A dejected Hideki Matsui contemplates the new Yankee policy

The New York Yankees announced today that because of adverse economic conditions, they are limiting their players to 4 groupies and 2 prostitutes per player per game.

“We appreciate that many of our fans are suffering” says Yankee President Randy Levine.  “We know that most of our important fans find it difficult to spend $3,000 for box seats and have money left over for caviar, sushi, wine and other perks.  Yet they read about the excesses of athletes.  I know this bothers our loyal fans.  Because of this I am announcing a limit on the number of groupies and/or prostitutes our players are allowed.”

This new policy only makes official what had been the unspoken rule since the late ’90s.   Until then players were allowed unlimited access to groupies and prostitutes. That policy changed after “The night of 1,000 groupies” in which Bernie Williams brought to his hotel over 30 women and satisfied them all while shouting “Who’s your black daddy?”  He apparently caused such a commotion that hotel security was called. In order to keep the incident quiet the Yankees had to pay the hotel an undisclosed sum.

Still, many Yankees are upset about the codefication of these unspoken rules.  According to catcher Jorge Posada, “My women are part of my workout regimen.  Cutting down on them could jeopardize my shoulder rehabilitation.  Jorge not happy.  Jorge get gun!”

Mariano Rivera was quoted as saying “The groupies are good luck for me.  I have them rub my bald spot after every game.  Mariano not happy.  Mariano get Jorge’s gun.”

New Yankee Mark Teixeira said “Limit our women?  What is this?  Golf??”

The Yankees are not alone in their desire for retrenchment.  While New York is the most visible of franchises, other teams have quietly instituted new rules.  The Philadelphia Phillies have limited players to 2 groupies and 1 philly cheese steak while the Florida Marlins now ask their players to limit themselves to 1 groupie and, strangely enough, 1 alligator. (In a related note, the Marlins have announced that their bench coach Carlos Tosca has been fired for “excessive alligator entertainment” after one of their pitching prospects went missing after an altercation with the one of Tosca’s alligators.)

Donald Fehr, head of the players union, is keeping a close eye on the situation.  “Anytime a team restricts what a player was heretofore allowed we consider this a very serious matter.  The union – oh Christ no get this alligator off me he’s chewing my arm off.”

Despite some opposition Randy Levine does not anticipate major problems in instituting the new rules.  “They understand that with the economy the way it is we have to cut back. Our guys are professionals.  They will abide by the rules.  Well, except for Jeter.  That guy’s insatiable.”

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