Everything is bad for you!

Vivek Murthy, the Surgeon General of the United States, has announced that he will be expanding warning labels and will be placing them on everything.

“Putting warning labels on cigarettes doesn’t go nearly far enough to protect our citizens” said Murthy.

It is the job of the Federal government to ensure our citizens live safe, moral lives. Activities that the government does not approve of and that bring pleasure are dangerous. Pleasurable activities must be stopped! Accordingly our office will be placing  warning labels on everything. Everything! So straighten up and act right citizens. Your government cares for you. Yes I realize this will be expensive and some might complain that it unnecessarily expands the scope of the HHS but it’s for your own good! How could you object to that? What are you?  Republicans?

And with those words of benevolent government warning, Murthy released a partial list of pre-approved warning labels.

Effective immediately pizza delivery boxes will be labelled:

• Warning: Pizza causes hardening of the arteries and erectile dysfunction. What is that? Pineapple topping?  What are you?  A terrorist?

All beer shall have the following label placed on it:

• Warning: Excessive consumption of alcohol may lead to sex. And not good sex either. You’ll feel cheap, dirty and used. You might wake up in an alley without your pants or your wallet. However if your intoxication leads to gay sex and gay marriage then we can look the other way.

TVs will be labelled thusly:

• You’re watching football again, aren’t you? Football is brutish and patriarchal. It also promotes violence against women. But as a Republican I guess you’re okay with that? Turn off the TV and put on NPR you knuckle-dragging red state neanderthal.

Pop Tarts will be labelled:

• Warning:  Pop Tarts are the devil’s food. Eat kale instead. Unless they are cherry frosted pop tarts.  I’ve always had a weakness for those. I’m not saying I won’t feel guilty afterwards because I will. But I’m a Democrat and that means I’m a good person.

Meat will be labelled:

• Murderer! Because that’s what you are. Go vegan. Studies have shown that vegans are more enlightened. Sure they smell from not bathing but that’s part of their charm.

All Republicans will be forced to wear the following label:

• Warning: This man is a gun nut. Probably a Christian. Shun him. If he refuses to be shunned then riot and stab him. It’s for the good of the country.

Penises will contain warning labels directed towards women:

• Warning:  Don’t tell me you’re actually thinking of performing fellatio on this man! Don’t you know how degrading and non-empowering that is for women? Get up off your knees and find a woman to have sex with. Note: If you are a man about to perform fellatio then you go, guy!  Pride!

Catholic churches will be labelled:

• Warning: Setting foot inside this facility could seriously harm one’s development of conscience. The Church teaches doctrines that are opposed to the State. Hate-filled doctrines. Please leave immediately and find a non-denominational spiritual but not religious church to feel good about yourselves.

Murthy promises that the full list of warning labels will be releases within a few months.

“Our goal is to control all human behavior. It’s for the good of the citizens.”

(154)

All suicide bombing contestants must sign a contract

One of the most popular moments in the holy month of Ramadan is the annual “Competitive Suicide Bomber” contest sponsored by Nathan’s Hot Dogs.

“I have come from hundreds of miles away just to see this” said one of the people lucky enough to view the event.

The contest began in 1974 as a dare among four friends to see who could kill the most infidels. The winner of the first contest killed three people and his family was awarded a gift certificate for more Nathan’s hot dogs.

Since then competitive suicide bombing has grown in popularity and entered the big time. But not without a little controversy along the way.

All contestants must sign a contract with Major League Suicide Bombing to compete in the contest.  In 2008 the previous winner’s left arm was brought to the state by his family with a bomb strapped to it in an attempt to have the arm enter the contest. The arm was wrestled to the ground and detonated in a non-official suicide bomber detonation area.

Many potential suicide bombers have formed their own league, “The United League of Suicide Bombing” in hopes of competing with the Major League Suicide Bombers. Neither side recognizes the legitimacy of the other league. Indeed the Major League doesn’t even consider the United League to be a “pure” suicide bombing.

“They use designated suicide bombers” said an official with the Major League of Suicide Bombing.

In the United League a suicide bomber who is good at building bombs but not at exploding himself is allowed to have someone else take his place while he sits on the sidelines. This cheapens the entire atmosphere behind competitive suicide bombing. I only hope the designated bomber does not come to our league.

For their part the United League of Suicide Bombing accuses the Major League of using BEDs or “bomb enhancing drugs.”

“They are cheaters and are cheapening all the suicide bomb records” according to the United League.

