Bruce Jenner surveys the wreckage driving without a penis causes

A female driver, identified as former Olympian and male-to-female transsexual Bruce Jenner, was involved in a horrific fatal car crash on the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu Saturday.

The car that Ms. Jenner was driving hit another vehicle that was stopped at a red light, pushing that vehicle into oncoming traffic and killing the driver.  Ms. Jenner voluntarily took a field sobriety test which was negative.

New female Bruce Jenner gets in touch with what being a woman really means

The clearly shaken Ms. Jenner could not understand why she caused the car crash.

“When I had my penis I was a great driver.  I obeyed all the rules.  I never had an accident.”

Though Ms. Jenner was sober surveillance footage at the accident still does not leave her in the clear.  On the video Ms. Jenner is seen adjusting her makeup as she drives, oblivious to the traffic around her.  As her car hit the vehicle in front of her, dozens of shoes that she had just bought flew about the car, further obstructing her vision.

Authorities also report that despite initially cooperating with law enforcement Ms. Jenner became irrational and began crying.

“Why is this always happening to me” she sobbed.  “You men and your penises are trying to use your patriarchy to keep me down!”

Said a policeman at the scene:

She just started sobbing and babbling on and on.  She wouldn’t shut up.  I mean one moment she was rational and the next she was a complete lunatic, trying to scratch my eyes out.  She even threw one of her shoes at me.  Then Ms. Jenner got real quiet and started apologizing.  “Please forgive me.  You know I love you.”  I didn’t know if she was going to get violent again so I tasered her and placed her in the back of the patrol van.

After Ms. Jenner was questioned at police headquarters she was release into her own recognizance.  She also announced that she will be starring in a new commercial, a copy of which was show to reporters.

Reporter: Bruce Jenner, you’ve just won the gold medal in decathlon at the 1976 Olympics.  What are your plans?

Bruce Jenner: I’m going to have my testicles removed and the skin of my foreskin and penis reverted!

Reporter: Um, wouldn’t you rather just go to Disney World?

Bruce Jenner: No.  You see when the penis in inverted and used as flap this preserves blood and nerve supplies to form a fully sensitive vagina.

Reporter: Please Bruce. No more.  Just go to Disney World

Bruce Jenner: Other scrotal tissue forms the labia majora.

Reporter: Oh for Christ’s sakes Bruce come on!

Bruce Jenner: Lubrication is needed when having sex and occasional douching is advised so that bacteria does not start to grow and give off odors.

Reporter: Please Bruce just go to Disney World!

Bruce Jenner: Because the human body treats the new vagina as a wound some long-term maintenance of volume (vaginal dilation) by the patient, using medical graduated dilators, dildos or suitable substitutes, to keep the vagina open is often necessary.  Regular application of estrogen into the vagina may help.

Reporter: Oh god I’m going to be sick.  F*ck you Disney World!

Ms. Jenner will have to surrender her driver’s license and be ineligible to drive for ninety days.

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