Welcome to my New Years’ Eve of Color

Hoping to attract a younger, hipper demographic MSNBC announced that its New Year’s Eve special this year will be “A Very Special New Year’s Eve of Color With Al Sharpton.”

Announcer:  Live from New York City it’s Al Sharpton’s New Year’s Eve of Color.  And now your host Al Sharpton.

AS:  Thank you announcer.  Where’s the damn teleprompter?  Are we live? 

Director:  We’re live!

AS:  Welcome to my special New Year’s Eve of Color from Harlem where peoples of color can come together to celebrate their holiday away from the white man.  Why Harlem?  Because the man celebrates his New Year’s Eve in Times Square. Why Time’s Square and not Harlem?  Because the man hates black people! I’d like to introduce my cohost for tonight So-so-so-Fire Ver-ver – I can’t read the teleprompter.  What’s your name?

SV:  Sofia Vergara. 

This woman is not black

SV:  I’m Sofia Vergara from ABC’s hit show Modern Family and it’s my pleasure to be here to celebrate a very special New Year’s Eve of Color.  You know being from Columbia I never dreamed that one day I’d be in New York hosting a special like this.

AS:  What the hell. You’re not black!

SV: Um, no.  I’m from South America.

AS:  Get the hell off my show!

[Sharpton pushes her off the set]

AS:  Isn’t that just like the white man. Trying to dilute what it means to be a person of color by bringing on Hispanics.  I bet Rudy Guiliani, that’s right, Rudy Jew-liani is behind this.  Our first guest is international singing sensation Enri-enya-Enri-kay Igloo-Ig.  I can’t read the teleprompter. What the hell is your name?

EI:  I’m Enrique Iglesias.

Also not a black man

AS: What the hell. You’re not black either.  Another white person!

EI: Actually I was born and raised in Spain then moved to Miami when I was a teenager.

AS:  You’re still white.  Get off my set!

[Sharpton pushes him off the set]

AS:  Director I said this was a New Year’s Eve of Color.  Stop sending me Hispanics.  Send me a black man.

[Bill Cosby enters]

Possibly black

BC:   New Year’s Eve makes me feel like I have jello pudding inside me.

AS: Is this a conspiracy by white folk?

[Sharpton pushes Cosby off the set]

AS:  Well I see that it is almost time for the ball to drop.  Because this is a New Year’s Eve of Color the ball will be black. 

Director:  What the hell am I supposed to point the cameras at? I can’t see a black ball at night.

AS:  I apologize for my white director.  He is racist.  Just point the cameras honkey.  Now we did have some lights to illu-allum – I can’t read the teleprompter.  We had some lights to light up the ball but they were stolen.  Probably by teabaggers.  And now the countdown.  10-9-8-7-

[Shots ring out]

AS:  Who’s shooting?  They better be shooting at Hispanics. 

[The ball is hit by gunfire, falls off and starts rolling down 125th street]

Producer:  We’re not paying for that.

AS:  I’m Al Sharpton saying having a very happy New Year’s Eve of Color.  That is if the white man will let you. Where the hell is the teleprompter operator?  He must be white.  I can’t read that damn thing.  Goodnight.

(607)