Police in the German state of Bavaria are still trying to sort out the details of a hate crime wherein a local Wiccan was burned to death after being thrown in an oven by brother and sister Hansel and Gretel.
“Of all my years on the force this is the most despicable crime I have ever seen” said a detective.
We recovered the Wiccan’s ashes from her stove and forensics are using dental records to make a positive identification but we are sure at this point that it was the owner of the house. As to why these kids would do this we can only speculate. Perhaps they opposed Chancellor Angela Merkel’s compassionate open borders policy towards Muslims. Perhaps they support Donald Trump. Either way they had to take out their rage on an innocent subject. This duo might have tried to kill a Muslim first but were frightened off after he allegedly tried to rape Gretel. Clearly just a misunderstanding.
The Wiccan was known in the vicinity as a gentle, progressive and peace loving woman who read poetry, practiced yoga and veganism and was devoted to empowering women everywhere.
“I used to bump into her at the market” said one woman.
She always had a smile and said she would use a Wiccan spell to help me get a job. I’d see her at her booth selling home grown kale. We talked about our mutual love of plants and our desire to overthrow the patriarchy. Once I introduced my boyfriend to her and she said, “Don’t let him violate you with his man thing. The penis is evil!” And she was right. I left my boyfriend right after that to explore lesbianism and eco-warriorism.
The Wiccan who had no legal name as she believed names were tools of oppression was also known for her love of children and even built her home from bread and cakes with windowpanes of sugar in hopes of attracting children whom she would entertain by telling them the history of Wiccans.
“Don’t trust the history books” she would say. “We Wiccans have been given a bad rap by the patriarchy.”
One day Hansel and Gretel came to her cottage with a sob story of being lost and abandoned.
“We all know what big hearts Wiccans have” said a crime scene investigator.
She was probably delighted to help and probably even offered part of her house to eat. While we have no evidence that this happened it would fit in with what we know about Wiccans. But these damn kids decided to kill her and take her valuables. This is so typical of non-progressive types.
As for Hansel and Gretel the two despicable murderers are being held under tight security in an unknown location because of the feelings against them.
Prosecutors have charged both with murder and hate crimes.
Hansel and Gretel maintain their innocence, saying that they acted in self-defense after the Wiccan tried to kill them.
Naturally no one believes them.
“I expect a speedy trial” said the prosecutor.
“As northern Europeans we carry a lot of guilt with us over our violent, racist past. Sentencing these two punks to life in prison will help assuage that.”