In our contests, which are clean, twenty, maybe twenty five to thirty people are killed.  That’s a respectable number. But look at the numbers the Major League has put up the past couple years.  They’ve gone from twenty dead to almost seventy dead by suicide bombing. How do you explain such inflated numbers? It’s not natural bomb-making skills. They are enhancing their bombs. We at the United League call upon the Major League to test all their bombers. How are children, the suicide bombers of the future, expected to look up to bombers if they are cheating? It’s enough to make one remove their suicide belt and have sex with a goat in a cave.

There have been calls for an outside, neutral organization to oversee future competitive suicide contests and many see a potential role for the UN.

“We would be honored to regulate the world of suicide bombing” said Ban Ki-moon, the Secretary General for the United Nations.

“The first thing we’ll do is get rid of the Jews. Once that is done suicide bombers can continue their trade honestly, without outside Jew interference.”

(8)

The American bible. Read it.

So this Monday is the Fourth of July.

For me the Fourth of July isn’t a day to celebrate. It is a day of mourning.

I mourn for the Republic we have lost and will never get back again.

One hundred years of the “progressive” movement has reached its end game: transforming a limited government republic into a divine right monarchy (with the president taking the place of the Tudor kings).

Our Constitution, the greatest document for human freedom ever written by the hand of man, ignored, destroyed, trampled under.

The rule of law ignored.  Hillary Clinton will not be prosecuted.

I remember in school being told that the strength of America was that there really was very little difference between Democrats and Republicans. And that seemed to be true.

Not today. The level of hatred between the two would have been inconceivable 40 years ago. We no longer believe in the same things.

I believe in the Constitution. As written. Not as a “living document” to be interpreted by the zeitgeist of the time. I believe in limited government.

If that makes me a reactionary conservative then I gladly accept the honor of being called that.

I am not optimistic about the future of America.

Whomever wins this election will not be accepted by the losers.

If you want to see the future of America look to Northern Ireland. That is our future: A long war of paramilitary groups, cease fires, broken cease fires, arms dumps, bombings, assassinations, people being woken up at 3 in the morning, marched out into fields and shot in the back of the head.

That is what we are in for.

If it is true, as it has been said, that the Constitution is the American code of Canon Law then if follows that the Declaration of Independence is the American bible.

Please read it and ask yourselves:  Are not the grievances the colonists had against the crown the same grievances we have against our Federal government today?

One phrase in particular stands out:

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.

Of course our fourth and most powerful branch of government, the bureaucratic, will say they are acting in our best interests.  Privileged overlords always say that.

In the meantime, in closing, our Declaration of Independence:

IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.–Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

(13)

White homophobes strike again!

Just weeks after the attack at a gay nightclub in Orlando, hate reared its ugly head again in Istanbul Turkey as suicide bombers struck at the gay Ataturk airport, killing 41 people.

One gay eyewitness describes a scene of panic and desolation.

I heard some explosions. Then there was gay blood and gay severed limbs everywhere. It was horrendous. As a gay man I am outraged that such hatred still exists. I feel outraged. And oppressed. And that makes me feel good about myself.

Turkish authorities say that most of the victims were probably gay and have labelled the attack as a hate crime.

“This is a hate crime” said a Turkish authority.

A hateful hate crime of hateful proportions.  Turkey, like all Muslim countries does not countenance discrimination against homosexuals. Stoning yes. Throwing off building yes. But not discrimination. We want homosexuals around the world to know that we intend to hold a candlelight vigil soon. We have also created a hashtag #nohateinIstabul. We urge people to use this hashtag to express their sympathies with gay victims around the world.

Turkish authorities have also denied that Islam had anything to do with the bombings.

Islam is the religion of peace. To say that one of our co-religionists could do this is insulting and racist. Only stupid people like Donald Trump would dare blame Islam. No. The suicide bombers were obviously homophobes. Obviously Christian. I don’t know which denomination. Lutheran maybe. They shouted “Jesus is lord” before the bombs went off so they weren’t Calvinists or they would have shouted “Jesus is lord for the predestined.”

Throughout the world gay people reacted the tragedy in Istanbul with candlelight vigils.

“I’ve always felt safe as a gay man” said one vigil goer.

But now I just don’t know. First Orlando. Now Istanbul. It’s open season on gay people. I feel oppressed. And I like feeling oppressed. It makes me want to vote for the Democrats.

From a golf course outside Washington President Obama spoke about the hate crime in Istanbul.

