‘Twas the Night Before Christmas in a Social Justice Warrior’s House

Ho Ho Ho! Merry, I mean Happy Holidays!

Ho Ho Ho! Merry, I mean Happy Holidays!

 

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the co-op  Not a creature was stirring, because keeping our animal companions as pets is cruel;

the stockings were not hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas, that symbol of patriarchy and privilege soon would do the right thing and avoid the residence;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, thanks to massive doses of anti-ADHD medication;
While visions of iPhones danced in their heads;
And mamma, the breadwinner, in her business suit with shoulder pands, and I in my pajamas because I’m comfortable being led by a woman,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to try and unlock our gun which, due to New York State’s “Safe laws” was not readily accessible. 
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of midday to Dominicans selling crack down below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer, no doubt captured and put in cages when they aren’t working,
With a little old driver so fat and white,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick, that symbol of white privilege.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen! (All white, Germanic names not a name of color among them)
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, because of global warming
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the housetop the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too- that symbol of white privilege
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney white privilege came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, but what do you expect from a white male murderer because fur is murder!
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot; and here I thought Obama had put the coal industry out of work
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, at least he called himself a peddler, proving once again his racial insensitivity, just opening his pack.
His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! But these white men are all drunks, don’t you know!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, 
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath; I hope the co-op board doesn’t hear about this since tobacco products are banned
He had a broad face and a little round belly from eating meat
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly. 
He was chubby and plump, but who am I to body shame, a right jolly old elf, though they prefer to be called little people
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know he wanted to have sexual relations with me;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, soon I was on my stomach being penetrated
And laying his finger aside of his nose, he told me to tell no one
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
“Happy Christmas, I mean Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good night!”

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