A Patriot and lover of the glorious principles of socialism

Sixteen years after the 9/11 man-caused incident at the World Trade Center, New York’s compassionate and progressive mayor officiated at a ceremony in midtown at the former Columbus Circle.

In the moving two-part event the vestiges of white power and colonialism were removed as the statue of Columbus was torn off its pedestal and replaced by one of Mohamed Atta. The circle was then renamed “Mohamed Atta Circle.”

“Sixteen years ago our smug, insular capitalist existence was destroyed and scales fell from our eyes” declared the much-admired mayor.

I remember where I was when I first heard about this this man-caused disaster. I was teaching a seminar on overthrowing the capitalist, Christian order when one of my students told me that a plane had flown into the World Trade Center. My first thought was “White Christian Republican men! Is there nothing they aren’t capable of?” Later when I found out that they hijackers were adherents of the religion of peace I concluded that this was a teachable moment. Not only was a cathedral of capitalism torn down but people would become curious about Islam and its many progressive tenets. For Islam is also the religion of socialism. Like socialism it is peaceful, redistributionist and moral. I wanted to get our daughter genitally mutilated but was prevented by laws currently in place. It was then that I vowed if I ever became mayor to promote the principles of Islam and to destroy the last vestiges of colonialism and capitalism.

As the crowd chanted “Death to cisgender colonial capitalism” the statue of the monster Christopher Columbus was taken down.

It was then placed in a box, carried to the Hudson River and dumped into the water, never to befoul the enraged, progressive citizens of New York City again.

Next came the unveiling of the statue of Mohamed Atta.

The crowd cheered and many wept. Some threw flowers at it. One woman produced a blade and genitally mutilated herself in honor of the brave martyr of The Prophet.

Attached to the statue was the inscription:

Mohamed Atta

Hero to all

Martyr and feminist

Capitalism is dead

You shall serve The Prophet!

Mayor Wilhelm Jr. then declared the circle to be renamed “Mohamed Atta Circle.”

“A new dawn has begun” declared the handsome, progressive, compassionate, brave and always on time mayor.

We are emerging from the darkness of our Constitution and Judeo-Christian values (which are nothing but a cover for cruel, unfettered capitalism) into the light of socialism and Islam. We are ushering in an era of peace and tranquility. Also by honoring Mohamed Atta we show the Jews that we are not afraid of them. We are friends of the prophet. We also ask Israel to return all occupied territory to its rightful owners. Allah bless you. Socialism bless you. Please disperse to your homes.

To honor The Prophet more fully Mayor Wilhelm Jr. then ordered the electrical grid shut down and all internal plumbing within City limits removed.  In the place of capitalistic flush toilets outhouses shall be put on every block.

“In time I want to see all New Yorkers throwing their urine and feces out windows. This will make Allah happy.”

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Don’t say that word!

Following on the heels of ESPN’s controversial decision to removed broadcaster Robert Lee from a University of Virginia game because he shared the same name as a famous confederate general an internal memo from ESPN John Skipper has revealed a list of taboo subjects that announcers must not mention under penalty of suspension and/or firing.

As a service to my readers I, Manhattan Infidel, the most trusted name in not peeing in your sink™, now present said memo:

From the office of John Skipper, President, ESPN

Re:  Subjects not to talk about

Dear on-air employees of ESPN:

As you know we live in a divided country. Every day white supremicists, the alt-right and those who voted for Trump disagree with ESPN’s mission to provide social justice sports to our viewers. This is why Robert Lee (who has graciously agreed to change his name) was removed from a UV broadcast.

As productive as this was it is only the first step towards providing safe-space, non-judgmental, social justice sports coverage. Therefore the following topics must never be mentioned during an ESPN broadcast.

