In the News

Cut Obama some slack. The NFL playoffs were on!

Cut Obama some slack. The NFL playoffs were on!

It is a slow news day here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™.  And by slow news day I have decided to spend my time sending photos of my penis on Snapchat rather than look at the papers.

But it seems I cannot ignore the outside world. Try as I may my voyeuristic self-pleasuring keeps getting interrupted by breaking news text alerts.  And so, since the pen is mightier than the Snapchat penis selfie I now comment on two breaking news issues.

Obama Snubs French Unity March

Apparently there was some sort of “Unity March” in Paris because of the man-caused workplace violence incident last week. French President Francois Hollande, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, British Prime Minister David Cameron and dozens of other world leaders marched.  But not President Obama.  Not Vice President Biden. Many people are outraged that our President was not there. But before we condemn President Obama I think we should hear from him.  So I called him.  Our conversation was brief but informative.

BO: Hello?

MI: President Obama, It’s me, Manhattan Infidel.  May I ask you why you didn’t attend the unity march?

BO: Of course.  The explanation was a simple one.  It was Sunday.  The NFL playoffs were on.  I rarely get a chance to watch football. Michelle doesn’t like the game. But she’s away shopping somewhere so I decided to take advantage of the situation.  Besides all this hysteria is an overreaction.  Islam after all is the religion of peace and I didn’t want to contribute to the climate of hate. If I had a son he would have looked like one of the two brothers gunned down by the French.

MI: Well that makes perfect sense.  I think.  

BO:  Say what did you say your name was?

MI: Manhattan Infidel.

BO: Did you just send me a photo on Snapchat?

MI: Yeah, sorry about that.  It was only supposed to go to a few people on my contact list.

BO: No need to apologize.  So……….have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

MI: Oh look I’m getting another call.

BO: Don’t be a stranger.  I haven’t known the touch of another human since Michelle threw me out of bed after the selfie incident with the Danish Prime Minister at Mandela’s funeral.

Five People Shot at Chris Brown Concert

Popular rapper Chris Brown was giving a concert at a San Jose nightclub when gunfire broke out and five people were shot.  None of the injuries are life threatening. Brown has released the following statement to the press:

While performing at a nightclub five of my fans were shot.  Unfortunately none of the people shot was that bitch Rihanna.  I want everyone to know that I am okay.  One hundred percent okay. And that is the important thing.

I also want to apologize to my fans for having only five people shot at one of my concerts.  I realize that this is a very low number.  I have asked my entourage to try to shoot more people at my concerts in the future.  I don’t have to tell you that in the rap industry an artist is judged by how many people are shot at his concerts.  It’s very competitive.  I mean sometimes I ask myself, “Why?  Why am I doing this? Shouldn’t we all live in peace and harmony?”

That last part was a joke.  Fuck peace and harmony. I want more people shot at my concerts! And if the shootings don’t get into the double digits I’ll have my entourage shoot each other.

Chris Brown.

And so having done my duty to Al Gore’s beautiful creation, the internet, I shall now get back to my Snapchatting.  And stay away from any Chris Brown concerts.  I only have three regular readers and I’d hate to lose any.

What?  What do you mean Jim from Asylum Watch was shot at a Chris Brown concert?


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