The white man makes black folk kill each other

It has happened again.  A promising up-and-coming rapper’s career has been cut short by premature gunshot wounds.  In this case it was Dominic Newton, who went by the name “The Jacka” who was gunned down on MacArthur Boulevard in Oakland.

Since I always strive to make the job of the MSM even easier than it already is I now present the Official Rapper Death Template.™

A gifted young rapper, beloved by his fans has died of

• A bullet to the head
• Several bullets to the head
• Several bullets to the head and torso
• Stab wounds (He lived in a Hispanic neighborhood)

His manager

• Is in shock
• Ordered the shooting
• Was shot with him
• Blamed the death on cops

His record label

• Will put out a greatest hits package to memorialize his talent
• Cancelled the advance he was going to get on royalties
• Has already signed another rapper to replace him
• Whoops. The new rapper we just signed has been shot

A gifted young rapper, signed by the record label to replace the previous rapper who was shot dead has been shot

• Is he still alive?
• How many times was he shot?
• Stab wounds?  Man move out of that Hispanic neighborhood
• Cancel the advance

A gifted young rapper, signed by the record label to replace the rapper who was shot to replace the rapper who was shot dead was seen walking down the street. By himself!

• He should make an easy target
• Don’t take any chances.  Two shots to the head!
• Hold on.  I think that’s the guy who shot the other two rappers
• Well if he shot the other two rappers then he has street cred.  We should sign him to a contract. Just make sure there is a clause in it to cancel any advances when he gets shot dead

The funeral for the rapper (no not the one who was signed to replaced the one who was shot dead but the original guy I forget his name but him yeah, the guy who died of multiple gunshot wounds) will be open to the public

• Will there be metal detectors at the funeral home?
• Oh man that’s how the rapper who was signed to replace the one who was shot replacing the one who was shot dead was shot
• I think putting his gun in the casket was a nice touch.  He loved his family, his people and his glock
• Breaking news:  This just in.  There has been a shooting at a funeral home!

And so readers the next time a promising young rapper is shot dead just whip out this handy template.  It’s fun, informative and gluten-free.

Rapper Death Template™ not valid where prohibited by law.

What the – is that gunfire?

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Bruce Jenner surveys the wreckage driving without a penis causes

A female driver, identified as former Olympian and male-to-female transsexual Bruce Jenner, was involved in a horrific fatal car crash on the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu Saturday.

The car that Ms. Jenner was driving hit another vehicle that was stopped at a red light, pushing that vehicle into oncoming traffic and killing the driver.  Ms. Jenner voluntarily took a field sobriety test which was negative.

New female Bruce Jenner gets in touch with what being a woman really means

The clearly shaken Ms. Jenner could not understand why she caused the car crash.

“When I had my penis I was a great driver.  I obeyed all the rules.  I never had an accident.”

Though Ms. Jenner was sober surveillance footage at the accident still does not leave her in the clear.  On the video Ms. Jenner is seen adjusting her makeup as she drives, oblivious to the traffic around her.  As her car hit the vehicle in front of her, dozens of shoes that she had just bought flew about the car, further obstructing her vision.

Authorities also report that despite initially cooperating with law enforcement Ms. Jenner became irrational and began crying.

“Why is this always happening to me” she sobbed.  “You men and your penises are trying to use your patriarchy to keep me down!”

Said a policeman at the scene:

She just started sobbing and babbling on and on.  She wouldn’t shut up.  I mean one moment she was rational and the next she was a complete lunatic, trying to scratch my eyes out.  She even threw one of her shoes at me.  Then Ms. Jenner got real quiet and started apologizing.  “Please forgive me.  You know I love you.”  I didn’t know if she was going to get violent again so I tasered her and placed her in the back of the patrol van.

After Ms. Jenner was questioned at police headquarters she was release into her own recognizance.  She also announced that she will be starring in a new commercial, a copy of which was show to reporters.

Reporter: Bruce Jenner, you’ve just won the gold medal in decathlon at the 1976 Olympics.  What are your plans?

Bruce Jenner: I’m going to have my testicles removed and the skin of my foreskin and penis reverted!

Reporter: Um, wouldn’t you rather just go to Disney World?

Bruce Jenner: No.  You see when the penis in inverted and used as flap this preserves blood and nerve supplies to form a fully sensitive vagina.

Reporter: Please Bruce. No more.  Just go to Disney World

Bruce Jenner: Other scrotal tissue forms the labia majora.

Reporter: Oh for Christ’s sakes Bruce come on!

Bruce Jenner: Lubrication is needed when having sex and occasional douching is advised so that bacteria does not start to grow and give off odors.

Reporter: Please Bruce just go to Disney World!

Bruce Jenner: Because the human body treats the new vagina as a wound some long-term maintenance of volume (vaginal dilation) by the patient, using medical graduated dilators, dildos or suitable substitutes, to keep the vagina open is often necessary.  Regular application of estrogen into the vagina may help.

Reporter: Oh god I’m going to be sick.  F*ck you Disney World!

Ms. Jenner will have to surrender her driver’s license and be ineligible to drive for ninety days.

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I always felt like a female rapper in a male rapper’s body.

Controversial rap superstar and husband of Kim Kardashian ended months of speculation today by announcing that he is in the process of transitioning to life as a woman.

West’s changing appearance has been a source of much tabloid speculation in recent months. A source close to the Kardashian’s told People Magazine that “Kanye is transitioning.”

We are all very happy for him. Kanye was in a very dark place before but now he’s finally accepting and happy. He’s in a great space.

Kanye’s first step towards becoming a fully functioning woman took place last year when he had a procedure known as a “Laryngal Shave” to smooth out his Adam’s apple.

Kanye is now far along in the process and has taken hormones to help grow breasts.

I remember when his breasts first appeared. He was so excited. Like a school boy almost!  And when he started lactating he was over the moon. I remember him telling me, “George Bush don’t care about lactating!”

People Magazine reports that most of the Kardashian’s are on board with the change, the only holdout being Kanye’s wife Kim.

She was a more than a little freaked out to but it mildly. She started running around the house and shouting “My husband is going to cut his penis off!” She was really upset over the possibility that when Kanye becomes a woman he might be prettier than her.

Kim was also worried that their sex life might be affected by Kanye’s decision.

She had to sit down with Kanye and talk about her fears. Kanye told her that he enjoys sex with women, has always enjoyed sex with women and will continue in the future to enjoy sex with women.  Only now he will be doing it as a woman. Kim was only slightly pacified by this.  “If I wanted to be a lesbian I’d join the WNBA or become a woman’s soccer player” she said.

Kanye’s decision to become a woman has also created tension with family patriarch Bruce Jenner, who is himself going through a transition to living as a woman.

Kanye is very competitive.  When Bruce announced he was becoming a woman Kanye was pretty upset that he didn’t think of doing it first.  Things have been very tense between the two since Kanye announced he was also transitioning.  Bruce thinks Kanye is trying to “out-transition” him and might get better ratings on his reality show. Yesterday they showed up at a party wearing the same clothes and, well, you can guess what happened next. They started clawing at each other.  Then Kanye ripped Bruce’s blouse off and laughed at him and said, “My breasts are larger than yours.”  We had to separate them.

Kanye for his part feels that Bruce is just psychologically disturbed while he is doing the transition for noble motives.

“Black transsexuals lack the access white transsexuals do.”

Kanye’s reality TV show, “Becoming a Woman, Bitch!” will debut in April on Lifetime.

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My wife has a penis!

Like many of my readers I am something of a history buff so when the History Channel announced that they would be airing a miniseries entitled “Sons of Liberty” focusing on Sam Adams and Paul Revere I had to watch. Alas I was sadly disappointed.  The miniseries was rife with historical inaccuracies.  Granted, it wasn’t as inaccurate as “William Howard Taft: Pole Dancer” or “Herbert Hoover: Gay and Proud” but the inaccuracies were jarring enough to dampen my enjoyment of the show.

And so for any of my readers who did not see the show I now present a partial listing of the inaccuracies of said miniseries.

• Sam Adams was not married to a transsexual

The miniseries implies that Adams’ wife had a penis. While this is possible the prevailing historical evidence suggests that both of Adams’ wives were biologically female.  A representative for the History Channel says the change was made to “make the story more interesting to modern Americans.”

