My Exclusive Interview with Ted Cruz

Is this the face of a fake Hispanic?

Is this the face of a fake Hispanic?

Being a well-established, well-known, well-paid blogger has its perks.  Or so I’ve been told.  I am none of those.  But I was lucky enough to snag an interview with Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz.

Like many in the media I was confused by the fact that Cruz, who claims to be Hispanic, could also be a Republican.  This set off warning bells about Mr. Cruz’s true ethnic identity. So I set out to prove that Cruz, unlike Elizabeth Warren, is not who he claims to be.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Cruz.

TC: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.  It’s always a pleasure to meet with the media and get my message out.

MI: Which is?

TC:We must stop out of control spending.  We must reign in our government.  I believe in the Constitution –

MI: I’m sorry to interrupt.  But Cruz, what ethnicity is that name?

TC: It’s Cuban.  Anyway as I was saying our government is a limited –

MI: Sorry to interrupt again.  But you claim to be Cuban and Cubans are Hispanic. So you’re claiming to be Hispanic.  You, Ted Cruz are Hispanic?  Can you say a few words in Spanish?  I’m sure my readers would like you to say something in Spanish.

TC: Well, if you don’t mind I’d rather talk about what I’d like to achieve as President.

MI: So what’s your favorite Cuban food?

TC: I don’t eat Cuban food much.  I prefer hamburgers.

MI: So how long are you going to deceive the American public by claiming to be Hispanic?

TC: Look if you must know I was born in this country. I’m of Hispanic heritage but I’m an American.

MI: Who’s your favorite Cuban singer?

TC: I don’t know.   I listen to country music mostly.

MI: Have you ever met Mark Cuban?

TC: No. And he’s not even Cuban. He’s Jewish.

MI: Doesn’t matter. His last name is Cuban.  That makes him an authentic Hispanic. Ever penetrated a woman with a Cuban cigar?

TC: No! What’s this have to do with anything?

MI: I’m just trying to establish your authentic ethnic identity.  It’s important that America knows this.  They have to know whether the man they are voting for is an authentic Hispanic and not a fake one like that guy who used to play for the Jets.

TC: Mark Sanchez?

MI: Yes.  Do you own a nightclub?  Have a band?  Does your wife Lucy want to go down to the club but you tell her no and she’s starts crying saying “Ricky!”

TC: What the hell are you talking about?  My wife’s name isn’t even Lucy.

MI: You are fake!  You’re a fake Hispanic!  Admit it!  I’m a white male from a small rural town in upstate New York.  I think I know an authentic Hispanic when I see one.  This is what an authentic Hispanic looks like: 

The Face of an Authentic Hispanic

TC: You’re insane.

MI:  I bet you’re not even hot headed! I know what a Hispanic is and he’s a hot-headed Babalu-singing bandleader. Faker!  You’re fake!

TC:  I’m out of here.

MI:  Goodbye faker.  

And so readers I have done my duty. I have warned America about this fake Hispanic person. Vote accordingly.



5 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    MI, wha hapeen for ju mang? Eef he waaz not a heespaneec heez name woood be Cruise like de Norwegian or Princess chips mang. Ju are a fuuucking loco raceest bro. What part of upstate New York? I myself was baptized in Utica at St Anthony’s of Padua church.

  2. Bob Agard says:

    Please send a copy of this interview to MSNBC. You will be hired immediately. You won’t even have to hide the fact that you come from Poughkeepsie.

  3. Petermc3 says:

    Use Poughkeepsie three times in a sentence and it is yours forever.

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