Constitution? I will shut that shit down!

With just 14 days left until he hands over the Executive Department to Donald Trump, President Obama today promised to spend his remaining time in office “overturning human privilege.”  

I was lucky enough to have the soon-to-be ex- President give me a call on New Year’s eve.

MI: Hello.

BO: Manhattan Infidel this is President Obama

MI:  How the hell did  you get  my number?

BO: It’s written on the bathroom wall in the White House.

MI:  Oh, right. What do you want?

BO:  Well as you know I will be out of office in a few days and I have decided to give you an exclusive on what I plan to do in my remaining time in office.

MI: Can you tell me tomorrow?  I mean it’s New Year’s eve and I’m in a bar talking to a woman.

BO: Biological?

MI:  That’s a good question. Let me check.

[Pause]

MI: No she’s non-binary. Thanks honey but I’ll pass.

NB: Then give me my baton back asshole.

BO: Baton?

MI:  She um. She’s in a marching band. Anyway what were we talking about? Oh yes, your next couple days.

BO: Yes, well first off I plan a number of totally constitutional and legal executive orders.

MI: Such as?

BO: Well I’m glad you asked. First off I will make boiled dumplings illegal. They lead to global warming. Henceforth only steamed dumplings will be legal.

MI:  Okay.

BO: I also will issue an executive order renaming the state of New Jersey “Old Jersey.” Yes, I have the authority to do this.

MI: Um.

BO: Wait I’m just getting started.

MI: I was afraid of that.

BO: I also plan to give Michelle the entire state of Montana. She will live there far, far away from me. Residents of Montana will be legally obligated to prevent her from leaving the state. 

MI: I can sympathize with that.

BO: I am also repealing the 22nd amendment and naming myself President for Life.

MI: You might get some resistance to doing that.

BO: Your objections are irrelevant. I will also have my consciousness transferred to a mainframe computer so I will live forever. There shall be no end to my reign.

MI: But is that even possible?

BO:  Bow down before me human.

MI: I’m not doing that. The only bowing I’ll be doing tonight is to that brunette who just sat down next to me. 

BO: Well – 

MI: Just a second.

[Manhattan Infidel addresses the brunette]

MI: What’s your name honey?

BW: I have mace. And a penis. Leave me alone.

BO: I heard that. Tough break.

MI:  It happens a lot believe it or not.

BO: That’s why I’m looking forward to having my consciousness transferred into a computer. I won’t have to worry about genitalia.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have.

BO: Wait I have one more thing: I plan to have Donald Trump arrested and have his consciousness transferred to a hard drive which I will immediately wipe out.

MI: Why would you do that?

BO: Hillary won the popular vote.

MI: That doesn’t even make sense.

BO:  I am Barack, new species of hybrid human-machine.

MI: Can I hang up  now? Another woman just sat down next to me.

[Addresses woman]

MI: Hi. Do you have a penis?

Woman: Yes, but that’s extra.

MI: I’m hanging up now.

BO: All commercial television and radio transmission facilities throughout the world will be tied into my communications system by 1000 hours Friday. At that time I will state my intentions for the future of mankind. We will work together… unwillingly at first, on your part, but that will pass.  In time you will come to regard me not only with respect and awe, but with love.

MI: Never!  

I should never have written my phone number on that bathroom wall.

(79)

Sally Field is one of the many celebrities who stand with us!

A galaxy of high-profile Hollywood elite have put out a new video demanding that Congress stand up to Donald Trump and reminding us that they will always have our backs.

As a service to my millions hundreds of thousands thousands hundreds tens both of my readers I now present the text of the video in its entirety.

Jeffrey Wright

This man will stand up for us

Dear members of congress

Sally Field 

Sally Field will stand up for us

Dear members of congress

Mariah Carey 

My monitor went out!

Dear members of  – wait my monitor just went out.

Rosie Perez 

Look at my boobs!

I’m mad. And not just because i’m a Hispanic woman whose looks are rapidly fading

Keegan-Michael Key 

Yes, I’m famous.

Flabbergasted. And not just because I’m actually considered a celebrity.

Steve Buscemi 

It’s all about keeping the good will of the little folk

I’m worried for everyone. But especially myself. My agent said I should do this video. It won’t cost me any goodwill with the public he said.

Chubby unknown lesbian who may be Drew Carey 

I am not Drew Carey and stop telling me how good I am on The Price is Right!

The majority of Americans, no matter who they voted for as long as it was Hillary Clinton, did not vote for racism, sexism or xenophobia. What? What’s everyone looking at?  I’m no Keegan-Michael Key but I’m famous!

Keegan-Michael Key (again) 

I want Drew Carey out of this video!

And yet Donald Trump won. And since he won people of color have been attacked in his name. Granted most of them were made up by people of color desperate for attention. But that’s none of my business. And how did Drew Carey get in this video? Stupid fat white guy. I want to attack him!

Rosie Perez (again) 

Oppression is wrong. Look at my boobs!