• Sam Adams did not invent the Jukebox

The miniseries strongly implies that Adams was a drunk who invented the jukebox as a way of increasing profits at his pubs.  In one scene an inebriated Adams is seen waving a ten dollar bill and shouting “F*ck Michael Jackson I just want to put some Beatles on the Jukebox!”

• Sam Adams was not an advocate of gun control

The miniseries lays claim to having Adams start the first gun control club in the colonies.  “We’re playing with fire with these muzzle-loading flintlock muskets!  Why a man can fire one round every 60 seconds!”  The miniseries also has him calling for banning all “assault flintlocks.”

• Sam Adams did not write Stairway to Heaven

Okay, so I’m prepared to cut the History Channel some slack on this one.  No one knows who Led Zeppelin originally stole Stairway to Heaven from.  And recently discovered among Adams’ papers was this poem:

If there’s an Englishman in your Hedgerow, you better be alarmed now

It’s General Gage and his troops

Yes there are two paths you can hide in but in the long run

There’s still time to ride out and warn the colonials

So again, it may be plausible.  However I don’t think he ever forced a groupie to have sex with a shark.

• Paul Revere did not use a Prius during his famous midnight ride

In the miniseries Paul Revere as he was about to ride out to warn that the British regulars were coming grabbed the keys to the Prius he had in his driveway.  “I want to warn people.  But I want to do it in an environmentally sound way” he says.

• George Washington did not represent the patriarchy

The miniseries strongly implies that Washington rebelled against the British because he thought they were going to give women the right to vote. “I don’t women to vote. I want to rape them” he tells one of his generals.

• John and Abigail Adams did not practice Gender Fluidity

In the series John Adams is often seen in private wearing women’s clothing while Abigail wore the clothing of a man.  “Yes!  Oh god yes!  You know I want it Abby” he was quoted as saying as Abigail used her strap on to penetrate his anus.

And these were just a few of the historical inaccuracies.  I suggest watching it on Netflix for the full historically inaccurate treatment.

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Seen here in a file photo,Dagwood Bumstead collapsed and died today

Dagwood Bumstead, office manager at the J.C. & Dithers construction company, died at his home today of an apparent heart attack minutes after finished one of his patented “Bumstead” sandwiches.  First responders at the scene tried desperately to revive him as his shattered wife, Blondie looked on.

“We tried everything” said a paramedic.

But given his unhealthy lifestyle, I mean we found nothing but uneaten sandwiches next to him, it is a wonder that he lasted this long.

According to Bumstead’s wife, he had just returned from the kitchen carrying one of his sandwiches

The sandwich Mr. Bumstead was eating when he died

when he collapsed on the sofa.

“He often takes long naps on the sofa so at first I thought nothing was wrong” she said.

But after 20 minutes he hadn’t touched his sandwich. Usually after that time he’s in the kitchen making a second one.  I knew something was wrong and that’s when I called for an ambulance.  I warned him that his diet was unhealthy.  I tried to get him to eat better. One time I put some kale on his plate.  He said, “What the hell is this crap” and threw it at my head.  That was when I first realized that the man I married had a vicious temper.  It was around that time that I started experimenting with women.

When informed of Bumstead’s death, his boss J.C. Dithers expressed remorse but not surprise.

I tried to get Bumstead to live healthier.  Try eating something healthy I always told him.  Join an exercise program. I mean for God’s sake I was paying for his f*cking health insurance the least the lazy son of a bitch could do was buy a stairmaster.  If he had lived longer perhaps he would have listened to me.  I know he was concerned that Blondie didn’t find him sexually appealing anymore.  His diet led to arteriosclerosis which in turn led to his erectile dysfunction.  That’s when Blondie started asking me for sexual favors.  She was starved for some physical affection. But perhaps I’ve said too much.  I could tell you things.  It was a very unhappy marriage.  It’s a good things he’s dead or they might have killed each other.

Dithers has promised to pay all funeral costs and is also going to buy stairmasters for all his employees.

“I ain’t paying these sons of bitches to die am I?”

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