Science!

Because I am a well-read intellectual I read a lot of comic books that can mean only one thing:  I base all my decisions on what my horoscope says.  So for my many readers I now present your horoscope courtesy of the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel.™

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

No matter how tough your current challenges may be you can and you will find ways to deal with them quickly and effectively. With so much cosmic activity working in your favor now the word “failure” simply does not exist in your vocabulary.  However the phrase “Life without parole” definitely is in your vocabulary. (When I said deal with problems quickly and effectively I didn’t mean burying her in your backyard! Come on!  Show some imagination.  Bury her in the neighbor’s backyard.)

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

A work colleague will act in a ridiculously selfish manner today but you are advised not to get angry about it. Instead hack into their email and send out dick photos to everyone in the company under his name. Serves him right for being a dick to you. And when you are finished go home, dig up the body in your backyard and put it in his backyard.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Someone who has huge experience of life will offer you some good advice today and if you are smart you will listen and learn. That advice will be:  Don’t bury the body in your backyard.  If possible put it in a barrel and dump it offshore. Then send out some dick pics to distract people and throw them off your trail.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The more challenging a situation may be the more you will enjoy being put to the test. Oh who am I kidding. You’ll fold like a cheap suit. Then you will go home and cry.  Probably because the neighbor dug up your wife when burying his in your backyard.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You have to recognize that some people will oppose your suggestions no matter how good they may be. Hey look, personally I think burying the body in the neighbor’s yard is good advice.  But as usual no none will listen to you because you’re a Gemini and no one likes Geminis.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)

You could find yourself mixing with some strange people over the next 24 hours but that’s okay because they are burying bodies as well. The good news is you will learn from each other, and have some laughs as well. Who knew homicide was such a bonding ritual!

Leo (July 21-August 22)

Take extra care when dealing with physical property today because dragging a tarp with a body inside of it will only raise the neighbors’ suspicions.  Neighbors!  So nosy!  They won’t hesitate to call the cops if they get the chance – so don’t give them that chance. Bury them in someone’s backyard.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

It’s pointless trying to force people to do things for you today,  You’ll just have to bury that body yourself. Besides even if they help you they will make such a poor job of it that in the end you will wish you had done it yourself. No one ever comes close to your standards in body disposal.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Think only of the future today. Stop worrying about the one you are leaving behind.  Unless of course one of the nosy neighbors has witnessed you clumsily disposing of a body in a local trash compactor.  In that case definitely worry about the one you are leaving behind.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

You may be super sure of yourself and what you can do but don’t expect other people to take your word for it.  And why are you telling everyone you have bodies in your backyard?  I mean come on.  That’s just bragging.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)

You can be somewhat impulsive at times, which explains your high kill rate.  Remember:  There must be a business reason to kill someone. Unless of course they are a Capricorn in which case by all means just kill them.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

If you weren’t so goddamned slow you might have been able to avoid that Sagittarius with murder in his eyes.  But now it’s too late. You’re stuck in a tarp and he’s burying you in his backyard. Way to go slow ass!

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