Shady New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) has avoided indictment on multiple corruption charges, thereby paving the way for his landslide re-election in 2017.
Among the many probes, federal officials were investigating whether de Blasio shook down campaign donors for favors.
Since the evidence was overwhelming that de Blasio (stage name Warren Wilhelm Jr.) did in fact break many laws I contacted prosecutors to ask them why they did not indict. I was able to find one person who would speak to me, albeit anonymously.
MI: Good afternoon. Can you tell me why your office decided not to indict?
AFP (Anonymous Federal Prosecutor): It’s quite simple really. It was the Clinton Principle.
MI: The what?
AFP: The Clinton Principle.
MI: What is the Clinton Principle?
AFP: Simply put the Clinton Principle states that while a law or several, or even every law may have been broken, as long as there was no intent there is no crime. And after careful investigation we concluded that Mayor de Blasio was careless but still acted out of the superabundant goodness of his heart and did not intend to break any laws.
MI: The super –
AFP: Yes, the superabundance of good that is his heart.
MI: How does a prosecutor devoted to the rule of law determine what is in someone’s heart?
AFP: We start with a very simple precept: Is this person a Democrat? If so then we give them the benefit of the doubt. Being a Democrat implies that one is a good person.
MI: So being a Democrat means that you are a good person filled with a superabundance of goodness in your heart?
AFP: Yes. It’s basic science. So proceeding from there we decided not to prosecute because it wouldn’t be fair.
MI: It wouldn’t be fair?
AFP: No, Democrats are good people as I said. And to prosecute them is wrong.
MI: So the rule of law doesn’t apply to Democrats?
AFP: Technically it does. But that isn’t fair. So we usually don’t prosecute. Why do you think Al Sharpton hasn’t been prosecuted? He’s a good man who didn’t intend to break any tax laws.
MI: But what if de Blasio had been a Republican?
AFP: Oh, then we would have prosecuted.
AFP: Because Republicans are evil by nature. They are mean people who lack the scientific and legal principle of superabundance of goodness.
MI: I don’t know what to say.
AFP: We base all our legal decisions on this scientific principle. Are you a Democrat? If not we’re going to have to look at your tax returns.
MI: Me? Um. Yeah. I’m a Democrat. So very much a Democrat. Totally, totally a Democrat.
AFP: I can tell. You look like you have a superabundance of good in your heart.
MI: That’s me. Anyway I thank you for your time.
AFP: Anything for a fellow superabundant Democrat.
I guess the Clinton Principle pays. For Democrats. Unfortunately this means a second term for Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio).