I’m sorry for everything

Lately apologies have been all the rage.  From scientists having to apologize over t shirts to Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting having to apologize for offending feminists it seems everyone wants to apologize.  Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we wish to join the bandwagon.

However since at the moment we have nothing to apologize for (If neighbors didn’t want to see my penis they shouldn’t answer their door when I knock) I have compiled a list of things in the future that I can apologize for.

The winter of 2018-2019

I want to apologize for this winter. Sixty straight days of sub-zero temperatures are enough to try anyone’s patience.  It won’t happen again. But on the bright side, Al Gore will freeze to death during this winter.

Something somebody said to someone else

On June 23, 2017 someone will say something to someone else. The other person, without the benefit of a trigger warning, is caught off guard.  Permanently emotionally scarred this person will get a job with the Federal government.

Bono

Straight off I want to apologize for everything Bono will do for the rest of his life, including being caught in bed with President Elizabeth Warren and comparing her to Geronimo.  “They are both warriors of color” he will say.  May he one day choke on his sunglasses.

Latvia

Still refusing to be Croatia or Lithuania.  For that I apologize.

The temporal anomaly of 2022

Sometime in 2022 the world will experience a temporal anomaly.  George Burns will emerge from a black hole and regale us with tales of his wife Gracie.  For this I apologize.

The patriarchy of 2019

2019 will be a year filled with patriarchy.  Men will watch sports, drink beer and have sex with women.  While normally I favor the patriarchy I realize that someone in the future might be offended.  I apologize.

The temporal anomaly of 2024

George Burns will once again emerge from a black hole.  He will refuse to go back until he can appear on Johnny Carson and make a movie with John Denver.  When informed that both are dead Burns will exclaim “Well f*ck it then” and join ISIS.

Manhattan Infidel’s post of January 24th, 2016

In this post I will call for the extermination of all dogs, cats, Welshman, Canadians and Australians.  I will also post nude selfies.  What can I say.  I will be drunk when I write the post.

The temporal anomaly of 2025

A bruised and bloody George Burns will again emerge from a black hole.  “Those ISIS fellows don’t like Jews. Just like Lou Costello!”

The temporal anomaly of 2026

Al Gore will emerge from a black hole. “My god, it’s full of stars and I don’t mean Leonardo DiCaprio” he will say. Shortly after this, crazed with hunger he will break into a meat locker. His frozen body will be found two days later.

Latvia

Once again sometime in 2020 I will apologize for Latvia refusing to be Lithuania or Croatia.  I mean the nerve of these people!

The temporal anomaly of 2027

Bing Crosby and Bob Hope will emerge from a black hole to promote their new movie: “The Road to Patriarchy”.  I wish to apologize to any feminists who might be offended.  In the future Crosby and Hope promise to have trigger warnings in all their road movies.

Manhattan Infidel’s post of April 27, 2021

In this post I will come out in favor of skinning alive all children under the age of seven and using their flesh to make handbags.  I apologize for this and promise to lay off the meth.

And there you have it.  The list of things I plan to apologize for in the future.

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