Events may not happed as specified. Do not take 2015 if you are taking nitrates for chest pain.

Like most bloggers I have the ability to travel through space and time.  This has many advantages, one of which is I get to report on events that have not yet happened. (Why wait until next December to find out what the year brings?)  Because time travel is like bacon.  Mm.  Bacon.  Bacon bacon bacon bacon. Sorry. I lost my train of thought.

So sit back while I give you a review of the year that was 2015:

January

New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., (stage name Bill de Blasio), while addressing a group of visiting Nicaraguan dignitaries is surprised when en masse they turn their back to him.  Nonplussed, Wilhelm Jr., promised to repair fences between himself and the Nicaraguan community.  “They used to love me back in the Sandinista days” he tells MSNBC.

February

A crisis erupts on the NYU campus after a coed discovers the word “rape” in a dictionary.  The campus is locked down and trigger warning are emailed to the student body. The NYU president promises in the future to only stock the campus with non-patriarchal dictionaries. New York mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., visits the campus in an attempt to calm fears.  The student body, en masse, turn their backs on him.  “Oh come on!  I’m not even a member of the patriarchy!’ protests Wilhelm Jr.

March

The New York Yankees report to spring training and promise to suck even more than last year.  Alex Rodriguez spontaneously combusts from years of HGH use.

April

The New York Mets announce they are broke and sell the team to a Dubai prince who moves them to his kingdom, making it the first Major League franchise located in the Middle East.  But, since it is the Mets, no one notices or cares.

May

While addressing a group of preschoolers, New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. is shocked when, en masse, the preschoolers turn their backs to him.  Wilhelm Jr. promises to work harder to build bridges with the preschool community.  “They aren’t turning their backs on me.  It’s rape they are turning their backs on” he tells reporters.

June

Al Sharpton says something stupid. Race riots ensue. President Obama calls Sharpton his “point man” on race relations and blames Fox News for the rioting.

July

As race riots continue into their second month, New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., visits Harlem in hopes of ending the violence.  He is shocked as rioters turn their backs on him.  “Oh come on!  I married one of you people!” he tells them.

August

True to their pre-season boast, the Yankee enter the dog days of August sucking and sucking badly.  As attendance plummets Yankee management raises ticket prices as an inducement to get fans back into the seats.  As for the Mets, who really gives a shit.  Last anyone heard or cared they had moved out of Queens to some unknown location.

September

While feeding his dog in Gracie Mansion, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. is shocked when his dog turns his back on him.  Wilhelm Jr., promises to do all his can to rebuild shattered trust between himself and the canine community.  “Some of my best friends are dogs” he tells the press.

October

Temperatures begin to drop across the United States.  President Obama, blaming climate change, enacts a law banning all internal combustion engines.  Civilians are prohibited from traveling more than ten miles from their residence or using flush toilets.  From Air Force One the President calls his legislation his “signature achievement.”  He then uses the flush toilet onboard Air Force One. The waste is dumped out of the plane, landing on civilians as they build their new outhouses.

November

While attempting to pardon a turkey for Thanksgiving, New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., is shocked when the turkey turns his back on him.  Wilhelm Jr., recalls how he often tells his mixed race children to be wary of turkeys. “If my children were white I would not have to do this, unfortunately” he says.

December

Aliens land in New York City, taking Gracie Mansion and holding Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. hostage. Wilhelm Jr. is shocked when the aliens not only turn their backs on him but refuse to probe him anally. “I’m the mayor!  Look at all I’ve done for this town.  If anyone deserves to be anally probed it’s me!” he tells the aliens.

And there you have it.  The year in advance review.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

(573)