Obviously this is a hate crime. My thoughts go out to gay people everywhere. On the White House web site we have created a hash tag #nohateblamerepublicans. I also want to point out that if Turkey had some common sense gun control laws this hate crime could have been avoided. How long will Republicans deny us a vote on gun control legislation? How long will Republicans continue to condone hate crimes?

From the House of Representatives John Lewis of Georgia’s 5th congressional district vowed to remain seated on the floor of the House chamber until common sense gun control laws are passed.

America will no longer tolerate hatred and inaction in the face of gun crimes. Or do Republicans like to see people die?

In Rome Pope Francis, on behalf of all Christians, apologized for the bombing.

“As a Catholic I am ashamed at how we marginalize gay people by bombing them and throwing them off buildings.”

(28)

White men hate globalization and open borders

Dateline Philadelphia, July 1776.

World financial markets took a tumble today upon the news that the north American colonies voted “Yes”  on a so-called “Brexit“, the exit from Great Britain.

“The people of the colonies have spoken” said John Adams, one of the leaders of the Brexit movement.

We have taken back our country. No longer will we be ruled by a distant bureaucracy whose only interest is lining their pockets. We are free. The second day of July 1776 will be the most memorable epocha in the history of America. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shews, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other from this time forward forevermore.

Thomas Jefferson, another leader of the Brexit movement stated that move was necessary to control its borders.

“Great Britain has prevented us from expanding our territory” he said.

Not only has he obstructed the laws for the naturalization of foreigners but he has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, otherwise known as the native Americans, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

Still not everyone is happy with the vote for independence, with many lamenting the loss of access to England’s financial markets.

“I do all my trading with England” said a farmer in Virginia.

We are an English people. We think in English. We use English products. It’s only natural that we would trade with them. How is this exit going to affect us? Will I still have access to their markets? Will I have to pay more? It’s all uncertainty right now.

Others who wanted to remain part of England complain that Adams, Jefferson and others in the Leave camp were motivated by racism.

“The institutional racism of the colonies has shown itself again” declared Ye Olde New Yorke Times in an editorial.

Adams, Washington, Jefferson and others like him are all white. All old. All Anglo-Saxon. This so-called Brexit is nothing more than a cloak to cover their desire to keep the North American continent white. They want to keep the Germans and the Dutch, those non-white races from our land. But as far as the wild Irish, well in this case we agree with Adams and Jefferson. The Irish should be kept off of this continent. I mean, we are all for open borders. But we draw the line with the Irish. Do we ever!

Whatever the motives of the leaders for independence, which must remain within their hearts, they were dealt a blow when Washington was forced to evacuate the island of Manhattan to the British.

“This is just a temporary setback” said Washington.

“I just wish we didn’t have to leave so quickly. I think I left my teeth behind.”

(39)

It’s naptime!

Being an alcoholic a reporter I am always vomiting in alleys and losing my pants looking for a scoop. So when House Democrats sat down on the floor of the House last week I, like many Americans, wondered why?

Using my skills as an investigative reporter how much to touch it? I was able to get the official daily schedule for all House Democrats, which I now share with my readers.

Authorized Daily Activities for House Democratics (Not to be Released to the Public)

Hello House Democrats!  Welcome to Washington DC and your Capitol Building. As many of you are away from home for the first time in your lives we have kept the daily activities light and stress free.  Please enjoy your stay at the Capitol and feel free to contact me should any issues arise. Those of you who cannot read may ask a colleague to read this schedule to you.

Yours sincerely,

Debbie Wasserman Shultz, Chair of the Democratic National Committee

• 8 am – Wakeup Time

At 8 am every morning I have arranged for a wake up call to your residence. I have chosen the theme from Barney the Dinosaur (“I love you/you love me”) as it makes you feel good about yourselves.

• 8 am – 8:30 am – Bath Time

I know most of you don’t like taking baths but it’s necessary. When we are in front of the cameras we must look clean. So take those baths and remember to wash behind your ears!  As an incentive to wash I have left a rubber duckie and X Men themed soap for all of you.

• 9 am- 9:45 am – Breakfast

All of your favorite cereals will be available for you:  Captain Crunch, Count Chocula, Frankenberry.  I have even provided crazy straws for a fun breakfast.

• 10 am – Pickup by Yellow School bus

At 10 am a yellow school bus will begin making rounds to pick up all Democratic members of congress.  Just remember to bring your metal lunch boxes with you (for those who will not be eating the lunch provided at the Capitol). And please, male members, stop pulling the pig tails of the girls on the bus. 

