We know you have white nationalists inside!

Acting on a tip, FBI agents today raided a local elementary school looking for suspected white nationalists.

“We had good intel that there were white nationalist students in the school” said the agent in charge of the raid.

So I gathered up about 100 agents and 30 assault vehicles for the mission.  With white nationalists you see it’s best to intimidate.  Once we were in position around the school we smashed the front door open with a battering ram – I have to admit that’s my favorite part of the job – and began the raid.

Once all agents were in place the students were rounded up and brought to the auditorium for questioning.

Standard procedure really.  We round up all the suspected white nationalists to one room so they can see us interrogate their fellow travelers.  That usually breaks a few of them and they start spilling their white nationalist secrets.

Students were brought to the front of the auditorium one at a time and asked these questions:  “What is marriage?” and “How many genders are there?”

At first we weren’t getting anywhere.  One kid asked us if gender was an ice cream flavor.  That made all the other kids laugh. Well we can’t have people mocking the FBI!  So I tasered him.  I probably shouldn’t have.  I mean the tasers are calibrated for adults or those who self-identify as adults.  I guess the kid was just too small because he immediately burst into flames. By the time we put out the fire he looked like charred brisket and smelled as bad as an Aaron Rodgers game-worn jock strap.  Another kid vomited all over my tactical FBI vest.  Do you know how cool I look wearing that thing? Now I’ll have to get a new one.  Vomit stains do not come off  Kevlar!

Eventually however the FBI found its white nationalist terrorist.

We asked this one kid what marriage was and you know what he said?  He said marriage is between a mommy and a daddy.  Naturally we were all disgusted by his binary answer. He was arrested on the spot.  We tried to handcuff him but he was too small so we had to zip tie him instead.  That’s when he started crying for his mommy.  I asked him “And what is a mommy.” He said “My mommy is a woman and she gave birth to me.”  I had to restrain my enraged officers from beating him.  One of our officers screamed “Men get pregnant too! It’s science!”

The zip-tied child was placed in the back of an FBI van and transported to a secure facility.

“He’s going to be spending a lot of time behind bars.  He won’t be threatening anyone with his white nationalism for years” said one agent.

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