31 Oct 22

Santa’s New Electric-Powered Sleigh Crashes During Testing; No Survivors Found!

Dammit I knew I should have stuck with gas power!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Testing his new electric sleigh, Santa crashed shortly after takeoff.  There are no survivors.

“We are deeply saddened by the death of Santa and our reindeer comrades” said an elf at Santa’s headquarters in the North Pole.

Like all of us, Santa considered himself a steward of the environment and was very concerned about climate change. That’s why he switched to an experimental, battery powered sleigh.  I remember the last words he said to me as he took off.  “What good is bringing presents to all the boys and girls if they are underwater.”  Some of us had doubts about the viability of an electric-powered sleigh.  For one it would be much heavier and no one really knew how many charging stations would be available to Santa on Christmas Eve.  But he was adamant about switching.  And not just because by switching to electric power he was going to get a subsidy from the World Economic Forum.

Santa took off on his new sleigh, dubbed “Santa Electric” (but informally known as “Crash and Burn” by the elves) shortly after dawn with Rudolph leading the way with his famous red nose, which was also using electric power.

Eyewitnesses say that Santa’s sleigh appeared to have difficulty from the start and rose slowly into the sky before beginning a rapid descent.  Air traffic controllers heard Santa shout “Dammit I’m losing control!.  Motherf*cker we’re going down!  Tell my wife I love her!” before losing contact.

First responder rushed to the crash site only to be greeted by a scene of devastation.

“Santa’s sleigh was a mangled mess” said one EMT.

We found Santa’s body about 50 yards from the sleigh. Obviously there had been a sudden, high-speed impact with the ground.  Santa’s head was badly crushed and deformed and the brain was almost completely eviscerated.  The right side of the face was crushed and the right eye-socket eviscerated.  The facial features were not identifiable.  We identified him by his red suit.  The consistency of the chest was soft due to extensive crushing of the bony structure.

The bodies of the reindeer were never found and the National Transportation Safety Board speculates that the reindeer disintegrated on impact.

All we found was Rudolph’s red nose, which was still glowing.  Ironically it led us straight to the crash site.  Good to know that at least we can save his nose for future use.

As for plans for Christmas this year, the elves maintain that the holiday will go on as normally scheduled.

“Except we are going to use the old gas-powered sleigh. As to who will replace Santa, right now we are leaning towards New York governor Kathy Hochul. Hey, she might need a new job soon” said the head elf.

(90)

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28 Oct 22

American Federation of Teachers Unveils List of Approved Reading Material for Fourth Graders

Children (and the Democratic Party) are our top priorities!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With the proper education of the children of America its top priority, the American Federation of Teachers announced today the complete approved list of reading material for 4th graders.

“The education of our children is our top priority” said AFT President Randi Weingarten.

We exist for one reason:  To better the lives of our students.  And further the policies of the Democratic party.  So actually you could say we exist for two reasons:  Bettering the lives of our students and getting people to vote Democrat.  Oh and I forgot about kickbacks.  So you could say we exist for three reasons:  Bettering the lives of our students, getting people to vote Democratic and squeezing union dues from our teachers that I will use for personal reasons.  But none of that matters if we don’t teach our students the proper values.  And that is why we are listing the following books as approved reading material for ten-year olds.

Complete List of Books Approved by the AFT for Students to Read:

  • Mommy Can I Cut My Penis off?

It’s important that male students realize that the penis is an instrument of war.  It is never too early to begin the discussion of gender identity. By cutting their penis off and transitioning to womanhood these students make the world a better place.

  • Mommy Can I Cut my Breasts Off and Get a Penis?

While normally the penis is a weapon of war, if a young girl wants to become a man and transition to penis-hood she should be encouraged.  A former womyn who now has a penis and self-identifies as a man understands the pain of oppression and can help other students transition.

  • The Complete Guide to Masturbation!

We feel that fourth graders should self-pleasure as often as possible.  And they should do it correctly.  Hence this book, which contains many illustrations for students to follow.  The book includes writings from prominent Democratic politicians who will talk about their own experiences with masturbation.

  • Hand Jobs!  Hand Jobs!  Hand Jobs!

While self-pleasuring is important we feel that young boys should learn to pleasure each other.  Hand jobs teach kids the importance of safe sex.  This book, like the Complete Guide to Masturbation, also includes recollections from prominent Democratic politicians on hand jobs and how students need to not listen to Republicans.

  • My Teacher Touched Me!

