From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: Retired Congressman Charlie Rangel Afraid to Leave Home!

I wouldn't go outside without a gun!

I wouldn’t go outside without a gun!

From his home in Harlem, retired congressman Charlie Rangel stares out his window and contemplates the streets below him.

“I still believe law-abiding citizens shouldn’t carry a gun” said Rangel.

But surely there should be some exception for a former congressman like me?  It’s dangerous out there. When I first retired I went out one night to pick up some ex-lax and some bread from the supermarket.  Some thugs pulled  a gun on me and held me up and took my money.  Damn Puerto Ricans!  I started to tell my security team to shoot them but then I remembered I was no longer in congress and didn’t have a publicly-financed security team with guns protecting me. How do common folk live like this?

Since his retirement Rangel has been a virtual shut-in at his place, occasionally going outside during the day to sit on a park bench and feed the pigeons.

I feel a little safer during the day. But not by much. Too many Puerto Ricans in the neighborhood. Without the Capitol police and their guns I feel naked. I applied for a gun license but in New York City you can’t get a concealed carry license only a license to have your gun at your home. And even when I get my license and buy a gun I have to keep it locked up and the ammo stored separately because of New York’s Safe laws. How stupid is that? If someone breaks into my place am I supposed to tell him to wait while I go unlock my gun and find my bullets? I mean, no private citizen should own a gun. I feel very strongly about this. But I’m Charlie Rangel dammit. Certainly I deserve special privileges? I’m not a common, private citizen.

Needing protection and unable to pay the fees to register for a handgun license, Rangel took to the black market.

“Yeah he tried to buy a gun from me” said a local.

I kept telling him that I didn’t have any guns for him but he didn’t believe me. He kept saying “Come on. You must have a gun. You’re Puerto Rican!” I told him I was working at the supermarket to make extra money for school That’s when he became belligerent. He tried to slap me but you know he’s pretty old and slow so I was able to get out of the way pretty easily. Then he started shouting “Are there any Puerto Ricans in this store who can sell me a handgun?” My manager was able to calm him down by giving him some free ex-lax and pomegranate juice.

The commanding officer of the police precinct by Rangel says the congressman has visited him several times.

“He keeps asking me if I could station a few officers at his place” he said.

And he wants them to act as his full-time security team. I told him that resources were spread pretty thin at the precinct and that we couldn’t do that. He then asked me if it were illegal to shoot Puerto Ricans. I assured him that it was. I suggested that he hire his own private security if he didn’t feel safe. He’s a former congressman. He must have a pension or something saved up.

Indeed Rangel did try to hire a private guard.

“I saw his ad” said the man who showed up at Rangel’s apartment.

Things went well at first. I told him I had over 20 years experience in the field. I thought I had the job. Then he asked me if I were Puerto Rican. When I said yes he told me that he wouldn’t hire me. He then gave me ten dollars to buy ex-lax and pomegranate juice and bring it back to him.

When last seen Rangel was sitting on the front stoop of his building muttering to himself, “I can’t believe how hard it is to buy a damn handgun.”



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