I don’t know what to believe in anymore

Today it is my privilege to interview the Bishop of Rome, His Holiness Pope Francis.

MI: Good afternoon Your Holiness.

PF: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: You recently made headlines when you revealed that you went to see a psychiatrist in the late 1970s. What did you go to see her about?

PF: I was confused.

MI:  About what?

PF: The meaning of life. Why are we here?  Who created the universe? Is there a god?

MI: Um. What? You’re a Catholic priest. Don’t you believe in God?  Wasn’t the universe created by him?

PF: Technically I am a priest but I’m also a Jesuit. And a Jesuit who believes in God is like a Republican politician who believes in small, limited government: A very rare thing indeed.

MI: So you’re saying?

PF: Who knows if there is a so-called “God.” The important thing is not to be so rigid in our thinking. What we believe is God may simply be a super intelligent alien from another galaxy. Or our own superstitions.

MI: What the hell? You’re the Pope! What about Jesus?

PF: We can’t be sure he existed. It might be fables. Or a super intelligent alien from the Andromeda galaxy. Personally I believe Jesus was an American Indian who came to Europe to combat climate change.

MI: You don’t believe Jesus was the son of God?

PF: The Church used to believe he was. Some of our more rigid priests still do. I don’t get these young, rigid, theologically backward priests. Haven’t they read any of the documents of Vatican II? Belief in Jesus is no long necessary for a priest. 

MI: What? Where does it say that? 

PF:I  don’t know. I’ve never read any of the documents of Vatican II. But I’m sure it mentions this somewhere.

MI: You’ve never read the documents of Vatican II?

PF: Never heard of them. Were they written by a super intelligent alien? Perhaps L. Ron Hubbard?

MI:  No!

PF: Oh, okay. I’ll hear your confession now.

MI:Why? You don’t even believe in the sacraments.

PF: True but people are watching. I have to protect my job you know.

MI: Oh alright. Forgive me father for I have sinned.

PF: I don’t believe in sin either.

MI: You’re ruining it for me.

PF: Sorry please continue.

MI: I have punched Mark Wahlberg in the face.

PF: That’s a very serious matter. May I ask why you did this?

MI: I thought he was Matt Damon.

PF: Well that’s no sin. I’ve punched Matt Damon myself. Right in the kisser. Down he went. Just like Liston.

MI: I also use only 100 watt light bulbs.

PF: I’m sorry but there is no forgiveness for that. God, or a super intelligent alien from the Andromeda galaxy condemns you to eternal damnation. Not that I believe in hell.

MI: This is useless. I’m out of here.

PF: Do you believe the Great Pumpkin might be a super intelligent alien?

I ended my interview and left. Perhaps I was too hard on Pope Francis. He might be onto something with the whole super intelligent alien thing. I mean I have a cat. She’s always watching me. It’s freaking me out. If anything is a super intelligent alien it might be her.

(132)