Dagwood Bumstead Dead of Heart Attack!

Seen here in a file photo,Dagwood Bumstead collapsed and died today

Seen here in a file photo,Dagwood Bumstead collapsed and died today

Dagwood Bumstead, office manager at the J.C. & Dithers construction company, died at his home today of an apparent heart attack minutes after finished one of his patented “Bumstead” sandwiches.  First responders at the scene tried desperately to revive him as his shattered wife, Blondie looked on.

“We tried everything” said a paramedic.

But given his unhealthy lifestyle, I mean we found nothing but uneaten sandwiches next to him, it is a wonder that he lasted this long.

According to Bumstead’s wife, he had just returned from the kitchen carrying one of his sandwiches

The sandwich Mr. Bumstead was eating when he died

The sandwich Mr. Bumstead was eating when he died

when he collapsed on the sofa.

“He often takes long naps on the sofa so at first I thought nothing was wrong” she said.

But after 20 minutes he hadn’t touched his sandwich. Usually after that time he’s in the kitchen making a second one.  I knew something was wrong and that’s when I called for an ambulance.  I warned him that his diet was unhealthy.  I tried to get him to eat better. One time I put some kale on his plate.  He said, “What the hell is this crap” and threw it at my head.  That was when I first realized that the man I married had a vicious temper.  It was around that time that I started experimenting with women.

When informed of Bumstead’s death, his boss J.C. Dithers expressed remorse but not surprise.

I tried to get Bumstead to live healthier.  Try eating something healthy I always told him.  Join an exercise program. I mean for God’s sake I was paying for his f*cking health insurance the least the lazy son of a bitch could do was buy a stairmaster.  If he had lived longer perhaps he would have listened to me.  I know he was concerned that Blondie didn’t find him sexually appealing anymore.  His diet led to arteriosclerosis which in turn led to his erectile dysfunction.  That’s when Blondie started asking me for sexual favors.  She was starved for some physical affection. But perhaps I’ve said too much.  I could tell you things.  It was a very unhappy marriage.  It’s a good things he’s dead or they might have killed each other.

Dithers has promised to pay all funeral costs and is also going to buy stairmasters for all his employees.

“I ain’t paying these sons of bitches to die am I?”


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