ESPN Internal Memo Reveals List of Topics and Words Not to be Mentioned

Don’t say that word!







Following on the heels of ESPN’s controversial decision to removed broadcaster Robert Lee from a University of Virginia game because he shared the same name as a famous confederate general an internal memo from ESPN John Skipper has revealed a list of taboo subjects that announcers must not mention under penalty of suspension and/or firing.

As a service to my readers I, Manhattan Infidel, the most trusted name in not peeing in your sink™, now present said memo:

From the office of John Skipper, President, ESPN

Re:  Subjects not to talk about

Dear on-air employees of ESPN:

As you know we live in a divided country. Every day white supremicists, the alt-right and those who voted for Trump disagree with ESPN’s mission to provide social justice sports to our viewers. This is why Robert Lee (who has graciously agreed to change his name) was removed from a UV broadcast.

As productive as this was it is only the first step towards providing safe-space, non-judgmental, social justice sports coverage. Therefore the following topics must never be mentioned during an ESPN broadcast.

  • Final scores:  To tell our viewers that one team is winning while another is  losing puts ESPN in the camp of “ableism.” Final scores, indeed all scores must not be talked about. Instead mention that “both teams are playing with hustle and heart” or something similar.
  • Individual stats:  To display stats would penalize and stat-shame those who have lesser abilities. So instead of talking about a player’s ERA or batting average discuss his life story and his long struggle to overcome the white man’s oppression.  Note: If the athlete is white remain silent. (This is why ESPN does not televise hockey.)
  • The weather (at least when the weather is good):  When broadcasting a night baseball game in April and the temperature is hovering around freezing never discuss it. Unless you can find a way to tie the cold weather into global warming as it is well-known in scientific circles that global warming causes colder temperatures.
  • Sports:  I know that might sound counter-intuitive at a sports network but sports were created by men to fulfill their testosterone-laden desire to dominate others of less ableist nature. While contractually we have to broadcast these games please maintain the focus on social justice issues such as Black Lives Matter or Russian collusion in the 2016 presidential election instead of the action on the field. This is why viewers watch us.
  • SS Minnow: My last name is “Skipper.” Before working at ESPN I had a job giving tourists in Hawaii tours with my ship. I’m tired of having people ask me why I didn’t have radar on board my boat so I could tell bad weather was coming. It’s not my fault the tiny ship was tossed! Hey if it weren’t for my courage and fearlessness the Minnow would be lostThe Minnow would be lost!
  • Enlarged prostates:  I shall discuss this further in another memo. Right now I have to pee.
  • George Lazenby: It broke my heart when he left the role of James Bond. Do not mention him. Ever. If you do you shall be fired quicker than you can say “Curt Schilling.”

As always, ESPN remains committed to diversity, inclusion and free speech. As long as its free speech we agree with.

You know I don’t quite think they get this whole “sports” network think anymore.


2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    Can we still say the jig is up and there’s a n____r in the woodpile? Huh?

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