Confused Azerbaijanis attack Albany, New York

An Azerbaijani man shortly before the attack on AlbanyThe first call to police came shortly after 9 AM: Reports of gunfire by the Capitol.  “We grabbed our guns and arrived at the scene within minutes” said Lt. Brian McGreevey of the Albany Police Department.  “What we saw astounded us.  Downtown was filled with men brandishing shotguns.  I was surrounded by grizzled old men who were drinking heavily. I thought it was U2.”

What the Lt. thought was U2 turned out to be a group of Azerbaijanis.   Joe Simpson, whose store was attacked by the mob stated that “they came in and kept yelling ‘where are the Albanians……where are the Albanians.’  I told them that this is Albany and we are all Albanians.  This made them even angrier and they fired off their guns into the air.”

The heavily outnumbered police watched as the gang of Azerbaijanis moved towards the Capitol Building, shooting their weapons and breaking storefronts.  Upon entering the Capitol they interrupted senate deliberations by shouting obscenities from the visitor’s gallery.  Witnesses in the gallery said that it appeared they were shouting either “Death to our Albanian enemies” or “We love Britney Spears” but couldn’t be certain because of the acoustics.

After disrupting the senate they moved to the Governor’s office.  Governor Paterson, who was in his office at the time, was quickly surrounded by the group.  Paterson who is legally blind said  “They felt grizzled and smelled drunk so I assumed it was U2.  I gave them the keys to the city.”

This was much to the Azerbaijanis liking who took Paterson upon their shoulders as they marched through the streets shouting “Our enemy has surrendered.”

After depositing the governor by a curbside the group went towards the SUNY campus where they reportedly “drank beer and insulted Albanian women” before getting on a bus and leaving the city  peacefully.

The whole incident has many scratching their heads but resolved to  end any and all disturbances by grizzled and drunk old men.

On a related note, two hours later U2 arrived in the city as part of their U.S. tour.  They were immediately arrested and thrown in jail.


One Response

  1. This article may possibly be mentioned on Twitter by someone. genuinely?

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