14 May 15

My Exclusive Interview with Ted Cruz

Is this the face of a fake Hispanic?

Is this the face of a fake Hispanic?

Being a well-established, well-known, well-paid blogger has its perks.  Or so I’ve been told.  I am none of those.  But I was lucky enough to snag an interview with Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz.

Like many in the media I was confused by the fact that Cruz, who claims to be Hispanic, could also be a Republican.  This set off warning bells about Mr. Cruz’s true ethnic identity. So I set out to prove that Cruz, unlike Elizabeth Warren, is not who he claims to be.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Cruz.

TC: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.  It’s always a pleasure to meet with the media and get my message out.

MI: Which is?

TC:We must stop out of control spending.  We must reign in our government.  I believe in the Constitution –

MI: I’m sorry to interrupt.  But Cruz, what ethnicity is that name?

TC: It’s Cuban.  Anyway as I was saying our government is a limited –

MI: Sorry to interrupt again.  But you claim to be Cuban and Cubans are Hispanic. So you’re claiming to be Hispanic.  You, Ted Cruz are Hispanic?  Can you say a few words in Spanish?  I’m sure my readers would like you to say something in Spanish.

TC: Well, if you don’t mind I’d rather talk about what I’d like to achieve as President.

MI: So what’s your favorite Cuban food?

TC: I don’t eat Cuban food much.  I prefer hamburgers.

MI: So how long are you going to deceive the American public by claiming to be Hispanic?

TC: Look if you must know I was born in this country. I’m of Hispanic heritage but I’m an American.

MI: Who’s your favorite Cuban singer?

TC: I don’t know.   I listen to country music mostly.

MI: Have you ever met Mark Cuban?

TC: No. And he’s not even Cuban. He’s Jewish.

MI: Doesn’t matter. His last name is Cuban.  That makes him an authentic Hispanic. Ever penetrated a woman with a Cuban cigar?

TC: No! What’s this have to do with anything?

MI: I’m just trying to establish your authentic ethnic identity.  It’s important that America knows this.  They have to know whether the man they are voting for is an authentic Hispanic and not a fake one like that guy who used to play for the Jets.

TC: Mark Sanchez?

MI: Yes.  Do you own a nightclub?  Have a band?  Does your wife Lucy want to go down to the club but you tell her no and she’s starts crying saying “Ricky!”

TC: What the hell are you talking about?  My wife’s name isn’t even Lucy.

MI: You are fake!  You’re a fake Hispanic!  Admit it!  I’m a white male from a small rural town in upstate New York.  I think I know an authentic Hispanic when I see one.  This is what an authentic Hispanic looks like: 

The Face of an Authentic Hispanic

TC: You’re insane.

MI:  I bet you’re not even hot headed! I know what a Hispanic is and he’s a hot-headed Babalu-singing bandleader. Faker!  You’re fake!

TC:  I’m out of here.

MI:  Goodbye faker.  

And so readers I have done my duty. I have warned America about this fake Hispanic person. Vote accordingly.

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13 May 15

Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Updated {Updated} {Updated} {Updated} Kennedy Malfeasance Template™

I'm a Kennedy. Google me bitch!

I’m a Kennedy. Google me bitch!

Once again, as they have proved time and time again, America’s royal family, the Kennedys, have been generous enough to provide Manhattan Infidel with fodder to write about.  So rather than keep you waiting let’s get right at it.

Kyra Kennedy, the 19-year-old daughter of environmental scam artist and former heroin addict Robert Kennedy Jr was recently refused entry to a nightclub because she was under age. When security guards would not let her in she allegedly yelled:

  1. My mistake.  I am underage.  Please forgive me.
  2. You won’t let me in?  I understand. You are only doing your job.  Let us shake hands and part as friends
  3. I’m a Kennedy.  Google me bitch!
  4. You better let me in to this nightclub. You don’t want an intoxicated Kennedy driving home at night do you?

Kyra attempted to enter the nightclub with her 26-year-old half sister’s passport. The security guard at the club took the passport and asked her what her birthday was. Ms. Kennedy attempted to google the answer but was unable to discover it.  Why?

