My Exclusive Interview with the Easily Conflated Brian Williams

Whose wine? What wine?  When the hell did I die?

Whose wine? What wine? When the hell did I die?

The Brian Williams scandal keeps growing larger.  Williams, the anchor for NBC nightly news was caught telling a lie about allegedly having a helicopter he was riding in shot down while in Iraq.  He has since apologized, citing the “fog of memory.” Williams has graciously agreed to be a guest on my blog where he will tell his side of the story.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Williams.

BW: Good afternoon Ezra Klein.  I admire your blog.

MI: Um, I’m not Ezra Klein.  I’m Manhattan Infidel.

BW: I am sorry.  I must have conflated you two.

MI: Right.  Anyway, let’s talk about why you are here. Since 2003 you have told on many occasions a story about how a helicopter you were riding in was shot down in Iraq.  It took veterans who were there coming forward to say that you were not in the helicopter for you to finally apologize for lying for over ten years.

BW: Let me say right off the bat that I was in a helicopter in Iraq but it turns out that the one I was on never was shot down.  That was another helicopter.  I must have conflated the two helicopters.  Memory is a funny thing. I must have conflated the two events.

MI: I don’t know. It seems pretty hard to confuse riding in a helicopter that wasn’t shot down with riding in one that was shot down.  I don’t see how you could confuse that.  I know that if I was riding in a helicopter that was not fired upon I wouldn’t say that it was shot down. 


BW: I’m Brian Williams.

MI: Yes, I know.

BW: Where’s the teleprompter? 

MI: There is none.

BW:  Now this gets to the heart of what I was saying.  That’s why we industry professionals use teleprompters.  I don’t suppose you,  a blogger with an opinion sitting at home in his pajamas has a teleprompter.

MI: Watch it mister.

BW: Do you know what I did when I got out of my shot down helicopter.

MI: You weren’t in a helicopter that was shot down.

BW: The Iraqi enemy sent me a note asking what my terms were for accepting their surrender.  I told them, “No terms except unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted.”  After that my crew started calling me “Unconditional Surrender Williams.”

MI: That wasn’t you. That was Ulysses S. Grant at Fort Donelson.

BW: Really?  I’m sorry.  I must have conflated the events.

MI: Conflate what?  That wasn’t you.  That happened during the Civil War in 1862!

BW:Memory is a funny thing. Memory can change the shape of a room; it can change the color of a car. And memories can be distorted. They’re just an interpretation, they’re not a record, and they’re irrelevant if you have the facts.

MI: Okay, Guy Pearce said that in the movie “Memento.”  And you don’t even have the facts to begin with.

BW: If we can’t make memories, we can’t heal.

MI: Guy Pearce again.

BW: Really?  I must have conflated my brave busy life with that movie.

MI: Obviously.

BW: I am very brave in war situations. It’s like when I was addressing the Third Army during the war with the Nazis. I said “Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you’ll chicken-out under fire. Don’t worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The Nazis are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what to do.”

MI: [Sigh].  Again that wasn’t  you.  That was George S. Patton.

BW: I’m sorry.  I must have conflated my life with his.

MI: [Under his breath] I’m about to conflate my fist with your face.

BW: My memory again must be faulty. But who are we to judge.  I remember once I was addressing a group of people and I told them “Judge not, that you may not be judged, For with what judgment you judge, you shall be judged: and with what measure you mete, it shall be measured to you again.”  Wise words to live by.  I’m glad I thought that up.

MI: That was Jesus on the Sermon on the Mount!

BW:  Jesus? It sounds quite merciful.  Are you sure it wasn’t Mohammed?  Oh well.  I guess I must have – 

MI: I am going to punch you if you say conflated one more time.  Any last words you’d like to say before I close this interview?

BW: Yes.  Tune into NBC Nighly News every night at 6:30 pm.  We report.  You decide.

MI: That’s Fox news dammit.  I’m done.  I’m out of here.

Seriously.  I think he’s conflating his ass with a hole in the ground.


7 Responses

  1. He should ask for his money back from the Dan Rather School of Journalism.

  2. Matt Ross says:

    How could he conflate you and Ezra Klein? Doesn’t Ezra Klein wear pants?

  3. innominatus says:

    Misremember the Alamo!

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