• Final scores:  To tell our viewers that one team is winning while another is  losing puts ESPN in the camp of “ableism.” Final scores, indeed all scores must not be talked about. Instead mention that “both teams are playing with hustle and heart” or something similar.
• Individual stats:  To display stats would penalize and stat-shame those who have lesser abilities. So instead of talking about a player’s ERA or batting average discuss his life story and his long struggle to overcome the white man’s oppression.  Note: If the athlete is white remain silent. (This is why ESPN does not televise hockey.)
• The weather (at least when the weather is good):  When broadcasting a night baseball game in April and the temperature is hovering around freezing never discuss it. Unless you can find a way to tie the cold weather into global warming as it is well-known in scientific circles that global warming causes colder temperatures.
• Sports:  I know that might sound counter-intuitive at a sports network but sports were created by men to fulfill their testosterone-laden desire to dominate others of less ableist nature. While contractually we have to broadcast these games please maintain the focus on social justice issues such as Black Lives Matter or Russian collusion in the 2016 presidential election instead of the action on the field. This is why viewers watch us.
• SS Minnow: My last name is “Skipper.” Before working at ESPN I had a job giving tourists in Hawaii tours with my ship. I’m tired of having people ask me why I didn’t have radar on board my boat so I could tell bad weather was coming. It’s not my fault the tiny ship was tossed! Hey if it weren’t for my courage and fearlessness the Minnow would be lost! The Minnow would be lost!
• Enlarged prostates:  I shall discuss this further in another memo. Right now I have to pee.
• George Lazenby: It broke my heart when he left the role of James Bond. Do not mention him. Ever. If you do you shall be fired quicker than you can say “Curt Schilling.”

As always, ESPN remains committed to diversity, inclusion and free speech. As long as its free speech we agree with.

You know I don’t quite think they get this whole “sports” network think anymore.

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I am much more than a cereal mascot

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel (“The most trusted name in making shit up™”) I have the pleasure of interviewing famous cereal mascot Frankenberry.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Frankenberry

FB:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It’s a pleasure to be interviewed by you.

MI:  I don’t know. The last guy I interviewed was pretty cranky.  Then again he just had his balls crushed.

FB: Um.  

MI: Not by me. You’re safe.

FB: Frankenberry likes his balls uncrushed. Frankenberry has to please his many female fans.

MI: Right. Your female fans.

FB: What are you implying?

MI: Nothing. It’s just that the top of your face looks like an ass, you dress in pink and you wear Elton John-style glasses.

FB: I don’t want to talk about this subject. Let’s move along.

MI: Wow. Cranky. Are you sure your balls haven’t been crushed?

FB:  No. Now what did you want to talk to me about?

MI: You’re a world-famous cereal mascot.  What is your relationship like with the other two mascots, Count Chocula and BooBerry?

FB: It’s one of profound professional respect. We see each other on the convention circuits.

MI: Profound professional respect? 

FB: Yes.  Absolutely. With both of them.

MI: Really?

FB: Alright BooBerry’s a bitch.  The f*cking loser. But I’m cool with Count Chocula.

MI: Good to hear. Let’s talk about the pink poo controversy. You sometimes turn the poop of kids who eat your cereal pink.

FB: We’ve addressed that and it has been fixed. Besides the kids didn’t mind. They thought it was funny. It’s the parents who freaked. Parents are always freaking. Sometimes they can be bigger bitches than BooBerry.

[BooBerry enters]

BB: I heard that! I’m telling Count Chocula!

[BooBerry leaves]

FB: Like I said, a real bitch.

[Frankenberry notices a statue behind Manhattan Infidel]

FB: What’s that?

MI: Oh that? That’s an award I won for being the most trusted name in Only Slightly Less Implausible Shit Than the MSM Features Every Night™.  

FB: May I?

MI:  Sure.  Just be careful the statue is heavy.

[Manhattan Infidel hands the statue to Frankenberry who proceeds to drop it on his balls]

FB: Oh god my balls. They’re crushed. My beautiful balls that I use to satisfy an exclusively female fan base.

MI: Yeah give it a rest.

FB: My balls! What am I going to do with my crushed balls?

