The tortoise and his suspicious PED muscles cross the finish line first

The Tortoise, fresh off his remarkable win against the hare, did not even have time to bask in his victory before the allegations of PED use began to swirl around him.

“After careful analysis of his drug tests we have no choice but to invalidate his victory” declared the President of the American Association of Professional Animal Runners (AAPAR).

Like many in our organization I took the tortoise at his word that his victory was the result of hard work and intensive training. I celebrated it as an example for the children of America.  But chemistry does not lie.  The blood test showed the following banned substances in the tortoise:

1. Androstanediol
2. Androstanedione
3. Androstenediol
4. Androstenedione
5. Bolasterone
6. Boldenone
7. Boldione
8. Calusterone
9. Clenbuterol 5
10. Clostebol
11. Danazol
12. Dehydrochloromethyltestosterone
13. Desoxy-methyltestosterone
14. 1-dihydrotestosterone
15. 4-dihydrotestosterone
16. Drostanolone
17. Ethylestrenol
18. Fluoxymesterone
19. Formebolone
20. Furazabol
21. 13a-ethyl-17a-hydroxygon-4-en-3-one
22. Gestrinone
23. 4-hydroxytestosterone
24. 4-hydroxy-19-nortestosterone
25. Mestanolone

This is an extensive list that shows that the tortoise had planned months in advance to beat the hare in an illegal fashion.  There is no way he could not have known what he was ingesting.  Because of this we are invalidating the race results and awarding the victory to the hare.  We are also banning the tortoise from professional competition for one year.

The tortoise denies he used illegal performance enhancing drugs and blames the positive tests on a mistake by the handler.

I am clean!  My entire professional career has been clean. I can’t account for these results.  Sure I’ve lost my hair, my head is larger, I’m impotent and I’ve stopped producing testosterone.  But these are just medical conditions I’ve had my entire life. Who knows what happened to my sample after it left my hands.  The guy who picked it up and delivered it to the lab I’m told is an illegal alien.  Who knows. Maybe he tainted the sample running from the Feds.  Or perhaps he mislabeled the samples. He’s just a contractor and as such has no motivation for performing his job conscientiously. All I can say is that I will do everything to clear my name.  My good name is all I have. That and lots of money.  And I will be using my money to hire a good lawyer to sue the guy from the lab.

The tortoise also plans to sue the AAPAR for mental anguish and loss of future income.

After I won, legitimately won, the race I had offers from Hollywood.  Shit I was getting more pussy than a rock star or a Clinton.  Now all that is dried up.  I have no income coming in.  If I don’t get reinstated I’ll have to continue my career racing elsewhere.  I don’t know.  The Dominican Republic or Italy maybe.  

Despite the protestations of the tortoise the AAPAR has no plans to reinstate him.

“We have to take a stand sometime” said the President.

For too long we took a blind eye to what was going on because it brought the fans to our races. But now we’ve reached a critical turning point.  If something isn’t done to restore the integrity of the game the fans will leave and never come back.

From his home in New England the hare was asked about the recent events.

Look all I know is I ran a clean race with no PEDs.  I even took a nap in the middle of it because I was so sure of victory.  You just can’t trust a tortoise.  Ban them all I say!

Once he serves his suspension the tortoise will be eligible to race again providing he assents to supervised random drug tests.

“Having someone watch me piss in a f*cking cup.  Is this what America’s come to?” he told a reporter.

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An artist’s representation of what the Tower would look like upon completion

The Tower of Babel, which when completed was to reach up into the sky, lies uncompleted, its workers idle, a victim of the broken system in Washington D.C.

“The Tower of Babel would have been the crowning achievement of humanity” declared House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi.

It would have represented the strength and compassion of America and its leader, Barack Hussein Obama. It would have been the tallest building in the existence and would have proved to the world that American power knows no limits. But it is in danger of never being completed.  Why? Republicans will not invest billions in our infrastructure.  There can be no other reason.

From the Senate, her counterpart Harry “One Eye” Reid seconded her statement.

The tower will never be built. Why? Is it because the majority of the workers on the tower were black and Republicans wanted them to lose their jobs?  Did Mitt Romney, between leaving his dog on the top of his car and not paying his taxes for years, tell his business friends that it must not be built?  Everywhere people are dying because of our crumbling infrastructure.  We must spend, spend, spend!  I ask my Republican colleagues to put aside their racism and work together with us for the building up of the state. Oh, my eye?  Um, I fell off an exercise machine. It wasn’t an gay lover angry that I hadn’t paid him for sex. Definitely not.

At the site of the unfinished tower, Al Sharpton, spokesman for the black race in America demanded that the building be built.

Resist we much.  White racism. The tower will provide work for many African Americans.  As to when they will resume building the tower all depends on how much in kickbacks I get. Wait. Did I just say that? Isn’t that just like the white man! Always twisting my words.

From his throne in Heaven God denied that Republican budget cuts were the reason the tower lies in its current state.

Look I did it.  I scattered and confused the workers. I take full responsibility. This tower was an affront.  It represented the hubris of the fallen human race.  I could not allow it to continue.

God’s controversial statement accepting responsibility was met with derision on Capitol Hill.

“There are two things I hold sacred” said Pelosi.

Abortion. And God. And I know that my God, the God I worship would not do this. He is just like me. Compassionate and socialist. His Twitter feed must have been hacked by Republicans.

