All suicide bombing contestants must sign a contract

One of the most popular moments in the holy month of Ramadan is the annual “Competitive Suicide Bomber” contest sponsored by Nathan’s Hot Dogs.

“I have come from hundreds of miles away just to see this” said one of the people lucky enough to view the event.

The contest began in 1974 as a dare among four friends to see who could kill the most infidels. The winner of the first contest killed three people and his family was awarded a gift certificate for more Nathan’s hot dogs.

Since then competitive suicide bombing has grown in popularity and entered the big time. But not without a little controversy along the way.

All contestants must sign a contract with Major League Suicide Bombing to compete in the contest.  In 2008 the previous winner’s left arm was brought to the state by his family with a bomb strapped to it in an attempt to have the arm enter the contest. The arm was wrestled to the ground and detonated in a non-official suicide bomber detonation area.

Many potential suicide bombers have formed their own league, “The United League of Suicide Bombing” in hopes of competing with the Major League Suicide Bombers. Neither side recognizes the legitimacy of the other league. Indeed the Major League doesn’t even consider the United League to be a “pure” suicide bombing.

“They use designated suicide bombers” said an official with the Major League of Suicide Bombing.

In the United League a suicide bomber who is good at building bombs but not at exploding himself is allowed to have someone else take his place while he sits on the sidelines. This cheapens the entire atmosphere behind competitive suicide bombing. I only hope the designated bomber does not come to our league.

For their part the United League of Suicide Bombing accuses the Major League of using BEDs or “bomb enhancing drugs.”

“They are cheaters and are cheapening all the suicide bomb records” according to the United League.

In our contests, which are clean, twenty, maybe twenty five to thirty people are killed.  That’s a respectable number. But look at the numbers the Major League has put up the past couple years.  They’ve gone from twenty dead to almost seventy dead by suicide bombing. How do you explain such inflated numbers? It’s not natural bomb-making skills. They are enhancing their bombs. We at the United League call upon the Major League to test all their bombers. How are children, the suicide bombers of the future, expected to look up to bombers if they are cheating? It’s enough to make one remove their suicide belt and have sex with a goat in a cave.

There have been calls for an outside, neutral organization to oversee future competitive suicide contests and many see a potential role for the UN.

“We would be honored to regulate the world of suicide bombing” said Ban Ki-moon, the Secretary General for the United Nations.

“The first thing we’ll do is get rid of the Jews. Once that is done suicide bombers can continue their trade honestly, without outside Jew interference.”

(8)