  1. Obviously there is a lot of material about the Kennedy’s on the internet.  Cut the girl some slack
  2. She would have found the information if only the working class security guard would leave her alone.  I mean doesn’t he know who I am?
  3. Perhaps the WiFi connection was poor
  4. The first 1000 entries for Kennedy all started “Police seek to question…..”

The security guard then refused to hand the passport back and gave it to the hotel staff.  Ms. Kennedy responded by:

  1. Contemplating her actions and asking herself if perhaps she had done something wrong and was acting like a spoiled brat
  2. Made an immediate mental note to go to confession the first chance she got
  3. In a drunken rage screamed at hotel staff to give her the passport back
  4. Drove off a bridge

After driving off a bridge and landing in water, Ms. Kennedy:

  1. Made sure the other passengers in the car got out first
  2. Drowned the other passengers to ensure they wouldn’t talk
  3. Tattered and wet, went back to the nightclub and offered the security guard her father’s heroin if he would let her in
  4. Used her father’s heroin to forget the pain of being royalty

Witnesses report Ms. Kennedy saying what exactly to hotel staff?

  1. I am mortified by my actions.  Please accept my apology
  2. This has never happened before.  At least not this week
  3. I’m just a 19-year-old entitled, unaccomplished member of America’s royalty. That’s bound to mess up your head
  4. Google me!  I’m a Kennedy. Governor Cuomo will be calling.  And he’s in the Mafia you know!

And there you have it.  The latest from America’s royal family.  (Not to be confused with the Clintons who are America’s other royal family.)

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12 May 15

From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: President Warren Wilhelm Jr. Moves Capitol to Nicaragua

Be obedient to your superiors!

Be obedient to your superiors!

Warren Wilhelm Jr, former mayor of New York City and The 45th President of the United States announced today that he will be moving the Capitol to Nicaragua.

“Washington D.C. is hopelessly white.”

And with the white race comes corruption and greed, envy and racism, intolerance and extremism in the name of the white man’s Christian god.  Nicaragua, where I spent many years of my blissful youth, is a Spanish-speaking socialist workers paradise. I’m sure I don’t have to remind people that Spanish is a language of peace.  By moving the Capitol it is my fondest hope that the United States government will absorb the principles of socialism and peace and throw out the weeds of capitalism and freedom.  A freedom that can only come at the expense of equality.

Since Wilhelm  Jr’s surprise election as President he has worked tirelessly (well, as long as no work had to be done on mornings or evenings or weekends) to fundamentally transform America into his vision of an egalitarian oligarchy where the best and brightest families rule in the name of equality.

My predecessor of immortal memory, His Holiness Barack Obama tried to do what I am doing but was blocked by racist Republicans in congress who refused to do his will.  Obama is a constitutional scholar.  The Republicans aren’t.  He knows that our constitution is flawed and needs a strongman to overcome gridlock.  Nicaragua has a tradition of being led by strong men.  Hence moving the Capitol is the logical thing to do.

President Wilhelm Jr.’s decision is not without opposition. John Boehner, former leader of the outlawed terrorist organization called the Republican party decried the move as being too expensive.

If he wants to move the Capitol to a Spanish-speaking socialist republic why not just have it in New York City?  We of the former Republican party are loyal to America.  We don’t want to make waves.  We support our Democratic president.  We just want the move to socialism to be cheaper.

President Wilhelm Jr. scoffed at Boehner’s criticism and suggested that the former Speaker of the House just wants the Capitol moved to New York because, as the son of a tavern owner, Boehner can use his connections to open a bar.

These so-called Republicans make me sick.  Not only are they racist and deny equality but they would have us all become alcoholics.  White people!  They make me sick.

The President also announced that as part of the move the official language of America will become Spanish.

Naturally I, the Bushs and the Clintons will not have to learn Spanish.  We’ve already done so much for America.  It just wouldn’t be fair.  But the average American will have to learn it.  In time they will love Spanish and appreciate all I have done for my subjects.

He then ordered the arrest and execution of the terrorist Boehner.

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11 May 15

Yankees Beat Baltimore; Piñeda Strikes Out 16 and the Tyranny of Pink

“I have a vision that one day baseball fans will be forced to wait in line to go through metal detectors to see the greatest game ever” ~ Babe Ruth on a meth binge.

What can the Lords of baseball do to make the game less appealing? I know! Metal detectors!

What can the Lords of baseball do to make the game less appealing? I know! Metal detectors!

