New Year’s Eve Festivities Cancelled Because of Trump’s Victory

Because people are still morning Trump's victory, celebration is inappropriate

Because people are still morning Trump’s victory, celebration is inappropriate

December 31st is traditionally the day that hundreds of thousands gather in Times Square to watch the ball drop. Not this year however.

“It just wouldn’t be appropriate” said New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm, Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio, pictured here).

Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. talks to reporters

Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. talks to reporters

We are still mourning the loss by  Hillary Clinton. She should be president not Trump. She won the popular vote you know. That should make her president. New Yorkers’ do not feel like celebrating. We don’t feel safe anymore. Our safe spaces have been violated. We have been triggered. So instead of celebrating New Years I ask all New Yorkers to stay home with their 50 watt light bulbs and low-flush toilets and contemplate the glory of socialism.

In the People’s Democratic Socialist Republic of California, Governor Jerry Brown, pictured here,

Governor Jerry Brown cancels new years

Governor Jerry Brown cancels new years

cancelled all New Years’ eve festivities throughout the state.

“We cannot continue to pretend that life goes on as normal” said the governor.

We have a man about to become president who did not win the popular vote. California provided the popular vote margin she needed to win. Are we going to let the yokels in the other 49 states dictate who rules over us? Therefore to show the seriousness of our mourning I have cancelled all celebrations and ask my subjects in California to divert their water supply to feed the Delta Smelt. Divert it. Redistribute your water, so to speak. And next year, after we have seceded from the United States we will celebrate New Years. I will even invite China’s premier. Two great socialist states celebrating together!

The cancellation of New Years is not confined to America. In Germany, Chancellor Angela Merkel (pictured here)

German Chancellor Angela Merkel

German Chancellor Angela Merkel

declared that New Years festivities a “tool of the infidel.”

“We must forbid such western frivolities” said the Chancellor.

They are sexual in nature. Women, bearing their heads in public, mingle and grind against the flesh of men. This is an abomination. To forestall any such eventuality I am cancelling all New Years’ Eve festivities.  I will also round up women, 15 and older for ritual genital circumcision.  It is what the prophet wants.

Tragically, before she could finish her comments she was killed when a truck plowed into her. There are no suspects as of yet but the Tea Party is the most likely culprit.

Back in New York City many have retired to their boarded-up safe spaces to await the New Year.

“I just don’t feel safe anymore” said one New Yorker.

It’s Trump’s election. And rising violent crime like rape and murder. But mainly Trump. He’s the reason I don’t feel safe.

President Obama (pictured here)

President Obama asks his subjects to obey him

President Obama asks his subjects to obey him

has asked all citizens to remain indoors on New Years as a protest.

“Michelle and i will of course be out partying in Hawaii but everybody else shouldn’t. That’s an order. Hey you over there, why did you stop clapping?”


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