White people should not sing this song!

A local man has been arrested and charged with cultural appropriation after trying to start a sing-a-long of Feliz Navidad at his office holiday party. Sources report that the man, a low-level employee at his company, shocked his fellow employees with his aborted sing-a-long attempt to the point that several had to seek refuge in a company-designated safe space.

“I was having a good time at the party” said a female administrative assistant.

Up until that point the party had been bland and inoffensive. Perfect really. They were handing out prizes and participation trophies for those who gender identity is non-binary. We even had a couple gay men discuss how Santa is homophobic. Like I said, the party was bland, perfect and progressive. But then this white man, who should know better, tried to sing that song! Everyone stopped talking and looked around nervously. Was this part of a white backlash? Was it the beginning of a race riot?

As the clueless white alt-right conservative continued to try to get his coworkers to incriminate themselves in his sing-a-long, a member of the HR sensitivity training team was summoned.

“I sensed rage. Rage, anger and fear in the room” she said.

I knew I was sitting on top of a powder keg and it was my job to diffuse the situation. I herded the shocked co-workers to other rooms where they could cool off from their understandable righteous outrage. I then approached the alt-right white man and gently as possible asked him if he was under-educated. He didn’t understand the question so I guess the answer was yes. I then asked him if he was conscious of the pain, suffering and oppression that Mexicans and all Hispanics suffer every day? He tried to get smart with me and said, “How can Hispanics be oppressed? They are a majority in this country.” Well that did it. By the authority granted me I suspended him without pay on the spot and had security remove him from the building. I then invited everyone back from their safe spaces and we all recited the core principles of Kwanzaa.  The crisis was averted thanks to some quick thinking, progressive values.

As for the suspended employee, his life has bottomed out.

Informed as to her husband’s alt-right political views, the employee’s wife booted him out of the home they shared, changed the locks and filed for divorce.

The HR sensitivity leader then contacted the FBI, who proceeded to put him on a anti-government terrorist watch list.

“We kept him under surveillance” said the FBI agent in charge of the investigation.

But we had no proof that he was a terrorist at first. But then he went to a hockey game. Who goes to hockey games? White people. That’s who. I mean I’m white and I’ve never gone to one. But then again I’m not under-educated. We assume the crowd at these hockey games are filled with alt-right types discussing how they want to overthrow our government. That’s when we arrested him.

Charged with conspiracy, the man was transported to a federal prison awaiting his trial.

Despite the overwhelming evidence against him he remains defiant.

“I just like the song. That’s all” he told his interrogators.

Fortunately for America, the FBI agents do not believe the under-educated alt-right conspirator.

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