And so on a hot and humid day in the Bronx the first place Yankees finished their homestand against the Baltimore Race Riots.

Baltimore started Bud “Kind to children and animals but sucks at baseball” Norris (1-4 9.88) while the Yankees started Michael “It rubs the pine tar on its skin or it gets the hose again” Piñeda (5-0 2.72).

Baltimore scored, or in the parlance of the hip crowd, “plated” first when short stop J.J. “I extend this laurel and” Hardy “handshake” hit a 2-2 pitch over the left field wall.  1-0 Baltimore after 1 1/2.

Los Yanquis broke through in the bottom of the fourth, scoring four times.  After a Brian McCann ground out Carlos Beltran hit a 3-2 pitch over the right field fence. Chase Headley then walked and Stephen Drew singled. Didi Gregorius, who being the Yankee shortstop after Derek Jeter must feel like the act that had to follow the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show, singled home Headley and moved Drew to second. Jacoby Ellsbury then hit a full count double scoring Drew and Gregorious. 4-1 Yankees after four.

In the bottom of the fifth Brian McCann homered deep right.  5-1 Yankees after five.

In the bottom of the seventh after walks to McCann, Beltran and Drew, Gregorius doubled home Drew.  6-1 Yankees after seven. They might have gotten more runs but Gregorius was out trying to stretch it into a double.

Baltimore got a run back in the top of the eighth when Adam Jones singled home Jimmy Paredes.

Final score:  Los Yanquis 6 The Race Riots 2.

Piñeda was masterful, striking out 16, including both Ryan Flaherty and Caleb Joseph three times. Twice, in the second and the fifth he struck out the side.  He also did not walk one batter.  Finally it looks like we got the better of the Piñeda-Montero trade as Fat Jesus lingers in the minor league system for Seattle.

Notes on the game:

Today was Mother’s Day and as all professional sports must do now, the Yankees assumed the position to placate women.  Pink sneakers, bats and undershirts were what most players wore.  The pink was to remind us of breast cancer.

Why?

I think we’re all pretty fucking aware of cancer.  I know I am.  But you see women are temperamentally and biologically incapable of happiness.  As such their goal is to make every man around them as fucking miserable as they are.  And how do they do that?  By inserting themselves into everything that makes men happy.

Men like watching sports.  It makes up happy and relaxes us.  And women can’t have that. It’s bad enough women have destroyed the NFL.  Now I can’t watch a fucking football game without being bombarded by PSAs by unctuous actors telling us that domestic violence is “wrong.”

Really?  No shit Sherlock.

I know domestic violence is wrong. So do the overwhelming majority of men.  We don’t have to be told this.  And it’s not like the minority of men who are beating their wives are seeing these PSAs and saying, “Oh, right.  It’s bad. I shouldn’t do this.”

But these commercials reinforce women’s feelings of victimhood and their worldview that the male oppressor pig is out to get them.

It’s the same with the pink wristbands.  Breast cancer is another way the man keeps women down.

Now onto the metal detectors.  The Lords of Baseball have decided, for our safety of course, that metal detectors must be placed at all ballparks.

Why?  Was it the shocking number of terrorist attacks against baseball stadiums the past 15 years?  So now I have to empty my pockets, take off my hat, lift my shirt up and place all my possessions in a box while I walk through the detector.

What else can baseball do to drive the fans away?  Let’s see.  Obscenely high ticket prices? Check.  Obscenely  high concession prices?  Check. Oh wait, let’s make the fans get to the ballpark early just so they can be patted down by 300 pound minimum wage workers with wands.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Thou art a beaten dog beneath the hail, a swollen magpie in the fitful sun” didn’t fire up the crowd.  I guess it’s true.  The masses don’t appreciate poetry.

Recommended reading: The Pisan Cantos by Ezra Pound.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “I have a gun!”

When our next civil war breaks out I shall offer you my services in return for protection.

Cal Hockley, late passenger on the Titanic writes, “I have a child!”

I wish I had thought of that.  It might have gotten me on one of the lifeboats.

Doctor Who of the former planet Gallifrey writes, “I have a sonic screwdriver.”

Is that a drink?  If not sit down and regenerate punk.  You’re annoying me.

