In what has become a common occurrence a man walking with his children was startled when he witnessed spontaneous human combustion (SHC).

“I was just out for a stroll with my kid when – boom – the guy in front of me exploded into a pile of guts.  My son was covered in intestines.  He may never eat meatloaf again!”

Cases have risen dramatically in the past year with SHC passing having one’s eyes picked out by ravens as the leading cause of death in the northeast United States.  Experts have striven to find the cause and now it appears they have a common denominator.

“What links all recent victims of SHC is they have had computer trouble and placed calls to a local help desk center” according to Dr. John Robert, Head of Intensive Care at Memorial General Hospital.  “When doing autopsies we discovered remnants of laptops stuck in the anal tract.  At first we thought it was a college fad until we were able to talk to one  survivor of SHC who mentioned that he was having trouble plugging a PS2 mouse into his USB port and called the 800 number for assistance.  Instead of help, he was told to ‘shove it up his ass.’   Fortunately for him he had a Macbook which is rather thin and he passed it after a dinner of  linguini.  If he owned a ThinkPad he would have died.” 

Sociologists are aware of call center hostility and  believe there are several reason behind it.

According to sociologist Dr. Harold Schwietzer, author of the best seller “You’re okay but I feel like Clay Aiken”, “Help desk technicians do not make much money and are stuck in windowless rooms for 12 hour shifts with barely a bathroom break.   Plus many live in New Jersey which would of course compound self-esteem issues.”

With no cure for call center hostility people are advised that if they call an 800 number and are told to “shove it up their ass” they are to get independent verification that this course of action is correct.

“There are times when shoving a laptop into one’s anal tract is the right thing to do, such as when you are being transported to French Guiana to serve a life sentence or when you’ve just opened up a MySpace account.  But these are isolated examples.”

In the meantime, to increase chances of survival people owning laptops are advised to “Be Safe.  Be Smart. Eat Linguini.”

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