This book will show children that they need not be afraid of sexual interaction with their teachers.  Having a teacher show a sexual interest in a student is normal.  (No matter what those Republicans try and tell you.)

  • Which Lubricant is Best?

Naturally our students will want to experiment with anal sex.  This guide to lubricants will teach kids which ones are best and won’t lead to an allergic reaction.

  • The Complete Guide to Piercing

Having your nipples, penis or vagina pierced can increase sexual pleasure.  This book will teach students how to self-pierce.

“Naturally this is just a partial list” said Weingarten.

“We have many more books we would like our students to read but our lawyers tell us that some of these books might get us arrested. So we will hold off on those books for now” 

(17)

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24 Oct 22

My Exclusive Interview with Stacy Abrams

Let ‘er rip!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With the midterm elections just two weeks away it is my pleasure to interview the Democratic candidate for Governor of Georgia, Stacy Abrams.

MI:  Good afternoon Miss Abrams.  Sorry I am late.  There was a lot of traffic on the roads.

SA:  I understand.  Traffic is rough.  Slows us all down.  Do you know how as Governor of the great state of Georgia I will solve traffic congestion?

MI:  No. Tell me.

SA:  Abortion!

MI:  Um.  What?

SA:  Abortion!  Under my plan to reduce traffic congestion people will be required to have abortions.  Abortions mean less people.  Less people mean less traffic.

MI:  That’s a rather extreme solution don’t you think?  Surely there must be another way to reduce traffic?

SA:  No.  Only abortion solves our problems.  God gave us the great gift of abortion and I plan to expand its use.  Tired of waiting on line at the DMV? There’s a solution.

MI:  Abortion?

SA:  Precisely.  Home heating bills too expensive during the cold winter months? There is a solution!

MI:  Abortion?

SA:  Yes.  Abort your child.  Less people means you don’t have to keep the house as warm which reduces heating costs.

MI:  I’m not sure that’s how it works.

SA:  Worried about inflation?  There is a solution.

MI:  Let me guess – 

SA:  Abortion!  Your child will only increase your cost of living.  More mouths to feed.  

MI:  I see a pattern here.

SA:  Didn’t like the ending to the Sopranos?

MI:  Abortion?

SA:  Worried about water contamination at Camp Lejeune?

MI:  Abortion?

SA:  Thought the Beatles should have kept Pete Best as their drummer?

MI: Abortion?

SA:  Yes!

MI:  I’m not sure how abortion would solve any of these issues.

SA:  Oh but it will. Abortion will save the world.  In fact, so confident am I that  abortion will solve all of our problems I have constructed a rudimentary time-traveling device.  With this device I will travel back to when I was a fetus and abort myself!

[Candidate Abrams presses a button on the time-traveling device and becomes younger.  Eventually she becomes a child]

SA:  I’m having second thoughts about this.  How do I stop this?  I can feel my mind going.  My consciousness is slipping away.

MI:  I um – 

SA:  No!  I want to live!

[Candidate Abrams returns to a fetal state.  Eventually all that is left on her chair is some stringy, pulpy matter and a blood stain]

MI:  Yeah I’m not cleaning that up.

And so ended my interview with Stacy Abrams.  I’d like to thank candidate Abrams for –

[The fetal matter bursts and Manhattan Infidel is covered in pulpy material]

God dammit!  I told you I am not cleaning up this mess!

(25)

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21 Oct 22

Winnie the Pooh Tagged, Monitored by U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service!

This dangerous and wild animal must be studied!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Acting on a tip of a strangely anthropomorphic teddy bear that was encroaching on human territory and stealing honey, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service today shot and tagged the bear, nicknamed “Winnie” by his human companion Christopher Robin, in hopes of getting further information on the bear.

“We used a drone to locate the bear” said a representative from the Fish and Wildlife service.

Once we had a positive I.D. our agents moved in.  Sure enough there he was, on a public playground not far from children, eating honey and wearing no pants.  We shot him with a tranquilizer and stapled a locater beacon on his ear.

Agents then moved back to observe the bear once he regained consciousness.

We wanted to see if he would reject the tag and rip it off his ear. Instead he woke up, looked at us and asked if we had any honey. We gave him some honey and he started licking it with his paw.  As he was tasting the honey he looked at us and said “Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.”  This startled us as we usually don’t have bears we have tagged talk to us. Usually they just charge and rip our face off.  That happened to one of our agents. We call him “Faceless Dave.”  He was attacked by a bear he had just tagged and it ripped his face right off. He doesn’t seem to be bitter about it and says it’s all part of the job.  Though having no jaw he does miss eating.