Best comb over of the game goes to this unfortunate man:

Dude. Seriously?

Dude. Seriously?

My record this year stands at 1-1.  My next game is Memorial Day against the Kansas City Royals.

Go Yankees!

If I may close on a personal note, my aunt passed peacefully Sunday morning after battling cancer for five months.  No, the doctors in the hospital were not wearing pink. Why not? Perhaps they just hate women.

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8 May 15

From the Manhattan Infidel Archives, December 7th, 1941: Anti-Japanese Naval Base Attacked!

The Japanese acted within their rights by attacking this anti-Japanese base!

The Japanese acted within their rights by attacking this deliberately confrontational navy base!

Breaking news out of Hawaii!

The United States naval base at Pearl Harbor has been attacked by the Empire of Japan. News has just reached the mainland that the United States base is in shambles, its ships sunk and its sailors killed.

Like many in the news media we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™, while deploring the regrettable loss of life, must ask this difficult question:  Are the Japanese at fault?

For years the United States, in what can only be described as an act of “white privilege“, has used this naval base as an open provocation to the peace-loving Japanese empire.

What other possible reason would there be for President Roosevelt to move the Pacific fleet from the relative safety of San Diego to Hawaii except to make it closer the the Japanese?

By doing this President Roosevelt has used our navy and our sailors as “bait” in his senseless desire to dominate the Japanese people.

And now with millions of dollars in ships sunk and thousands of lives ended we must ask President Roosevelt if his policy of deliberately inflaming tensions with a nation of color was worth it?

No doubt the President will use this attack at a pretext for declaring war on this island nation.

We must insist that our representatives in the legislative branch resist their natural desire for blood lust that all white people are prone to.

Instead we ask that an apology be issued to the Japanese nation and its wronged peoples.

What did we expect them to do anyway?

The existence of a war machine only 3,500 miles from the Japanese homeland was an affront and a provocation that could not remain unanswered.  Indeed the Japanese have shown admirable restraint and up to the moment of the attack were in negotiations with Washington.

Rumor has it that the Japanese representatives were deliberately kept waiting by the Secretary of State so he could claim that the attack was unprovoked.

The widows and orphans created today are the result of President Roosevelt’s policy.

No doubt President Roosevelt will claim that he was defending the interests of the United States. He will claim that military might is a form of free speech.

We at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ deny this.

The naval base at Pearl Harbor was not free speech.  It was hate speech.  And the Constitution does not protect hate speech.

President Roosevelt needs to apologize now for the United States to regain the moral authority it once had around the world.

The Manhattan Infidel

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7 May 15

Deflate Gate Tapes Released!

Did you touch my balls?

Did you touch my balls?

After months of intensive, behind-the-scenes investigations, the National Football League released yesterday its findings on the so-called “Deflate Gate” scandal where the New England Patriots were accused of deflating footballs used by Tom Brady during the AFC Championship game in January. Among the shocking findings:

  • New England Patriots personnel participated in violations of the NFL Playing Rules and were involved in a deliberate attempt to circumvent those rules.
  • It is more probable than not that Tom Brady was at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities of [Jim] McNally and [John] Jastremski involving the release of air from Patriots game balls.

But those findings are just the tip of the proverbial deflated iceberg.  Using my contacts in the NFL I was able to obtain transcripts of conversations in the Patriots headquarters.  These tapes speak for themselves.  I shall confine myself to quoting relevant sections from two particular conversations between quarterback Tom Brady and Head Coach Bill Bellichick.

The first recording comes three days after the AFC Championship game and has been dubbed the “Smoking Gun” tape.

Brady: Now on the investigation,  you know, the deflated balls thing, we’re back to the-in the, the problem area because the NFL is not under control, Goodell isn’t afraid of us.

Bellichick: That’s right.

Brady: That the way to handle this now is for us to have [inaudible] Goodell [inaudible[ sleeps with the fishes.

Bellichick: But they’ve traced the money to them (McNally and Jastremski).

Brady: Well they have, they’ve traced to the names, but they haven’t gotten to the guys yet.

Bellichick: I’m just thinking if they (McNally and Jastremski) don’t cooperate, what do they say? They they, they were approached by the – the Texans. Is that the idea?

Brady: Yes. or we could [inaudible] Peyton Manning [inaudible] shame if something were to happen to him.

