May you enjoy crime and blight as much as the citizens of Detroit!

To the citizens of Baltimore:

Greetings and salutations.

Like many citizens of Detroit I have watched the rioting in Baltimore with one thought on my mind:  “Well thank God Detroit is no longer alone.”

I am filled with joy at knowing that at last Detroit has a sister city.  I want to assure all the citizens of Baltimore that you have my support.

As a citizen of Baltimore you may be asking “What’s next for our city?”

Well look no further than Detroit to glimpse your future.

• You say your city is overcrowded? Not to worry.  With the rioting many of your residents will flee to the suburbs.  Look at Detroit.  We once had almost two million residents.  Now we are down to 750,000.  And when people leave, wide open spaces take their place.  That’s right.  Detroit boasts of many new urban parks.  Well, we like to call them urban parks but they are really ruins left behind by fleeing people.  But the point remains the same. Plenty of empty space to play in.  
• Wildlife!  Detroit boasts the largest collection of rabid, wandering dogs seen outside Chernobyl.  And who doesn’t love dogs.  Just don’t get too close. Many of them are hungry and will tear your flesh off for their next meal.  But the point remains the same.  Animal adoption!
• Low taxes!  You say the taxes in Baltimore are too high?  Detroit prides itself on having low taxes.  Well, technically that’s not true.  Yes, we may high taxes. But here’s the important thing:  They are never collected. The point remains the same!  Freedom from a high tax burden.  You can keep your hard-earned income and use it to better your life.  Or buy a gun or a pitchfork.  They might come in handy when the packs of rabid dogs try to rip your flesh off.
• Affordable real estate!  You say housing prices in Baltimore are too high? Watch how the rioting, looting and burning fix that.  In Detroit many single family, detached residences are available for under 50 dollars.  That’s right. A house for under 50 dollars!  Why for a couple hundred you can even buy the old Michigan Central Train Station.
  

  This is your future, Baltimore.

  Use it as a castle.  Gather the weaker around you as vassals.  Build your empire! Only in America, baby!  But you say that prices in Baltimore are still too high? The point remains the same. Wait a couple years.  Just make sure you move into your abandoned rail station before a rival gang.

• Low crime!  Detroit boasts the lowest crime rate in America. Well, technically that’s not true.  But since we can’t afford to pay for policeman no one gets arrested. And if no one is arrested there is no crime.  
• The glory of one-party rule!  Detroit hasn’t had a Republican mayor since Eisenhower was President.  And we are better for it.  Kinder. More compassionate. More socialist. Well, technically feudalistic since the strong gather the weak around them.  But the point remains!  We are building a better future through progressive Democratic policies. 

And so, dear citizens of Baltimore.  Do not fret!  I have given you a glimpse of your future.  And it is grand!  Just remember to have a gun or pitchfork handy.  I did have more to tell you but a pack of rabid dogs is trying to get into my house. Fortunately I killed the neighbors and chopped them up.  I have strewn their flesh on the yard.  If I’m lucky the dogs will eat them and go away.

Yours sincerely,

Mike Duggan

Mayor, City of Detroit 

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