The rape epidemic at Star Fleet Academy is scandalous!

Wesley Crusher, previously acting ensign onboard the Starship Enterprise-D and now a cadet at Star Fleet Academy may have been brutally raped during a fraternity initiation.

The story, entitled “A Rape at Star Fleet Academy” tells how cadet Crusher was thrown onto a table filled with broken glass and gang raped by several cadets, only three of whom were  humanoid.  The others resembled fish and used their wet, slimy gills to penetrate Crusher’s orifices while the helpless cadet screamed, “Mommy!  Mommy!  Daddy Picard!”

The story, written by a respected reporter for Intergalactic Rolling Stone who wanted to write about “rape in the cosmos” goes on to give vivid details of the brutalized yet still annoying Crusher running back to his dorm room and contacting friends with his communicator.

“It was clear that something had happened to Wesley” said a friend.

He was shaking all over.  He didn’t want to talk about it much, which frankly was a blessing.  I don’t like talking to him anyway.  He’s too annoying. But something happened.  I believe his rape story. That’s just like the intergalactic patriarchy. They are rape crazy.  I guess I should expect this type of behavior what with all the Klingons and Ferengi now in Star Fleet.

After the story was published cadets marched through campus carrying signs that said, “Silence is violence” and “Today is a good day not to be raped!”

Star Fleet Academy officials also suspended all fraternity activity on campus.

However others are beginning to doubt the claim of rape.

Crusher has not been able to verify certain aspects of his story.  He cannot remember which fraternity it happened at nor the name of the man who invited him.  He also was free of any cuts or bruises which would be expected after being penetrated repeatedly on a table filled with cut glass. The author of the story herself has on previous occasions been accused of fabrication.

Still these doubts are not enough to placate the Academy’s feminist contingent, which is calling for ‘trigger warnings’ whenever a female cadet has to share a class with a Klingon.  They also seek to add sensitivity training to the curriculum.

“If Star Fleet wants to enter the 25th century it must change its culture” said a spokesperson for the feminists.

Never again must a female cadet feel unsafe on campus because a Vulcan is in his Pon Farr.  Never again must a female cadet worry that a Klingon will take her to a holodeck to act out Klingon mating rituals. Never again must a female cadet be asked to take her clothes off by the Ferengi. Only when we feel safe will our demands end.

Star Fleet for its part promises a full and impartial investigation into the accusations.

“Star Fleet has come a long way since the days when Captain Pike wouldn’t allow women on the bridge” said a Star Fleet spokesman.

We pride ourselves on gender diversity.  Star Fleet has many female captains and we honor all of them.  Well, except for the idiot from Voyager who got her crew stranded in the Delta Quadrant.  Women! Really!  Am I right fellas?

Wesley Crusher has denied all requests for an interview.

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