These people, probably former employees with a workplace grudge, are considered suspects
With the tragic news coming out of Paris that a newspaper had been attacked and dozens killed the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ sprang into action to cover the story.
Doing my duty as a member of the mainstream media I now present this handy template so readers can make sense of these events.
Three men shot and killed 12 people at a newspaper in Paris because
- They were disaffected former employees
- It was a right-wing newspaper and they deserved what they got
- The motives of the shooters will probably remain a mystery
- Don’t you dare blame this on Islam you racist!
What phrase did the attackers shout as they performed their workplace violence?
- We love Jesus!
- Sarah Palin for President
- What they said exactly couldn’t be made out with any degree of certainty. Most likely as right wingers they were shouting something about lowering taxes
- Allah? Allah who?
Reports indicate that the attackers were very religious
- Well that figures. Christians have been killing people for two thousand years
- Organized religion equals hate
- Thank god Francis is Pope. He’ll put a stop to violence by favoring abortion rights and gay marriage
- If they said something that sounded like Allah they were probably talking about Muhammad Ali. He was the greatest boxer ever and a convert to the Religion of Peace™
The newspaper attacked was a satirical newspaper that often poked fun at sacred cows
- Satire is bullying. #banbullying
- Free speech is not an absolute. The “satires” offend people and are in poor taste
- They should at least place a trigger warning on the magazine’s cover or something
- As long as they stick to insulting Christians that’s okay with me. Crucifix covered in feces? Cutting edge baby!
What can we do to ensure that workplace violence like this never happens again?
- Universal healthcare would help reduce violence
- Raising taxes to provide for social programs would help reduce violence
- Gun control! I’ll say it again! Gun control!
- Submit to Sharia law!
What if in the unlikely event the shooters turn out to be Muslim?
- This would be tragic and lead to violence against Muslims all across Europe
- This is a highly unlikely scenario and I won’t discuss hypotheticals
- Can you blame them? They have had to deal with being blamed for 9/11 for 13 years. #Fueldoesnotmeltsteel
- Sarah Palin’s son stepped on a dog!
I hope this template will help my readers interpret correctly the still-unfolding tragic events.
Oh and Sarah Palin’s son stepped on a dog!
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As an American, I respect people’s right to practice their religion, which is what these gentlemen were doing, right. I don’t know what the French are so up tight about, do you. Well, I suppose there is a case for charging them with lead poisoning.
Well at the risk of offending people I find it ironic. For years Europe has delighted in lecturing Americans on how stupid we are. We are nothing but stupid cowboys who don’t understand the nuanced ways of intelligent, soft-power Europe. And here is France going all cowboy over the deaths of only 12 people. I guess if the Muslims had flown a plane into the Eiffel tower they’d be nuking people.
Nuanced soft power indeed.
Is stepping on a dog haram?
Good reporting, Infidel.
But you missed out Gun Control.
Error.