King Andrew, Lord Mayor Wilhelm Jr. Have “Absolutely No Regrets” Over Shutting Down New York City

As benevolent rulers we keep the best interests of the common people in mind at all times.

As benevolent rulers we keep the best interests of the common people in mind at all times.

Monday as New York City braced itself for a potential blizzard King Andrew Cuomo of New York and Lord Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. made a controversial decision:  Subways, the lifeline of the city, will be shut down. As the world now knows the so-called “Blizzard of 2015” was a bust, leaving only six inches of snow in the city.  I sat down with the duo to discuss their decision and the reasoning behind it.

MI: Good afternoon. Let’s start the question everyone wants to know. Why did you shut down the subways?  In New York City, where many do not own cars, the subways are often the only way to get to work. Businesses lost money as they had to stay shut because employees could not get to work.  And it was known long before the 8 am decision to get the trains running again that the city was not hit hard.  Why were the subways shut and why wasn’t the decision to get them back up not made earlier?

KAC: You may address me as Your Lordship.

LMWWJ: I’m tall.

MI: No I won’t to the former and the latter is irrelevant.  But back to the point. We’ve had blizzards before in 1995, 2000 and 2010 with over 20 inches of snow and the subways were not shut down.  Even if we had been hit hard I ask again why shut the subways down? It’s winter.  It snows. 

KAC: Let me address your question you impudent commoner.

LMWWJ: Is this going to take long?  I feel a nap coming on.

KAC: Back to your assertion that it always so-called “snows” in so-called “winter.” You are incorrect on this point. But that is nothing to be ashamed of.  You are not elite like I am. It is our belief, and the science will back me up on this, that the snow is the direct result of climate change and the end of the world.

MI:  I’m sorry.  Did you say the end of the world?

LMWWJ: My son has an Afro.

KAC: It’s okay Warren.  I’ll take care of this.  Yes.  Snow in winter is not normal.  I have a team of scientists, weather reporters the common man calls them, who inform me that according to their calculations the world was going to end on January 27th.  I shut down the subways and ordered cars off the streets to make it easier for people like the Lord Mayor and myself to escape to our Life Ship.

MI: It’s not the end of the world.  

LMWWJ: I’m taller than you.  That mean’s I’m smarter.  And it is the end of the world just like Andy said.

MI:  What the hell are you two talking about? And what’s a Life Ship?

KAC: Well, the ancient Mayan prophesy was correct.  They were only off by a couple years. Did you see the movie 2012?

MI: The one with John Cusack? Yeah it sucked.

KAC:  After I saw that I dedicated my life to building an Arc just like in the movie so I could survive.  Why do you think New York State is so heavily in debt?

MI: High taxes, productive people fleeing, out of control spending?

KAC: No.  I snuck in a bill to build a 20 billion dollar Arc.  It is now ready for deployment.  I will board it with my wife and other elites and we will use it to survive the coming destruction of Earth.  Once the danger is over we will build a new society based on equality, high taxes and wealth redistribution.

MI: But who goes into the Life Boat?

KAC: Why the elite of society.  The best and brightest.  Scientists, engineers, doctors, Russell Brand.

MI: But what about me?  What about the others?

KAC: Naturally we will need workers to do the necessary hard labor of building a new society.  You will be tied to the land.  In return for ten percent of your produce I will provide protection from rival warlords.

MI: I am so glad I never voted for either of you.

KAC: Oh, well then you won’t be getting into the Arc.  My Vassals will have to put you to death.

MI: Right. One last thing.  Have you been taking your medication?

KAC: Shhh!  You hear that?

MI: What?

KAC: It’s Lord Mayor Wilhelm Jr.  He’s sleeping.  He’s so cute.  I bet he’s dreaming about raising taxes or warning his son about the police.

MI: Thank you for meeting with me.  I’m going to go now.

KAC: You leave now and you forever forfeit a seat on the Arc!

LMWWJ: Raise it!  Raise those taxes.  My son, watch out for cops!

New York.  Led by the insane.  Still, it’s not New Jersey and that’s something.


1 Comment

One Response

  1. If you need any help organizing the Bon Voyage Party for them, let me know. I’ll be glad to help.

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