E.T. Suffers Third-Degree Burns as Samsung Phone Explodes in His Hand!

Me phone home but not with this f*cking Samsung!

Me phone home but not with this f*cking Samsung!

An alien botanist, known only at “E.T.” was severely burned today when the Samsung phone he was using to phone home exploded, leaving him with third-degree burns over half his body.

“Poor little fellow” said a by-stander who saved the burning botanist by throwing a blanket over him.

I blame myself. I gave him the phone after all. I noticed him walking around and he kept saying “E.T. phone home” to anyone that noticed him. He was short, brown and had an accent so I thought he was Mexican and needed to phone his family so I gave him my phone. Turns out he wasn’t dialing Mexico but another galaxy. Boy I’m not looking forward to my bill next month.

It was after successfully completing his call that the phone exploded, setting E.T. on fire.

He went up pretty quickly. Flames were everywhere. Passersby asked me what happened and I said “I don’t know. I think the phone exploded.” That’s when we all tried to put him out. Because if he were Mexican we didn’t want any trouble. Mexico is our ally and love trumps hate. After a few tries we were able to put him out. He was all steamy and brown and smelled funny. That’s when we called the ambulance.

The EMTs tried to ascertain if E.T. had insurance but were unable to get a clear answer.

“He was in too much pain” said one of the first responders.

I felt for the poor bastard. He looked like burned sweet and sour chicken. Anyway we decided to take him to a hospital even without insurance. Look we didn’t want any trouble with the Mexican embassy. We are progressives not like those racist Trump voters. Once we had him in the ambulance we started singing Besame Mucho just to make him feel better. It is Mexico’s most recorded song after all. It didn’t seem to work. He kept screaming “Kill me. Kill E.T. now.”  And I thought botanists were tough.

Once at the hospital E.T. was segregated from the rest of the patients while agents from the government asked him questions.

“We had no idea what we were dealing with” said one of the questioners.

We didn’t know if he was a dangerous alien botanist bent on human subjugation or just a Mexican with bad phone skills. He seemed reluctant to answer our questions until we waterboarded him. That was the carrot. For the stick we threatened to deport him back to Mexico. That got him talking. Turns out he was just another alien botanist who got separated from his group. Happens all the time really. At least in California. Anyway it turns out alien botanist are outside our jurisdiction so we called in some border control agents.

The border control agents swore E.T. to secrecy, gave him a Mexican passport and registered him as a Democrat.

We told him his name was Enrique Nieto and he could vote in any presidential election. He seemed confused by this and kept saying “E.T. phone home.” That’s when I gave him my Samsung.


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A large fire has broken out in the hospital holding E.T. Many are confirmed dead, including one badly burned Mexican named Enrique Nieto.


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