Did you touch my balls?

After months of intensive, behind-the-scenes investigations, the National Football League released yesterday its findings on the so-called “Deflate Gate” scandal where the New England Patriots were accused of deflating footballs used by Tom Brady during the AFC Championship game in January. Among the shocking findings:

• New England Patriots personnel participated in violations of the NFL Playing Rules and were involved in a deliberate attempt to circumvent those rules.
• It is more probable than not that Tom Brady was at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities of [Jim] McNally and [John] Jastremski involving the release of air from Patriots game balls.

But those findings are just the tip of the proverbial deflated iceberg.  Using my contacts in the NFL I was able to obtain transcripts of conversations in the Patriots headquarters.  These tapes speak for themselves.  I shall confine myself to quoting relevant sections from two particular conversations between quarterback Tom Brady and Head Coach Bill Bellichick.

The first recording comes three days after the AFC Championship game and has been dubbed the “Smoking Gun” tape.

Brady: Now on the investigation,  you know, the deflated balls thing, we’re back to the-in the, the problem area because the NFL is not under control, Goodell isn’t afraid of us.

Bellichick: That’s right.

Brady: That the way to handle this now is for us to have [inaudible] Goodell [inaudible[ sleeps with the fishes.

Bellichick: But they’ve traced the money to them (McNally and Jastremski).

Brady: Well they have, they’ve traced to the names, but they haven’t gotten to the guys yet.

Bellichick: I’m just thinking if they (McNally and Jastremski) don’t cooperate, what do they say? They they, they were approached by the – the Texans. Is that the idea?

Brady: Yes. or we could [inaudible] Peyton Manning [inaudible] shame if something were to happen to him.

Bellichick: You will – that will uncover a lot of things. You open that scab there’s a hell of a lot of things and that we just feel that it would be very detrimental to have this thing go any further.

Brady: [Inaudible] Archie and Eli too.  Pick them up and [inaudible] contacts on planet Orion [inaudible] anal probes.

Bellichick: Let’s make love.

Brady: [Inaudible] reacharound [inaudible] rusty trombone.

The second tape is of a meeting between the two on the eve of the Super Bowl. This the much-discussed “cancer” tape.

Brady: I think, I think that, uh, there’s no doubt about the seriousness of the problem we’re, we’ve got. We have a cancer–within, close to the Patriots, that’s growing. It’s growing daily. It’s compounding, it grows geometrically now because it compounds itself. 

Bellichick: I’ll say there’s a cancer on the Patriots.  What is that on your penis?  It’s either a mole or a tattoo of Sarah Jessica Parker.

Brady: When did you see my penis?

Bellichick: When you were showering.  I was watching you shower.  I mean what the hell is it?  It follows you around the room.  [Inaudible] Turkish prison.

Brady: I wish you hadn’t seen that.  Now I [inaudible] assimilate [inaudible] trouble maintaining my human form.

[Sounds of rustling and commotion]

Bellichick: Good lord what the hell are you?

Brady: Puny human!  Feel the wrath of [inaudible] Earth will be ours [inaudible] hookers [inaudible] whoops-see-daisy [inaudible] that’s going to leave a stain [inaudible] Randolph Mantooth.

Bellichick:  [Inaudible].  Help!  

[Sounds of screaming]

The evidence is clear.  The Patriots knowingly and willingly deflated their balls.  And Tom Brady is a great quarterback.

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