Is Left Shark Gate the scandal that will finally bring down the NFL?

For once the Superbowl lived up to its hype and the winner wasn’t determined until the final half minute. But for those who watched the half time show with Katy Perry a scandal erupted that threatens to bring down the NFL and America with it.

During songstress Katy Perry’s show she was surrounded by a shark on her left and one her right.  However the shark on her left did not seem to know what was going on.

What could be the possible explanation?  Was it just a case of hiring a dancer at the last minute who did not have time to rehearse? Or is the explanation more sinister?

Having spent the last three days in my bedroom repeatedly viewing Ms. Perry’s half time performance and subsisting only on CheeseIts and using Tupperware to store my bowel movements I believe that I have gotten to the bottom of this scandal:

Miss Perry is sending a distress signal to America! 

Fact: Katy Perry was once married to noted political philosopher Russell Brand (pictured here).

Not Russell Brand

My apologies.  That was Charles Manson. This is Russell Brand.

Might be Charles Manson

Russell Brand is known for his socialist views and is an advocate of forced redistribution of wealth.  Could Miss Perry have ordered her left shark to dance out of sync with the right shark as a subtle way of warning America about the danger of forced wealth redistribution?

Nonsense you say?  Consider that the State is everywhere. Assume they monitor all our electronic communication.  Assume that the socialist welfare state is a historical inevitability. How else could brave Katy warn us?

Fact:  The omnipotent and all powerful nanny state that is modern America keeps tabs on all its citizens. If this is so then there is only one explanation for the mysterious figure in the lower left of the background of this picture.

Is the man in the background the second left shark?

A figure that seems to be keeping a very close eye on Miss Perry.  Could this be a Federal employee, perhaps from the NSA, tasked with keeping tabs on her?  Does he perhaps have orders to shoot to kill if Perry somehow would let slip an improvised lyric warning America of its dire situation? Could he perhaps have a poison-filled umbrella tip ready to kill the left shark?

Fact:  I have never had sex with Katy Perry but have always wanted to.  Perhaps Miss Perry was signaling to me that if I became the hero she knows I can be and saved America from forced wealth redistribution she will allow me to fulfill my sexual fantasies?  The clean ones I mean.  The ones not involving clowns, stair masters or Stockard Channing.

Fact:  Katy Perry has not been seen in public since her half time show.  I can sadly only assume that the State was on to her left shark ruse and has taken her into custody where they are currently torturing her with clowns and stair masters.

If this is so then know Miss Perry that we stand united with you!  Your sacrifice will never be forgotten.

Freedom lovers everywhere salute you Katy Perry!

Katy Perry, lovers of freedom everywhere salute you!

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