New England Patriots to Start All-Female Offensive Line!

Winning is ableism.

The New England Patriots, winners of two of the last three Super Bowls, shocked the NFL today by announcing that they will be starting an all-female offensive line next season.

“We’ve had plenty of success the past few years” said owner Robert Kraft.

And that got me to thinking about toxic male masculinity and ableism. What sort of message are we sending by winning? Aren’t we in face triggering people who aren’t as good as the Patriots? And what about the fact that every member on our team is a man? Surely this is an exclusionary practice. Because of this I have wrestled with my conscience and decided that starting in 2017 the Patriots will be a gender neutral football team.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell praised the Patriots for their spirit of inclusiveness.

What the Patriots are doing is noble. It is a step in the right direction. I have met many times with representatives from women’s groups and they always ask me why does the NFL have to be all-male.  Surely a woman can be just a good a lineman as a 350 pound male? I must agree. Size, strength and ability should not be markers for success. A 135 pound woman with spirit and determination is an equal match for a larger, stronger, more athletic male. I believe that.

With the Patriots moving to an all-female offensive line pressure is mounting on other teams in the NFL to adopt gender-neutral policies. A spokesman for the Denver Broncos said that they are considering hiring a quarterback from the Lingerie Football League.

The Denver Broncos have a long and proud tradition of anti-ableism. Remember we had Tim Tebow as our quarterback. So yeah, we are all about not winning. We feel that having a woman quarterback will send a strong message that Denver does not tolerate the patriarchy. The only question is will she wear a helmet or does she prefer a pussy hat. While a pussy hat may lead to more concussions it is a visible symbol of female equality.

During the Patriots first practice with their all-female offensive line quarterback Tom Brady was injuring and carried off the field with a concussion and 203 broken bones.

“Our new offensive line obviously didn’t do a good enough job of protecting our quarterback” said head coach Bill Belichick.

I think they just were having problems learning our system. I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on it. I’m sure the women will be ready by the start of the season. I’m sure they will be. Absolutely. And if we discover that they still cannot protect our quarterback we’ll just fire them and hire different women.  Bill Belichick is all about gender equality.

From his hospital bed where he is recovering, Tom Brady pleaded with New England fans to be patient with their new offensive line.

The women have spirit. And their hearts are in the right places. Mine isn’t anymore because of all my crushed and broken bones. But like I said don’t blame the women. The enemy is ableism and toxic male masculinity.  And as soon as I have a full body transplant I look forward to rejoining the Patriots for the season ahead.

Brady’s only concern was his testicles.

“If they though my balls were deflated before they should see them now” he said before drifting into unconsciousness.


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