Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., (Stage Name Bill de Blasio) Hospitalized with Butt Hurt!

My butt hurts!

My butt hurts!

Embattled New York City Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., (stage name Bill de Blasio) was hospitalized today with an unknown ailment.

“He came in on a stretcher” said a nurse.

He was on his stomach and he had his butt up in the air.  He kept screaming, “It hurts.  It hurts.  God it hurts!”  The nurses gave him some sedation while the doctors took turns looking at his butt.

Sources say that Mayor Wilhelm Jr., started to feel a discomfort in his butt while attending the funeral of slain NYPD officer Wenjian Liu.

“As he was speaking he noticed that all the cops were turning their backs to him” said a high-ranking NYPD official.

He seemed to be in some discomfort during the eulogy.  Then afterwards he wouldn’t sit down.  He told me that his butt hurt.  He also told me that he felt disrespected by the cops when they turned their backs to him.

After the funeral the mayor left in his limo.

“He was all antsy-pants” in the back seat said his driver.

He kept moving around trying to get comfortable.  He was clearly in distress. Then he shouted, “Goddammit my butt hurts!”  That’s when I dropped him off at Gracie Mansion.

After arriving at Gracie Mansion the mayor attempted to eat dinner but was unable to finish it.

“He tried to sit down for dinner” said one of the butlers.

Then he stood up and said “F*ck it.  I’ll eat my caviar standing up.”  He tried eating that way for awhile but eventually he just couldn’t take it any longer.  That’s when the ambulance was called.

Loaded into the ambulance he was driven to Roosevelt Hospital for examination. Doctors were at a loss as to his diagnosis.

“He wasn’t very specific” said one doctor.

All he could tell us was that his butt really hurt.  A lot.  And he also complained about the NYPD turning their backs to him.  We tried injecting a needle with pain killers into his butt but that’s when he started screaming from the pain.

After consulting with specialists, the ER doctors diagnosed the mayor with an acute case of “Assinus Butt Hurtias”, a rare affliction once thought confined solely to feminists.

Apparently every time he mentions the NYPD the pain in his butt increases. We’ve tried to get him to concentrate on other things to try to lower his pain.

Mayor Wilhelm was held overnight and given liquids and a copy of New Yorker magazine to read.

“We think he’ll be better” said his doctor.  “The real test of his butt hurt will be the next time the NYPD turns his back on him.”

And on a related note, two more NYPD officers were shot Monday night.  Fortunately both survived.

Two NYPD officers shot



2 Responses

  1. Well, we know it can’t be hemorrhoids. Perfect assholes don’t have hemorrhoids.

  2. Petermc3 says:

    Mayor Bill asks the burning question, Who put the sand in the vasoline?

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>