After finishing the honey Winnie saluted the agents and said “You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think” before disappearing into the woods.

With the locater beacon active, agents followed him at a safe distance to see what he would do next.

Naturally no one wants an anthropomorphic bear wearing no pants around their children.  Sure enough we followed him to a local school where he entered and asked for Christopher Robin.  We had the school placed in lockdown and Christopher Robin was evacuated for his own safety. He seemed pretty upset about it and kept telling us that Winnie was harmless and was his friend. Obviously we didn’t believe him.  He must be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. Or just weird.

Believing children might be in danger Fish and Wildlife entered the school with their guns.

We found him in the cafeteria eating honey and told him to step away from the jar.  That’s when he said “I wasn’t going to eat it, I was just going to taste it” and “I’m so rumbly in my tumbly.”

Refusing to step away from the jar of honey, agents opened fire.

He didn’t die immediately but was pretty badly hurt.  As he was lying on the floor he asked why we shot him.  He also said “Well will you look at that?  I have no genitalia!”  Those were his last words before he expired.

Christopher Robin has been taken to a secure location for debriefing.

He seems pretty uncooperative and keeps calling us killers. Kids!  Hopefully when he gets older he’ll realize we killed Winnie for his own good.

Winnie’s body was taken to the Fish and Wildlife office in DC for further study.

(401)

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17 Oct 22

FBI Raids Elementary School Searching for White Nationalists!

We know you have white nationalists inside!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Acting on a tip, FBI agents today raided a local elementary school looking for suspected white nationalists.

“We had good intel that there were white nationalist students in the school” said the agent in charge of the raid.

So I gathered up about 100 agents and 30 assault vehicles for the mission.  With white nationalists you see it’s best to intimidate.  Once we were in position around the school we smashed the front door open with a battering ram – I have to admit that’s my favorite part of the job – and began the raid.

Once all agents were in place the students were rounded up and brought to the auditorium for questioning.

Standard procedure really.  We round up all the suspected white nationalists to one room so they can see us interrogate their fellow travelers.  That usually breaks a few of them and they start spilling their white nationalist secrets.

Students were brought to the front of the auditorium one at a time and asked these questions:  “What is marriage?” and “How many genders are there?”

At first we weren’t getting anywhere.  One kid asked us if gender was an ice cream flavor.  That made all the other kids laugh. Well we can’t have people mocking the FBI!  So I tasered him.  I probably shouldn’t have.  I mean the tasers are calibrated for adults or those who self-identify as adults.  I guess the kid was just too small because he immediately burst into flames. By the time we put out the fire he looked like charred brisket and smelled as bad as an Aaron Rodgers game-worn jock strap.  Another kid vomited all over my tactical FBI vest.  Do you know how cool I look wearing that thing? Now I’ll have to get a new one.  Vomit stains do not come off  Kevlar!

Eventually however the FBI found its white nationalist terrorist.

We asked this one kid what marriage was and you know what he said?  He said marriage is between a mommy and a daddy.  Naturally we were all disgusted by his binary answer. He was arrested on the spot.  We tried to handcuff him but he was too small so we had to zip tie him instead.  That’s when he started crying for his mommy.  I asked him “And what is a mommy.” He said “My mommy is a woman and she gave birth to me.”  I had to restrain my enraged officers from beating him.  One of our officers screamed “Men get pregnant too! It’s science!”

The zip-tied child was placed in the back of an FBI van and transported to a secure facility.

“He’s going to be spending a lot of time behind bars.  He won’t be threatening anyone with his white nationalism for years” said one agent.

(28)

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14 Oct 22

My Exclusive Interview with John Fetterman

Fin fed mr glo ah noch nod fid

 

 

 

 

 

With the midterms just weeks away it is my pleasure here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ to interview none other than the Democratic Senatorial candidate from Pennsylvania John Fetterman.

MI:  Good morning Mr. Fetterman

JF:  No gleep butch modo.

MI:  Um.  Okay.  If you don’t mind may I ask – how is your health?  You recently had a stroke and many people are worried that you are still suffering the after effects of this stroke.  Specifically critics are saying that you have trouble understanding words and engaging in conversation.  How do you respond?

JF:  My bologna has a first name.  Gloop!

MI:  Well I kind of understood that. So you are saying that there are no ill effects from your stroke and you are ready to serve the citizens of Pennsylvania?

JF:  Trenzalore!