The last word must remain One-Eye Reid’s, who headed over to the construction site to look over the unemployed men.

I want to see if any need anything.  Food, water, the soft gentle touch of an older man.  Wait.  Did I just say that? Um. I mean I just want to pick a few up and bring them back to my place.  Oh for f*cks sake I mean I want to take it all.  Ah crap I’m shutting up now.

As of now the only tenants in the unfinished tower are a Starbucks and an Apple store.

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This patch is a symbol of patriarchy and oppression!

In a truly ground-breaking moment for diversity and inclusion, the Fire Department of New York has revised its physical standards so more women will be able to pass the test and break the grip of patriarchy currently affecting the institution.

“For too long we have let old-fashioned notions of physical strength dominate our recruitment tests” said FDNY commissioner Daniel A. Nigro.

And I don’t have to tell you that these so-called standards were jury-rigged to favor men.  Strong men.  As such many women, midgets, hobbits, cats or others who are deformed could not become firepeople.  Now this has changed and I am proud that it has.  I mean sure a fireman has to breathe through a mask connected to an air tank while carrying up to 50 pounds of gear, then climbing six flights of stairs, stretching hose lines, raising ladders, and performing tasks that simulate breaking down doors and pulling down ceilings, plus dragging dummies through tunnels with no visibility.  But what does such a patriarchal feat of strength have to do with being a fireperson?  Absolutely nothing!

Under the old standards cadets had to do this test in 17 minutes.  Under the new standards there will be no time limit.

When citizens are trapped inside burning buildings time is not of the essence. What is of the essence is the self-esteem of our brave firepeople of gender and color.

In addition to having to climb six flights of stairs (though without a time limit) recruits will also have to discuss their feelings.

In a section of the new test entitled “Trigger Warnings” recruits are asked to be aware of their environment.

Did a white male supervisor make you feel uncomfortable? Did he use phrases such as ‘Not bad for a women’ or ‘You’re just not strong enough to carry equipment up five flights of stairs.’  If so tell him that your well-space rights have been violated. You don’t have to stand for oppression at the hands of the patriarchy!

Recruits are encouraged to take their concerns to the FDNY’s new “Department of Feelings.”

“Many of our new female recruits are reporting feelings of inadequacy” states the Department’s head, a female psychologist and author of the book “My Vagina Has a First Name!”

It is time for our female recruits to realize that all we have in a male-dominated world are our feelings.  And its time we felt good about ourselves. Let me give you an example.  The other day I saw a supermodel and I approached her and said her body does not validate me. She was young and desirable but why should I suffer from her body oppression?  Her body set off a trigger warning within me.  I was filled with rage.

Female recruits will also be made to realize that saving lives and property is not why they became firepeople.

Is a building on fire?  Do you hear screams?  How does this make you feel? Remember it’s not your fault! The person on fire inside the building is not your concern.  Instead of going into the building sit down and take a mental inventory of your feelings. If you do not feel safe, inform your supervisor and he will have another fireperson take your place.

It has also been announced that due to the influx of female recruits who are not able to pass the physical, standards for white male recruits will be tightened.

“Someone has to do the dirty work of fighting fires” said Nigron.

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This person of color has been found guilty by the white man’s justice system!

The jury in the Boston Marathon bombing trial sentenced Dzhokhar Tsarnaev to 72 virgins on Friday for his role in the attack that killed four and maimed 17.

Immediately after the verdict was read a crowd of peoples of color outside the courtroom broke into chants of “Hands up, don’t bomb us!” and “Chechnyan lives matter!” reflecting the belief in many circles that Tsarnaev is just too incredibly sexy to be a murderer and that he is being framed by the white man.

“We all know a teabagger did it” declared Al Sharpton, leader of the race of color in the United States.

Why?  Who knows.  But we all know teabaggers hate the government.  That makes them conservatives. And being a conservative makes them racist. Lots of peoples of color were running in the marathon so it was the perfect opportunity to kill off many of us.

The New York Times asked if Tsarnaev had been white whether he would have paid the ultimate penalty.

Let us imagine for a moment that instead of being a member of the religion of peace he was a blond-haired blue-eyed Christian named Jones. Would the jury have sentenced him to death? Or would this blond-haired blue-eyed Christian walk free to kill and maim again, just like his coreligionists do every day?  This is truly a dark day for America. Did the Civil Rights movement accomplish nothing?

MSNBC called for a boycott of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

“Let us shame Massachusetts into the 21st century” said anchor Lawrence O’Donnell.

Kate Brown, the bisexual governor of Oregon issued an executive order banning state employees from traveling to Massachusetts.

The fact that in America we can openly kill peoples of color has made me so upset I’ve decided to stop sleeping with cheerleaders for a week as a show of solidarity with Tsarnaev.  This is a travesty.  We all know who really killed those people in Boston.  It was George Zimmerman and the CIA.  Yeah, you heard me.  That white Hispanic killed everyone on orders of the CIA.

Meanwhile, on hearing of the death sentence the Prophet Mohammed (pictured here)

Being the prophet for the religion of peace makes me feel sexy!

scrambled to find the necessary 72 virgins.

Normally I’d be running around like an infidel chicken without a head but this is the American justice system.  He’ll be on death row for years so I have some time to find virgins.  I think.

“If push comes to shove I can always hang around a Comic Con.  I know I’ll find virgins there” said the Prophet.

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