like this.

AS:  What the hell. You’re not black!

SV: Um, no.  I’m from South America.

AS:  Get the hell off my show!

[Sharpton pushes her off the set]

AS:  Isn’t that just like the white man. Trying to dilute what it means to be a person of color by bringing on Hispanics.  I bet Rudy Guiliani, that’s right, Rudy Jew-liani is behind this.  Our first guest is international singing sensation Enri-enya-Enri-kay Igloo-Ig.  I can’t read the teleprompter. What the hell is your name?

EI:  I’m Enrique Iglesias.

Also not a black man

AS: What the hell. You’re not black either.  Another white person!

EI: Actually I was born and raised in Spain then moved to Miami when I was a teenager.

AS:  You’re still white.  Get off my set!

[Sharpton pushes him off the set]

AS:  Director I said this was a New Year’s Eve of Color.  Stop sending me Hispanics.  Send me a black man.

[Bill Cosby enters]

Possibly black

BC:   New Year’s Eve makes me feel like I have jello pudding inside me.

AS: Is this a conspiracy by white folk?

[Sharpton pushes Cosby off the set]

AS:  Well I see that it is almost time for the ball to drop.  Because this is a New Year’s Eve of Color the ball will be black. 

Director:  What the hell am I supposed to point the cameras at? I can’t see a black ball at night.

AS:  I apologize for my white director.  He is racist.  Just point the cameras honkey.  Now we did have some lights to illu-allum – I can’t read the teleprompter.  We had some lights to light up the ball but they were stolen.  Probably by teabaggers.  And now the countdown.  10-9-8-7-

[Shots ring out]

AS:  Who’s shooting?  They better be shooting at Hispanics. 

[The ball is hit by gunfire, falls off and starts rolling down 125th street]

Producer:  We’re not paying for that.

AS:  I’m Al Sharpton saying having a very happy New Year’s Eve of Color.  That is if the white man will let you. Where the hell is the teleprompter operator?  He must be white.  I can’t read that damn thing.  Goodnight.

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