MI:  Trenz – what?  Isn’t that where the 11th Doctor Who died and his Tardis was transformed into a tomb?  What has this to do with the needs of the citizens of Pennsylvania?

JF:  Nippy nop noopy dippy dop doopy la la la la lo.

MI:  If you don’t mind me saying so I do believe we are right now witnessing the effects of your stroke.  You seem impaired.

[Joe Biden enters] 

You know…….the thing!

MI:  Ladies and gentleman it’s President Biden.  Pleased to meet you President Biden.  What brings you here?

PJB:  You know……the thing.

MI:  The what?  Are you referring to the classic sci fi movie? And if so which one? The original or the Kurt Russell one?

PJB:  If you hold near and dear to you that you uh um like to be able to um.

MI:  Okay.

PJB:  Anyway.  We’re ready to get a lot done.  Where am I?

MI:  You’re here.  Talking to Manhattan Infidel.

PJB:  Merfin and Ruthers!

MI:  I……I don’t know what that means.

PJB: I’ll lead an effective strategy to mobilize trunalimunumaprzure.

JF:  Trunalimunumaprzure!

[President Biden wanders off, shaking hands with the air.]

MI:  Mr. President.  Mr. President.  Please.  I’m over here.

[Biden leaves the room, still shaking hands with people who aren’t there.]

MI: Well that was unusual.

JF:  Trunalimunumaprzure!

MI: Oh shut up.

[Nancy Pelosi enters] 

I like wine!

NP:  Joe Biden, is committed to ending, to crushing the virus. And having a bill that… America’s initiative, built back better… A vaccine, answer to our prayers!

MI:  What?

NP:  New layers of beurocracy to high speed broadband. Do you have any wine I can drink?

MI:  No.

JF:  Trunalimunumaprzure!

MI:  Shut up!  For god’s sake just shut the hell up. All of you.  That does it. I’m out of here.

JF:  Trunalimunumaprzure!

NP:  Trunalimunumaprzure!

And so ended my interview with, oh the hell with it. If anyone needs me I’ll be down at Fitzgerald’s having a pint.  Or ten.

(23)

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10 Oct 22

People Magazine Names Smeagol Sexiest Hobbit Alive!

He’s a sexy, bad boy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a move that surprised many, People Magazine has named Smeagol “The Sexiest Hobbit Alive!”

“There were of course many candidates for the honor” said People’s editor.

But when we narrowed it down it all came back to Smeagol.  We felt Smeagol had a smoldering sexuality to him that women find irresistible. It must be those sad, expressive eyes.  You just want to hold him.  And then of course take a shower because he smells like raw fish.

When asked why Smeagol beat out the favorites Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry, People magazine had this to say:

The others were all too good. They were trying to save the world. They were trying to do the right thing and follow their calling. And that’s just so vanilla. What woman wants a man who does the right thing, provides for her, pays the bills and always come home?  That may have been okay for our parents’ generation but it’s frankly rather boring for us. That’s why Smeagol is so different.  He doesn’t want to save the world. He only wants to eat raw fish and get his precious back. That is so romantic!  Plus there’s an element of danger to him, which is very attractive. When our staff discovered that he killed his cousin we all wanted to be his pen pals.

“We talked to a woman who went on a date with him” added People Magazine.

She said she’s never felt more in danger in her life and that it was such a turn on.  He was rude to the waiters, had a sharp temper and when they brought him cooked fish he went postal and threw it back at them. “I must have raw fishes” he kept screaming. 

Fish should be eaten raw!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So they brought out a raw fish, still alive and wiggling.  Smeagol killed it by smashing it repeatedly on the table. His date said that while she normally doesn’t like sushi such a masculine display of power turned her on to no end!

Indeed when the Sexiest Hobbit Alive issue hit the newsstands, women were lined around the block to buy a copy.

“I’ve always found Smeagol so sexy” said one woman whose comments were typical of the many woman interviewed.

Frodo was boring and Sam was fat. But Smeagol jumped right out at you!  That bad boy can smash a fish on my table anytime.  Hell, he can smash the fish all over my body if he wants. He’s a freak and you know what?  So am I.

