Jets Fire Gandalf!

You shall not pass!  The ground game is the key to victory!

You shall not pass! The ground game is the key to victory!

One week after firing head coach Rex Ryan and GM John Idzik after a disappointing 4-12 season the axe fell on the Jets offensive coordinator, Gandalf.

“We had high hopes for Gandalf when he hired him” said the Jets owner, Woody Johnson.  “It just didn’t work out.”

Before being hired by the Jets Gandalf was best known as a wizard who helped destroy the ring of all power.  Said Johnson:

Even though he had no previous experience in professional football, or any experience at any level of football, in fact I don’t know if Middle Earth has even heard of football, we still hired him because we liked his philosophy.  He kept saying things like ‘You shall not pass” and “run!” during the job interview.  I was very impressed with this.  The Jets needed new a offensive philosophy to compete and he seemed to be the one who could do it. I told him we had to defeat the Ravens and that’s when he jumped up and shouted “I defeated a Balrog and I can defeat a damn raven!’ So we hired him on the spot.

Things did not work out as planned for the Jets.  Said one source who wishes to remain anonymous:

We’d go to meetings and instead of showing us game films he would just pound his staff into the floor and say “You shall not pass.” He kept saying this over and over.  Look I know the Jets wanted us to run more but sometimes you have to mix up the plays a little bit.

There were also reports of racial tension in the locker room.

“Lots of the brothers didn’t like him” said one player.

He insisted on being called “Gandalf the White” like he was stressing he was superior to us because he was white.  Who the f*ck does this guy think he is?  I almost got into a fight with him once when he pulled that “call me Gandalf the White” shit on me.  So a lot of us just started calling him “whitey” behind his back.  Cracka muthaf*cker.

The lack of respect the players felt for Gandalf got so bad that they started ignoring his play calling.

We just did what we thought would help us score.  We didn’t even look at him.  Occasionally after throwing a pass we’d hear him screaming “I told you that you shall not pass!”  We’d just laugh at him when we were in the huddle.

As for what the Jets plan to do next, inside information suggests that they are close to hiring Air Force general Curtis Lemay (pictured here)

Air power is the key!

Air power is the key!

as their next offensive coordinator.

“We know he likes air power and will pass a lot” Johnson told reporters.

Gandalf meanwhile is in talks with Fox about developing a TV series depicting the struggle for Middle Earth.  Nick Nolte is

You shall not pass. What's my characters motivation for saying this?

You shall not pass. What’s my characters motivation for saying this?

currently the favorite to take the role of Gandalf.

If green-lighted the show will begin production in the fall.


7 Responses

  1. In other words, the Jets will keep on sucking wind.

  2. innominatus says:

    I think Yoda would make a good defensive coordinator.

  3. Petermc3 says:

    I understand Bilbo and Frodo are currently being interviewed.

  4. petermc3 says:

    Yes he is currently a maintenance engineer at one of the many mosques in Ann Arbor.

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