House Democratic Schedule Revealed!

It's naptime!

It’s naptime!

Being an alcoholic a reporter I am always vomiting in alleys and losing my pants looking for a scoop. So when House Democrats sat down on the floor of the House last week I, like many Americans, wondered why?

Using my skills as an investigative reporter how much to touch it? I was able to get the official daily schedule for all House Democrats, which I now share with my readers.

Authorized Daily Activities for House Democratics (Not to be Released to the Public)

Hello House Democrats!  Welcome to Washington DC and your Capitol Building. As many of you are away from home for the first time in your lives we have kept the daily activities light and stress free.  Please enjoy your stay at the Capitol and feel free to contact me should any issues arise. Those of you who cannot read may ask a colleague to read this schedule to you.

Yours sincerely,

Debbie Wasserman Shultz, Chair of the Democratic National Committee

  • 8 am – Wakeup Time

At 8 am every morning I have arranged for a wake up call to your residence. I have chosen the theme from Barney the Dinosaur (“I love you/you love me”) as it makes you feel good about yourselves.

  • 8 am – 8:30 am – Bath Time

I know most of you don’t like taking baths but it’s necessary. When we are in front of the cameras we must look clean. So take those baths and remember to wash behind your ears!  As an incentive to wash I have left a rubber duckie and X Men themed soap for all of you.

  • 9 am- 9:45 am – Breakfast

All of your favorite cereals will be available for you:  Captain Crunch, Count Chocula, Frankenberry.  I have even provided crazy straws for a fun breakfast.

  • 10 am – Pickup by Yellow School bus

At 10 am a yellow school bus will begin making rounds to pick up all Democratic members of congress.  Just remember to bring your metal lunch boxes with you (for those who will not be eating the lunch provided at the Capitol). And please, male members, stop pulling the pig tails of the girls on the bus. 

  •  11 am – Arrival at Capitol (the big building with the Dome)

Once you have arrived at the big building with the dome the fun will begin. Just be sure to hold your partner’s hand while in the building. It is big and you might get lost. If you do get lost just ask one of the nice security guards who carry the guns denied private citizens to lead you to your office.

  • 12 pm – Lunch time!

At noon hall monitors will escort you to the Capitol cafeteria (lunch room) where you will be given a nutritious and delicious lunch. Just don’t tell Michelle Obama that hamburgers on on the menu. And please, do not play with your food or throw it at anyone. You need to eat if you will ever develop muscles.

  • 1 pm to 3 pm – Nap time!

After lunch you will no doubt be tired.  I have scheduled in a two hour nap time. At 1 pm you will be escorted to the House chambers (the big room with all the seats) where you will be directed to sit down and stretch out for a nap.  Do not worry if Republicans do not join you. They are mean people.

  • 3 pm to 4 pm – Gym

A well developed congressman is an athletic congressman!  During this hour you will play approved games that are non contact in nature, where no score is kept and there are no winners or losers. Because winning and losing is mean.  Again, do not worry if Republicans do not join you.  They prefer old-fashioned contact sports where a score is kept and people are divided into winners and losers. Why? Because they are bad, bad people.

  •  4 pm – Pickup to return to your homes

By now you are exhausted from you day and want to get home to be tucked in. Buses shall arrive to take you home.  Make sure the bus number matches the number assigned to you!  And once again, no fighting on the bus!

And there you have it.  I don’t understand why people say our elected representatives do not work hard for their money.

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2 Comments

2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    A fine bit of journalism, Infidel.

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