Mr. Freeze Fined by EPA!

I don't care what the EPA says, my suit does not pollute!

I don’t care what the EPA says, my suit does not pollute!

Mr. Freeze, well-known around Gotham for his cryogenic suit, was fined today by the Environmental Protection Agency.

“As you know the primary mission of the EPA is to abolish private property and take control of everything” said EPA administrator Gina McCarthy.

But we also care about protecting the environment when we’re not polluting it. The suit that Mr. Freeze wears has us concerned. We worry that he is illegally releasing substances into the air that could lead to global warming. Naturally we at the EPA cannot allow this to continue. After all our top priority is improving the self-esteem of Muslims. And abolishing private property. Also the environment though that’s not a top concern. Frankly it’s just a means to an end. The end being power. Raw, naked, merciless force. And improving the self-esteem of Muslims. We’re bureaucrats not monsters.

Until Mr. Freeze hands over all copies of his cryogenic suit as well as blueprints on how it was made, he will be fined 10,000 dollars a day.

Mr. Freeze for his part plans to fight the EPA and wonders what all the fuss is about.

It’s just a normal suit, like the suit a nine to five office worker might wear. Only mine is cryogenic and keeps me alive. I don’t understand why the EPA is going after me. As a super villain I respect the EPA and the work they do. We should be allies not enemies. And no I’m not paying the fine. Let them send a few SWAT teams. I’ll freeze them with my freeze gun. And believe me when it freezes it freezes.

McCarthy vows not to give up until she is in possession of Mr. Freeze’s suit.

The only good frozen person is a dead frozen person. Power is what we want. Power! Fine. We’ll play your game. Mr. Freeze’s suit releases frozen runoff.  This frozen runoff the EPA classifies as an inland body of water. That gives us the authority under the Constitution to take his suit. We will take it. Because power! Raw, naked, merciless – what? I already said that? But it’s such a good phrase I’m thinking of making it our official mission statement.

A lawyer hired by Mr. Freeze says that his client has done nothing wrong.

Sure he’s killed lots of people. But it’s not like that is illegal. As far as the so-called inland body of water that is produced by my client’s suit, the amount of water released is insubstantial. It’s barely enough to water board a Muslim. What? We’re not doing that anymore? What do you mean waterboarding doesn’t improve their self-esteem?

The EPA has brushed off Mr. Freeze’s lawyer’s remarks and has given him one week to surrender his suit or face the “naked, merciless force of the government.”

“How the hell am I supposed to live without my suit” said Mr. Freeze. “I’ll have to move to a cold, desolate place just to survive. And I’ve already been to Oswego, New York and I don’t want to go back!”


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