Bellichick: You will – that will uncover a lot of things. You open that scab there’s a hell of a lot of things and that we just feel that it would be very detrimental to have this thing go any further.

Brady: [Inaudible] Archie and Eli too.  Pick them up and [inaudible] contacts on planet Orion [inaudible] anal probes.

Bellichick: Let’s make love.

Brady: [Inaudible] reacharound [inaudible] rusty trombone.

The second tape is of a meeting between the two on the eve of the Super Bowl. This the much-discussed “cancer” tape.

Brady: I think, I think that, uh, there’s no doubt about the seriousness of the problem we’re, we’ve got. We have a cancer–within, close to the Patriots, that’s growing. It’s growing daily. It’s compounding, it grows geometrically now because it compounds itself. 

Bellichick: I’ll say there’s a cancer on the Patriots.  What is that on your penis?  It’s either a mole or a tattoo of Sarah Jessica Parker.

Brady: When did you see my penis?

Bellichick: When you were showering.  I was watching you shower.  I mean what the hell is it?  It follows you around the room.  [Inaudible] Turkish prison.

Brady: I wish you hadn’t seen that.  Now I [inaudible] assimilate [inaudible] trouble maintaining my human form.

[Sounds of rustling and commotion]

Bellichick: Good lord what the hell are you?

Brady: Puny human!  Feel the wrath of [inaudible] Earth will be ours [inaudible] hookers [inaudible] whoops-see-daisy [inaudible] that’s going to leave a stain [inaudible] Randolph Mantooth.

Bellichick:  [Inaudible].  Help!  

[Sounds of screaming]

The evidence is clear.  The Patriots knowingly and willingly deflated their balls.  And Tom Brady is a great quarterback.

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6 May 15

Manhattan Infidel Endorses Bruce Jenner for President!

It's time we had a woman president!

It’s time we had a woman president!

With the 2016 Presidential campaign in full swing attention has focused on the announced and yet-to-be-announced candidates.  Many have written me to ask who I would support.

After giving it careful thought and investigating where the candidates stand on today’s hot-button issues I have decided that there is only one person for the job:  former Olympian, former Kardassian and former man, Bruce Jenner.

I support Ms. Jenner for the following reasons:

  • It’s time we had a woman president

While Hillary has some attractive qualities about her she has been a woman her entire life.  Ms. Jenner on the other hand has lived most of her life as a man.  This will give her a unique perspective. As a former man she will be fully aware of the evil that is patriarchy.  Also, as a woman who has had her penis sliced down the middle and folded back onto itself to create an artificial vagina, if elected Ms. Jenner will slice the patriarchy and its companion, capitalism, down the middle and fold it back onto itself, creating a soft, warm, wet, inviting socialist workers paradise.

Hillary, having worked her entire life within the capitalist patriarchy only cares about profit.  And keeping Bill away from the interns.  But hey, as long as there is profit she can live with Bill having sex with interns. Though she might feel conflicted.

Ms. Jenner will not have this problem. As a fully functioning male-to-female post-op transsexual her top priority will be helping the middle class.  And throwing out her erectile dysfunction medication which she won’t need anymore.

  • That movie she made with the Village People

Can’t Stop the Music was the Citizen Kane of its generation.  Telling the tale of the rise of the Village People to the international phenomenon that they became, Ms. Jenner played the role of Ron White, a lawyer from St. Louis who is instrumental in their success.  (Perhaps when making this movie Ms. Jenner first realized that he wanted to cut his penis off?)  Don’t believe me?  Just look at this clip.  If those shorts don’t say “Chop it off now” what does?

For God’s sake will someone please help me chop my penis off?

  • Catfights Catfights Catfights!

Let’s face it.  What’s more enjoyable than seeing two women bring out their retractable claws as they slash each other.  And with Hillary facing Ms. Jenner in a no-holds barred fight for the nomination we can all be assured of an entertaining election season.  Come on.  You know you want to see them fight.  It might be as entertaining as this:

Cat fight!

  • A fight between Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz won’t be as entertaining

Besides if those two fought there is always the danger of someone hurting their testicles.  And no one wants that.  Again, not a danger with Hillary and Ms. Jenner.

And so readers, for these and other important reasons I hereby throw my support solidly behind Ms. Jenner.