When asked to comment on People Magazine naming him the sexiest hobbit,  Smeagol said that he didn’t understand the award and that the editors of People Magazine were “Stupid, fat hobbitses”

(60)

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7 Oct 22

Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Horoscope! (The Backyard Edition)

Science!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because I am a well-read intellectual I read a lot of comic books that can mean only one thing:  I base all my decisions on what my horoscope says.  So for my many readers I now present your horoscope courtesy of the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel.™

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

No matter how tough your current challenges may be you can and you will find ways to deal with them quickly and effectively. With so much cosmic activity working in your favor now the word “failure” simply does not exist in your vocabulary.  However the phrase “Life without parole” definitely is in your vocabulary. (When I said deal with problems quickly and effectively I didn’t mean burying her in your backyard! Come on!  Show some imagination.  Bury her in the neighbor’s backyard.)

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

A work colleague will act in a ridiculously selfish manner today but you are advised not to get angry about it. Instead hack into their email and send out dick photos to everyone in the company under his name. Serves him right for being a dick to you. And when you are finished go home, dig up the body in your backyard and put it in his backyard.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Someone who has huge experience of life will offer you some good advice today and if you are smart you will listen and learn. That advice will be:  Don’t bury the body in your backyard.  If possible put it in a barrel and dump it offshore. Then send out some dick pics to distract people and throw them off your trail.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The more challenging a situation may be the more you will enjoy being put to the test. Oh who am I kidding. You’ll fold like a cheap suit. Then you will go home and cry.  Probably because the neighbor dug up your wife when burying his in your backyard.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You have to recognize that some people will oppose your suggestions no matter how good they may be. Hey look, personally I think burying the body in the neighbor’s yard is good advice.  But as usual no none will listen to you because you’re a Gemini and no one likes Geminis.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)

You could find yourself mixing with some strange people over the next 24 hours but that’s okay because they are burying bodies as well. The good news is you will learn from each other, and have some laughs as well. Who knew homicide was such a bonding ritual!

Leo (July 21-August 22)

Take extra care when dealing with physical property today because dragging a tarp with a body inside of it will only raise the neighbors’ suspicions.  Neighbors!  So nosy!  They won’t hesitate to call the cops if they get the chance – so don’t give them that chance. Bury them in someone’s backyard.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

It’s pointless trying to force people to do things for you today,  You’ll just have to bury that body yourself. Besides even if they help you they will make such a poor job of it that in the end you will wish you had done it yourself. No one ever comes close to your standards in body disposal.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Think only of the future today. Stop worrying about the one you are leaving behind.  Unless of course one of the nosy neighbors has witnessed you clumsily disposing of a body in a local trash compactor.  In that case definitely worry about the one you are leaving behind.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

You may be super sure of yourself and what you can do but don’t expect other people to take your word for it.  And why are you telling everyone you have bodies in your backyard?  I mean come on.  That’s just bragging.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)

You can be somewhat impulsive at times, which explains your high kill rate.  Remember:  There must be a business reason to kill someone. Unless of course they are a Capricorn in which case by all means just kill them.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

If you weren’t so goddamned slow you might have been able to avoid that Sagittarius with murder in his eyes.  But now it’s too late. You’re stuck in a tarp and he’s burying you in his backyard. Way to go slow ass!

(215)

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3 Oct 22

Air Force Academy Introduces New Inclusive Language

Gender is a bourgeois construct

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In an effort to modernize, the United States Air Force Academy has announced that going forward cadets are to use their new guide to inclusive language.

“We feel that the most dangerous weapon is language” said a spokesman for the Academy.

Oh sure we have nuclear weapons.  Sure we can bomb the crap out of  you.  But the pain of losing limbs and having your house destroyed is only temporary.  The real, lifelong pain is the pain of being misgendered.  I myself was misgendered once.  It was so painful I had to console myself by sexually harassing someone of a lower rank. They couldn’t complain though.  I used the correct pronouns when I threatened to end its career if they/it didn’t sleep with me.

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we have obtained a copy of the Academy’s new guide to inclusive language for its cadets which we now publish for our readers reader FBI Agents who have this blog under surveillance.

  • I want to write my parents.  What should I call them?

Anything but “mom and dad.”  These terms are fraught with white nationalism.  Instead we suggest such phrases as “they without a penis” and “sperm donor.”

  • But I see nothing wrong with calling my father “dad.”

You must be from a Red State. Never use the phrase dad.  It is insensitive to all our black cadets who of course have never met their fathers. If you must be binary use the phrase “caregiver” or “guardian.”

  • I have a girlfriend – 

Let me stop you right there.  Are you trying to get expelled?  Have you learned nothing about the hurt binary language causes?  Do not refer to it as your “girlfriend.”  Instead use the phrase “They who lies motionless beneath me while I engage in an act of heterosexual coitus.”

  • But sometimes she likes to get on top!

