Everything is bad for you!

Vivek Murthy, the Surgeon General of the United States, has announced that he will be expanding warning labels and will be placing them on everything.

“Putting warning labels on cigarettes doesn’t go nearly far enough to protect our citizens” said Murthy.

It is the job of the Federal government to ensure our citizens live safe, moral lives. Activities that the government does not approve of and that bring pleasure are dangerous. Pleasurable activities must be stopped! Accordingly our office will be placing  warning labels on everything. Everything! So straighten up and act right citizens. Your government cares for you. Yes I realize this will be expensive and some might complain that it unnecessarily expands the scope of the HHS but it’s for your own good! How could you object to that? What are you?  Republicans?

And with those words of benevolent government warning, Murthy released a partial list of pre-approved warning labels.

Effective immediately pizza delivery boxes will be labelled:

• Warning: Pizza causes hardening of the arteries and erectile dysfunction. What is that? Pineapple topping?  What are you?  A terrorist?

All beer shall have the following label placed on it:

• Warning: Excessive consumption of alcohol may lead to sex. And not good sex either. You’ll feel cheap, dirty and used. You might wake up in an alley without your pants or your wallet. However if your intoxication leads to gay sex and gay marriage then we can look the other way.

TVs will be labelled thusly:

• You’re watching football again, aren’t you? Football is brutish and patriarchal. It also promotes violence against women. But as a Republican I guess you’re okay with that? Turn off the TV and put on NPR you knuckle-dragging red state neanderthal.

Pop Tarts will be labelled:

• Warning:  Pop Tarts are the devil’s food. Eat kale instead. Unless they are cherry frosted pop tarts.  I’ve always had a weakness for those. I’m not saying I won’t feel guilty afterwards because I will. But I’m a Democrat and that means I’m a good person.

Meat will be labelled:

• Murderer! Because that’s what you are. Go vegan. Studies have shown that vegans are more enlightened. Sure they smell from not bathing but that’s part of their charm.

All Republicans will be forced to wear the following label:

• Warning: This man is a gun nut. Probably a Christian. Shun him. If he refuses to be shunned then riot and stab him. It’s for the good of the country.

Penises will contain warning labels directed towards women:

• Warning:  Don’t tell me you’re actually thinking of performing fellatio on this man! Don’t you know how degrading and non-empowering that is for women? Get up off your knees and find a woman to have sex with. Note: If you are a man about to perform fellatio then you go, guy!  Pride!

Catholic churches will be labelled:

• Warning: Setting foot inside this facility could seriously harm one’s development of conscience. The Church teaches doctrines that are opposed to the State. Hate-filled doctrines. Please leave immediately and find a non-denominational spiritual but not religious church to feel good about yourselves.

Murthy promises that the full list of warning labels will be releases within a few months.

“Our goal is to control all human behavior. It’s for the good of the citizens.”

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