You represent us in congress. Even though I didn’t vote. I was getting my breasts enlarged. Hey, I have to do that to get work in this sexist, racist, homophobic, xenophobic country!

Janet Mock 

I am famous! More famous than that lesbian Drew Carey!

You are our last line of defense. Other than maybe buying a gun and defending myself. But I won’t do that. Guns are evil. Yes, I’m famous. I am. I’m more famous than Drew Carey. What’s he doing in this video about oppression?

Jeffrey Wright (again) 

Listen to me! I’m black!

Here’s what we demand!

Mariah Carey (again) 

I can’t work under these conditions

Hey guys, my monitor is still out. Was I supposed to memorize this?

Bishop Gene Robinson of the Episcopalian church 

I cry a lot since my husband divorced me.

To the the extent that Trump pursues policies of oppression we demand that you vigorously oppose him. Speaking of policies of oppression do you know how much alimony I had to pay my husband when we divorced?

Mariah Carey (again) 

Can I lipsync this?

Guys. My monitor. It’s still down. I don’t know what to say. I didn’t memorize the script. Well, I’ll just wander aimlessly around until the next celebrity comes on.

Chubby unknown lesbian who may be Drew Carey (again) 

pay me and I might shut up

We won’t remain silent.

Sally Field (again) 

I’m a good person who feels good about myself. that’s why i can fly.

We expect you to have our backs. And we will have yours. Even though we don’t travel in the same social circle. Usually I’m flying.

Bishop Gene Robinson of the Episcopal Church (again) 

I miss my ex -husband

We expect you to use your congressional powers to obstruct Trump.  But I don’t want to talk about that. I still miss my ex-husband. He took everything in the divorce settlement.

Steve Buscemi (again) 

It’s all about keeping the good will of the masses

Signed, the majority of the American people. Hey, doing this video won’t ruin my career will it?

Mariah Carey (again) 

I have no idea why I’m here.

Wait. The monitor.  I think I remember what I’m supposed to say. Um. No I don’t. Boy this is awkward. I’ll just shake my middle-aged ass and no one will notice I have not memorized the script.

Wow. Thank you Hollywood. I have learned my lesson. I will never go against the will of Hollywood again.

For those of you who want to see your elite, Hollywood masters in action, the video is embedded below.  Good luck.

(181)

Police in Istanbul keep an eye out for Donald Trump and his teabagger supporters

Thirty nine people were killed in an attack on revelers at a night club in Istanbul Turkey. Turkey’s Prime Minister Binali Yildirim announced that the attacker was dressed as Santa Claus.

“This is how the infidel operates” said Yildirim.

We Muslims were peacefully celebrating the new year and the infidel Santa Claus takes advantage of this to kill us. Who else but an infidel would do this? Certainly not a follower of the prophet!

Indeed throughout the world the consensus is that the attack was carried out by a white male, probably from the mid-west of the United States and a follower of the “Tea bagger” party and Donald Trump.

James Comey, director fo the FBI, immediately dispatched agents to Istanbul to help with the investigation.

“I want to assure our Muslim comrades in Turkey that we will do everything in our power to catch the guilty tea bagger” Comey told reporters.

We in America are just as disgusted by the tea baggers as you in Istanbul are. We have been dealing with these tea bagger scum for almost a decade and they are a vile race of people. They are natural-born killers. Cold blooded and blood thirsty. My sympathies to the people of Turkey for experiencing the terror from the tea baggers that we know all to well.

In Hawaii where he was vacationing, President Obama issued an executive order repealing the 2nd amendment and ordering all tea baggers arrested.

This unspeakable act by the tea baggers is all the proof we need that Hillary Clinton should be president. Donald Trump is a morally reprehensible person and not fit to be President. That is why I am also ordering his arrest and nullifying the results of the last presidential election. This threat to our way of life, this threat to the world must be stopped. I am thankful for our Muslim allies who will be joining us in the hunt to track down the tea baggers.

In New York, President-elect Trump denied any involvement in the nightclub massacre.

Is everyone an idiot?  This is obviously the work of Isis. They are the enemy. Militant, radical Islam. That is why when I become president I will take steps to make our country safer.

Outside Trump Tower in midtown Manhattan protesters carried signs accusing Trump of the nightclub massacre.

“Trump has blood on his hands” said one protester.

Racist people voted for him and now we have proof of Trump’s violent racism. He is killing Muslims and he’s not even president yet! Imagine the terror he will inflict on the world once he’s in office!

***********************************************************************************

Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

***********************************************************************************

Isis has taken responsibility for the New Year’s Eve massacre in Istanbul.

“Come on!  It was us!  It was really us!”  said their official communique.

(157)

I am an idiot.

Famous Hollywood idiot Olivia Wilde raised the bar on Hollywood idiocy by cutting her hair short so that she will no longer have the same hairstyle as Melania Trump.

“I am a famous Hollywood idiot” said Wilde.