No doubt they/it is trying to release their pent-up pain over patriarchal domination.

  • No I think she just enjoys it.

Do you have they/its number? I wish to investigate this thoroughly.  For the record.

  • I have sworn to fight all our enemies foreign and domestic.  I haven’t forgotten about 9/11.  I will bomb any middle eastern terrorist!

Whoa!  Whoa!  Hold on.  First off 9/11 was a man-caused disaster, not an act of terror.  And the only terrorists in the middle east are the blood-sucking Jews.  You will not have to fight our Muslim allies.  Islam is the religion of peace, you know.

  • So I’ve heard. I guess I won’t be fighting Muslims then.

No.  The only terrorists are white men. I suggest bombing a school board meeting. It is a good thing to kill the white male terrorists who oppose Critical Race Theory.

  • When I’m over the target and the bombs are dropping can I still say “Bombs away”?

No.  We suggest first a prayer to Allah and then saying “Sorry for my systemic racism.”

  • Is it true that the Air Force will be redesigning its bombs?

Yes.  We have noticed that our bombs look similar to a penis. 

No more patriarchal bombs!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is of course patriarchal and in the future all our bombs shall be shaped like vaginas.

  • Will the new vagina-shaped bombs be aerodynamic?

What are we? Pilots?  How the hell should we know.  The Air Force Academy has more important things to worry about than aerodynamic principles.

It is hoped that the Academy’s guide to inclusive language will help future Air Force officers transition to a modern fighting force.

(46)

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30 Sep 22

My Exclusive Interview* with James Taylor

Hire me to sing at your political event!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ it is my pleasure to interview* none other than legendary singer/songwriter James Taylor.

MI:  Good morning Mr. Taylor.

JT:  Please, call me Carly Simon’s ex-husband.

MI:  Um.  Okay Carly Simon’s ex-husband.

JT:  I’ve seen her naked.

MI:  Yes, well anyway you were in the news recently when you performed “Fire and Rain”, a song about suicide, at the White House as President Biden touted his economic policies.  The same time you were doing this the Dow was tanking over 1000 points.

JT:  Your point being?

MI:  It’s just that many people have found that juxtaposition ironic. Do you have any comment on it?

JT:  I’ve seen Carly Simon naked.

MI:  Yes you already mentioned that.

JT:  No seriously.  I have pictures.  Contact my management for price and availability.

MI:  I’ll pass.

JT:  Speaking of price and availability I had so much fun singing at the White House that I’d like to announce that I am now available to sing at birthday parties.

MI:  Okay that’s interesting.  Why exactly?

JT:  I feel that celebrities are so distant from their fans nowadays and I want to bridge that gap and become more a singer/songwriter of the people.

MI:  Really?

JT:  Okay, I have two ex-wives that I have to pay alimony to and I haven’t had a hit in 50 years.

MI:  That makes sense.

JT:  Listen, will you give me money for this interview?  All I need is 20 bucks.  That’ll pay for a MetroCard.

[Manhattan Infidel hands James Taylor twenty dollars.]

MI:  So what’s it like doing birthday parties.

JT:  Oh it’s fantastic.  I love the atmosphere at birthday parties and the joy I can bring to a crowd.

MI:  As a performer that must be very satisfying.

JT:  It is.  I also get to talk about politics.  Politics and singing.  It’s what I do best.

MI:  Do the people that hire you mind you bringing politics into the mix?

JT:  They don’t mind at all.  In fact they appreciate it.  Well, except the last party I went to.  It was some kid’s fifth birthday party.  I started singing “Fire and Rain” and the father was all “Jesus he’s singing that suicide song again!” And then when I finished the song I asked the kids if they’ve begun transitioning yet.

MI:  Transitioning?

JT:  The kids were confused at first.  But then I told them that there was no need to be binary when it comes to gender.  I said they can change their gender and that it was easy.  All the doctor does is cut their penis down the middle and fold it back to create an artificial vagina.

MI:  How did the kids react to that?

JT:  They all started crying.  Some threw up.  That’s when the father kicked me out.  He must be a Republican.

MI:  I see

JT:  Thank god he paid me my twenty dollars beforehand.

MI:  Yes very fortunate.

JT:  Hey can I perform at your birthday party?

MI:  No I’ve already hired someone.

JT:  Who?

MI:  Carly Simon.

JT: Son of a bitch!

And so ended my interview* with James Taylor.

*Note: My lawyer has informed me that I have to tell people that said interview may never have happened.

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