Be obedient to your superiors!

Warren Wilhelm Jr, former mayor of New York City and The 45th President of the United States announced today that he will be moving the Capitol to Nicaragua.

“Washington D.C. is hopelessly white.”

And with the white race comes corruption and greed, envy and racism, intolerance and extremism in the name of the white man’s Christian god.  Nicaragua, where I spent many years of my blissful youth, is a Spanish-speaking socialist workers paradise. I’m sure I don’t have to remind people that Spanish is a language of peace.  By moving the Capitol it is my fondest hope that the United States government will absorb the principles of socialism and peace and throw out the weeds of capitalism and freedom.  A freedom that can only come at the expense of equality.

Since Wilhelm  Jr’s surprise election as President he has worked tirelessly (well, as long as no work had to be done on mornings or evenings or weekends) to fundamentally transform America into his vision of an egalitarian oligarchy where the best and brightest families rule in the name of equality.

My predecessor of immortal memory, His Holiness Barack Obama tried to do what I am doing but was blocked by racist Republicans in congress who refused to do his will.  Obama is a constitutional scholar.  The Republicans aren’t.  He knows that our constitution is flawed and needs a strongman to overcome gridlock.  Nicaragua has a tradition of being led by strong men.  Hence moving the Capitol is the logical thing to do.

President Wilhelm Jr.’s decision is not without opposition. John Boehner, former leader of the outlawed terrorist organization called the Republican party decried the move as being too expensive.

If he wants to move the Capitol to a Spanish-speaking socialist republic why not just have it in New York City?  We of the former Republican party are loyal to America.  We don’t want to make waves.  We support our Democratic president.  We just want the move to socialism to be cheaper.

President Wilhelm Jr. scoffed at Boehner’s criticism and suggested that the former Speaker of the House just wants the Capitol moved to New York because, as the son of a tavern owner, Boehner can use his connections to open a bar.

These so-called Republicans make me sick.  Not only are they racist and deny equality but they would have us all become alcoholics.  White people!  They make me sick.

The President also announced that as part of the move the official language of America will become Spanish.

Naturally I, the Bushs and the Clintons will not have to learn Spanish.  We’ve already done so much for America.  It just wouldn’t be fair.  But the average American will have to learn it.  In time they will love Spanish and appreciate all I have done for my subjects.

He then ordered the arrest and execution of the terrorist Boehner.

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