The future of America depends on it.

Manhattan Infidel

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5 May 15

Angelina Jolie Has Every Internal Organ Removed

Internal organs and patriarchy! Two things I can do without

Internal organs and patriarchy! Two things I can do without

Two years after her controversial decision to have both of her breasts removed because she has a gene that makes her predisposed to contracting the disease, Jolie has had her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed for the same reason.

“Further tests showed that I was predisposed to getting other cancers” she said in a written statement.

At first I didn’t know what the Fallopian Tubes were.  I thought it might have been an ’80s new wave band.  But then I found out they were internal organs females have. So I told my doctor, “Cut them all out.  Just cut them all out.” Because of this I have been forced into early menopause and will no longer be able to bear children.  Brad supports me 100 percent.  I think.  I’ve been getting hot flashes and mood swings so he’s been kind of avoiding me, the male supremacist son of a bitch.  Isn’t that just like the patriarchy?  Sticking us with internal organs that will give us cancer!  No man has ever gotten cancer of the fallopian tubes. Why is that?

After having her tubes and ovaries removed Ms. Jolie discovered that she might also be prone to kidney, liver, pancreatic and stomach cancer and had those organs removed as well.

Because these organs are no longer present she must stay hooked up 24 hours a day to machines that will filter out her waste.

“It’s not a fun existence” she told reporters.

But I believe that all woman must have these organs removed at once if they want to live.  The patriarchy is everywhere and has many weapons to use.  Let’s not let them use our internal organs against us. I urge all woman to remove these organs now.  Brad supports me 100 percent on this.  Though I don’t know why I would need his approval.  He is a man and as such probably approves of female cancer.

After having her kidney, liver, pancreas and stomach removed Ms. Jolie further discovered that she is at risk of having a heart attack.  She immediately had her heart removed and replaced by Ringo Starr.

“Ringo keeps a steady beat. I know he will keep blood pumping throughout my body” she said.

It’s a shame I had to have my heart removed.  But I guess that’s just the heartless game the patriarchy plays with us weak and helpless women. Brad supports me 100 percent on this.  I think. The last time I spoke to him on the phone he said he was going over to Jennifer Aniston’s house for “full internal organ sex.”

After having her heart removed Jolie discovered that she was still at risk for torso cancer.  She then decided to have her head removed and placed onto a robot.

I wish I didn’t have to do this.  But I want to be safe and live a long life for my children.  And with advances in medical technology having my head cut off and placed on a robot was easy.  Brad supports me 100 percent on this.  I think. Though the last text he sent me was of him and Jennifer Aniston role playing.  She looks good in a nurse’s outfit. I texted Brad back to have her internal organs removed and he replied, “I’m pulling out now honey.”  I guess that means he’s helping her remove her organs.

Angelina has been named People Magazine’s “Sexiest human/robot hybrid” of 2015.

“I hope to resume acting soon” she said.  “If the patriarchy will let me.”

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4 May 15

An Open Letter From Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan to the Citizens of Baltimore

May you enjoy crime and blight as much as the citizens of Detroit!

May you enjoy crime and blight as much as the citizens of Detroit!

To the citizens of Baltimore:

Greetings and salutations.

Like many citizens of Detroit I have watched the rioting in Baltimore with one thought on my mind:  “Well thank God Detroit is no longer alone.”

I am filled with joy at knowing that at last Detroit has a sister city.  I want to assure all the citizens of Baltimore that you have my support.

As a citizen of Baltimore you may be asking “What’s next for our city?”

Well look no further than Detroit to glimpse your future.