•  11 am – Arrival at Capitol (the big building with the Dome)

Once you have arrived at the big building with the dome the fun will begin. Just be sure to hold your partner’s hand while in the building. It is big and you might get lost. If you do get lost just ask one of the nice security guards who carry the guns denied private citizens to lead you to your office.

• 12 pm – Lunch time!

At noon hall monitors will escort you to the Capitol cafeteria (lunch room) where you will be given a nutritious and delicious lunch. Just don’t tell Michelle Obama that hamburgers on on the menu. And please, do not play with your food or throw it at anyone. You need to eat if you will ever develop muscles.

• 1 pm to 3 pm – Nap time!

After lunch you will no doubt be tired.  I have scheduled in a two hour nap time. At 1 pm you will be escorted to the House chambers (the big room with all the seats) where you will be directed to sit down and stretch out for a nap.  Do not worry if Republicans do not join you. They are mean people.

• 3 pm to 4 pm – Gym

A well developed congressman is an athletic congressman!  During this hour you will play approved games that are non contact in nature, where no score is kept and there are no winners or losers. Because winning and losing is mean.  Again, do not worry if Republicans do not join you.  They prefer old-fashioned contact sports where a score is kept and people are divided into winners and losers. Why? Because they are bad, bad people.

•  4 pm – Pickup to return to your homes

By now you are exhausted from you day and want to get home to be tucked in. Buses shall arrive to take you home.  Make sure the bus number matches the number assigned to you!  And once again, no fighting on the bus!

And there you have it.  I don’t understand why people say our elected representatives do not work hard for their money.

(11)

I wouldn’t go outside without a gun!

From his home in Harlem, retired congressman Charlie Rangel stares out his window and contemplates the streets below him.

“I still believe law-abiding citizens shouldn’t carry a gun” said Rangel.

But surely there should be some exception for a former congressman like me?  It’s dangerous out there. When I first retired I went out one night to pick up some ex-lax and some bread from the supermarket.  Some thugs pulled  a gun on me and held me up and took my money.  Damn Puerto Ricans!  I started to tell my security team to shoot them but then I remembered I was no longer in congress and didn’t have a publicly-financed security team with guns protecting me. How do common folk live like this?

Since his retirement Rangel has been a virtual shut-in at his place, occasionally going outside during the day to sit on a park bench and feed the pigeons.

I feel a little safer during the day. But not by much. Too many Puerto Ricans in the neighborhood. Without the Capitol police and their guns I feel naked. I applied for a gun license but in New York City you can’t get a concealed carry license only a license to have your gun at your home. And even when I get my license and buy a gun I have to keep it locked up and the ammo stored separately because of New York’s Safe laws. How stupid is that? If someone breaks into my place am I supposed to tell him to wait while I go unlock my gun and find my bullets? I mean, no private citizen should own a gun. I feel very strongly about this. But I’m Charlie Rangel dammit. Certainly I deserve special privileges? I’m not a common, private citizen.

Needing protection and unable to pay the fees to register for a handgun license, Rangel took to the black market.

“Yeah he tried to buy a gun from me” said a local.

I kept telling him that I didn’t have any guns for him but he didn’t believe me. He kept saying “Come on. You must have a gun. You’re Puerto Rican!” I told him I was working at the supermarket to make extra money for school That’s when he became belligerent. He tried to slap me but you know he’s pretty old and slow so I was able to get out of the way pretty easily. Then he started shouting “Are there any Puerto Ricans in this store who can sell me a handgun?” My manager was able to calm him down by giving him some free ex-lax and pomegranate juice.

The commanding officer of the police precinct by Rangel says the congressman has visited him several times.

“He keeps asking me if I could station a few officers at his place” he said.

And he wants them to act as his full-time security team. I told him that resources were spread pretty thin at the precinct and that we couldn’t do that. He then asked me if it were illegal to shoot Puerto Ricans. I assured him that it was. I suggested that he hire his own private security if he didn’t feel safe. He’s a former congressman. He must have a pension or something saved up.

Indeed Rangel did try to hire a private guard.

“I saw his ad” said the man who showed up at Rangel’s apartment.

Things went well at first. I told him I had over 20 years experience in the field. I thought I had the job. Then he asked me if I were Puerto Rican. When I said yes he told me that he wouldn’t hire me. He then gave me ten dollars to buy ex-lax and pomegranate juice and bring it back to him.

When last seen Rangel was sitting on the front stoop of his building muttering to himself, “I can’t believe how hard it is to buy a damn handgun.”

(7)