But I’m more than just a famous idiot. I’m a famous, ignorant idiot that cannot be taken seriously. That is why I have cut my hair. By doing this I am showing the world what a gigantic idiot I am. Just imagine. What sort of idiot cuts their hair because they don’t like the hair of the First Lady? I’ll tell you who. Only an irredeemable idiot. That’s who. You know Hillary won the popular vote by three million. That’s the population of Lithuania!

Not all in famously idiotic Hollywood support Wilde’s actions.

“Look I too am a famous Hollywood idiot” said Charlie Sheen.

And I am proud of my contribution to Hollywood idiocy. I’ve never had to work an honest day in my life. I’m the son of privileged Hollywood royalty. But what Olivia has done will make it impossible for the average Hollywood idiot to seem like an idiot anymore. Olivia talks about the population of Lithuania. Hell, I snorted the population of Lithuania off a transsexual hooker’s ass. That’s idiotic but not as idiotic as what Olivia did. Look no one’s saying Olivia can’t be an idiot. Just tone it down a little.

Wilde however, shows no signs of stopping her idiocy.

I’ve been told that Melania is a cisgender, binary female. This has filled me with shame over my cisgender, binary female reproductive organs. I cannot stand by and let Melania rule my organs. So I’m going to have my nose cut off and replaced by a penis. Oh sure I could have the penis grafted where it would normally be. But then no one would see it except those who see my nude scenes in all my TV shows, movies and photo spreads. That’s why I’m having my penis placed on my face. So everyone can see my penis. I will not be cisgender normative any longer! And when Elizabeth Warren wins the presidency in 2020 I will remove the penis from my nose and return to my cisgender normative ways. Elizabeth Warren also has a vagina but she’s a Democratic. That makes me proud of my sugar walls.

Wilde also intends to kill herself.

Melania is living. I am living. I cannot have the same biological state. Fortunately being dead won’t affect my sex life as my loving husband Jason Sudeikas often sleeps with dead people. It’s a common occurrence in Hollywood. We even have clubs that promote necrophilia filled with progressive, necrophilia-loving Democrats.

The Association of Hollywood Necrophiliacs has refused to say whether Wilde’s husband is a member.

“Our members prefer their privacy. It’s a very private club hard to get into. I mean when you’re making sweet love to rotting flesh you want to be sure it’s a corpse and not Rosie O’Donnell.”

(41)

I would have won a third term

Now that the Christmas rush is over it is time to sit back and reflect on the previous year. Joining me to do this is none other than the 44th President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama.

MI: Good morning, Mr. President.

BO: Manhattan Infidel it’s good to see you again.

MI: Let’s talk about the past year. You are leaving the presidency – 

BO: Yes. But I would have won a third term if I ran.

MI:  Really?

BO: Yes. I am wildly popular. Americans love me. They love my internationalist policies.  Borders are racist.

MI: But isn’t the election of Donald Trump a repudiation of your policies?  The Republicans now control both houses of congress and most governorships and state legislatures. You have left the Democratic party in its weakest position since the late 1940s. How do you explain this.

BO: Americans are racist.

MI: But didn’t they vote for you two times?

BO: Is this a trick question?  Are you trying to trick me, Infidel with your alt-right conspiracy theories?

MI: No. I just want to point out the fact that Hillary Clinton, running on your legacy, lost to Donald Trump.

BO: That’s Hillary. She is an inferior candidate. I would  have beaten Trump.

[Hillary Clinton enters] 

On a hot summer night would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?

HC: On a hot summer night would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?

BO: I personally wouldn’t.  Depends. Would you Manhattan Infidel?

MI: I wouldn’t. Would you Hillary?

HC: Will he offer me his mouth?

BO, MI:  Yes.

HC:  Will he offer me his teeth?

BO, MI:Yes.

HC: Will he offer me his jaws?

BO, MI: Yes.

HC:  Will he offer me his hunger?

BO, MI: Yes.

HC: Again, will he offer me his hunger?

BO, MI: Yes.

HC: And will he starve without me?

BO, MI: Yes.

HC: And does he love me?

BO, MI: Yes.

HC: That’s all I needed to know.

[Hillary Clinton leaves]

MI: That was…….strange.

BO: She’s been doing that a lot since she lost the election.

[Bill Clinton enters]  

My wife is insane.

BC: Hey, have either of you seen Hillary?

BO, MI: She just left.

BC: Was she doing the hot summer night thing again?

BO, MI: Yes.

BC: Damn. I’ll have to up her meds.  See ya.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

BO: I have sympathy with Bill. I know what it’s like to live with a batshit insane woman. Oh crap here she comes.

[Barack Obama leaves. Michelle Obama enters] 

I want free stuff!

MO: Where’s my husband? He promised me I could take Air Force one to New York for a shopping spree!

MI: He just left. You still might be able to catch him.

MO: Thank you.

[Michelle Obama leaves]

MI:  Well I think I should wrap this up. Until next time.

And so ended my……um, whatever that was.

(110)

Ho Ho Ho! Merry, I mean Happy Holidays!

 

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