MI: You’re in luck. That happened to the last guy I interviewed. We have to keep your balls elevated. Do you have a pulley?

FB: What? No.

MI:What about a lathe? Look around you. Are there any tools we can use to construct a rudimentary lathe?

FB: Don’t touch my balls!  I’m calling an ambulance!  My balls!  My balls! My kingdom for some uncrushed balls!

[Frankenberry runs out of the building]

MI: Oh there’s my lathe. Wait, come back! I have a lathe!

Frankenberry was very emotional.  You know I’m not sure it’s BooBerry who is the bitch.

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Ow my balls!

Today at Manhattan Infidel (“the most trusted name in satire™“) I have the pleasure of interviewing the dude who got hit right in the balls with a tear gas canister at an anti-Trump rally in Phoenix, Arizona.

MI: Good morning.  What should I call you?

DHBWTGC: My name is Joshua Stuart Cobin.

MI: That’s not colorful enough for my readers. I’ll just call you the Dude Hit in the Balls With a Tear Gas Canister.

DHBWTGC: If you must. The important thing is to get my story out.

MI:  Your story?

DHBWTGC: Yes I was fighting the oppression of my people,

MI: Your people are oppressed?

DHBWTGC: Yes. Trump is going to take away all our rights and oppress me.  My dad isn’t spending 40,000 a semester to send me to a private university just so Trump can fight equality! 

MI: Forty thousand a semester?

DHBWTGC: Artisanal, soy-based, grass fed, cruelty-free latte isn’t cheap you know.

MI: No I suppose it isn’t. But let’s get down to the question everyone wants to know:  How are your balls?

DHBWTGC: Um. They hurt. They hurt a lot.

MI: I imagine they must. You took quite the shot to your balls with that tear gas canister.

DHBWTGC: Yes.

MI: I mean you went down and crumbled onto the pavement like you were shot.

DHBWTGC: I was shot. In the balls. With a tear gas canister.

MI: What did the doctors say about your balls?

DHBWTGC: My balls are still pretty swollen. They’re about the size of grapefruits now. Doc says they will be swollen for a couple more weeks.They had to give me a few cortisone shots right in my nutsack. Very long needle. Went in one end of my nutsack and out the other. 

MI:That must have hurt.

DHBWTGC: It did. Not as much as being hit in the balls with a tear gas canister. But it still hurt.

MI: Did you see the tear gas canister before it hit you in your balls?

DHBWTGC: Obviously not or I would have covered up the old nutsack.

MI: Why didn’t you charge and attack the policeman who had fired the canister at you? Why did you fall down?

DHBWTGC:  Um, because I had just been hit in the balls.

MI: I see. What was going through your mind in the first moments after you were hit in the balls?

DHBWTGC: I was in shock mostly but I remember saying “Ow!”.  I said that a lot. That and “Oh my god I’ve been hit in the balls with a tear gas canister!”

MI: You lay there on the ground for a while. It looked like you tried to get up but couldn’t.

DHBWTGC: Well my balls had just been crushed so it was difficult to stand.

MI: And then someone wearing a Colin Kaepernick jersey came to your rescue and helped carry you off the street.

DHBWTGC: Yes. It was good to see Kaepernick not take knee for once. Though I support his right to shit all over the American flag. A flag of racism.

MI: What are your future plans?

DHBWTGC: For the most part I’ll be living at home with my mother and father. The doctor says I have to keep my balls elevated until the swelling goes down so I won’t be doing much walking around. My father built a contraption that keeps my balls elevated. I have to place them inside this pulley and – 

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have. 

And so ended my interview with the dude who was hit in the balls with a tear gas canister. And for my readers here are some photos of the dude being hit in the balls with a tear gas canister and a link to the best five internet memes about the dude who got hit in the balls with a tear gas canister.

My balls!

My balls!

Kaepernick with the assist!

My Balls! My balls have just been crushed by a tear gas canister!

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