  • You say your city is overcrowded? Not to worry.  With the rioting many of your residents will flee to the suburbs.  Look at Detroit.  We once had almost two million residents.  Now we are down to 750,000.  And when people leave, wide open spaces take their place.  That’s right.  Detroit boasts of many new urban parks.  Well, we like to call them urban parks but they are really ruins left behind by fleeing people.  But the point remains the same. Plenty of empty space to play in.  
  • Wildlife!  Detroit boasts the largest collection of rabid, wandering dogs seen outside Chernobyl.  And who doesn’t love dogs.  Just don’t get too close. Many of them are hungry and will tear your flesh off for their next meal.  But the point remains the same.  Animal adoption!
  • Low taxes!  You say the taxes in Baltimore are too high?  Detroit prides itself on having low taxes.  Well, technically that’s not true.  Yes, we may high taxes. But here’s the important thing:  They are never collected. The point remains the same!  Freedom from a high tax burden.  You can keep your hard-earned income and use it to better your life.  Or buy a gun or a pitchfork.  They might come in handy when the packs of rabid dogs try to rip your flesh off.
  • Affordable real estate!  You say housing prices in Baltimore are too high? Watch how the rioting, looting and burning fix that.  In Detroit many single family, detached residences are available for under 50 dollars.  That’s right. A house for under 50 dollars!  Why for a couple hundred you can even buy the old Michigan Central Train Station.
    This is your future, Baltimore

    This is your future, Baltimore.

    Use it as a castle.  Gather the weaker around you as vassals.  Build your empire! Only in America, baby!  But you say that prices in Baltimore are still too high? The point remains the same. Wait a couple years.  Just make sure you move into your abandoned rail station before a rival gang.

  • Low crime!  Detroit boasts the lowest crime rate in America. Well, technically that’s not true.  But since we can’t afford to pay for policeman no one gets arrested. And if no one is arrested there is no crime.  
  • The glory of one-party rule!  Detroit hasn’t had a Republican mayor since Eisenhower was President.  And we are better for it.  Kinder. More compassionate. More socialist. Well, technically feudalistic since the strong gather the weak around them.  But the point remains!  We are building a better future through progressive Democratic policies. 

And so, dear citizens of Baltimore.  Do not fret!  I have given you a glimpse of your future.  And it is grand!  Just remember to have a gun or pitchfork handy.  I did have more to tell you but a pack of rabid dogs is trying to get into my house. Fortunately I killed the neighbors and chopped them up.  I have strewn their flesh on the yard.  If I’m lucky the dogs will eat them and go away.

Yours sincerely,

Mike Duggan

Mayor, City of Detroit 

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1 May 15

Rich Man with Large Penis Finishes Rehab!

Being a rich man with a large penis can weigh one down

Being a rich man with a large penis can break many men

John Hamm, a rich man with a large penis and the star of the widely popular show “Mad Men” has completed a stint in rehab for alcohol abuse.

“It’s true” said Hamm’s agent.

My client struggled with his fame.  I remember him telling me, “I have shitloads of money, more women than I can shake a stick at and my penis is larger than Ron Jeremy’s.  But what does it get me?  Besides the money and sex I mean? There’s a void in my life.  A void I use alcohol to forget.  Well, alcohol and sex with incredibly beautiful women I’ve never seen before.”  I ask you is it any wonder he became addicted to alcohol.  How can anyone live an existence as meaningless as one with tons of money and sex.  It must be a living hell.

Sources on the set of Mad Men say that they knew something was wrong with the star of the show before he entered rehab.

“I once had a conversation with him” said a co-star.

We were talking about how the success of the show had changed our lives and he said, “before this show I was just a poor man with a large penis who had to send selfies to get women.  Now I’m a very, very rich man with a large penis and the women throw themselves at me.  Every night it’s the same thing.  Threesomes.  Just me, shitloads of money, women, and my large penis.”  Yep.  Those were his exact words.  The guy’s kind of a jerk if you ask me.

Before entering rehab Hamm had updated his Facebook status to “I have nothing to live for except my shitloads of money, large penis and abundant sex.  Alcohol is my only friend.”

Psychologists say that this is not unusual.

“It’s called ‘Oversexed man with large penis and shitloads of money’ syndrome” said one.

Many Hollywood stars have trouble adapting to shitloads of money and sex with beautiful women every night.  Many turn to alcohol to fill the void in their lives caused by having too much money and too much sex.  They secretly wish to have not so much.  Many turn to environmentalism.  And alcohol.  And sex.  Lots of it.  I usually advise my clients to enter rehab and get in touch with their inner poor nerd with average size penis who doesn’t get that much sex.  You’d be surprised how this helps them get rid of the guilt of having too much money, large penises and disposable women.

No matter the root cause of Hamm’s addiction he promises to make it up to his fans.

“All I ask is privacy at this difficult time.  Unless you’re are a hot young women. Then by all means invite a few of your hot young female friends over to have sex with me.”

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