My Exclusive Interview with Matt Damon

There is only one “A” in my last name asshole!












Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ (“The Most Trusted Name in Not Pooping in Your Shower“) I have the pleasure of interviewing Hollywood superstar Matt Damon.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Damon.

MD: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Let’s get down to what everyone wants to know. How many “A”s are in your last name?  I always pronounce it Matt Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamon so I assume there are 17 possibly more?

MD: Your crude attempt at humor is to be expected from someone who doesn’t live in southern California nor regularly has dinner with George Clooney. I must say Americans are crude, rude, fat, offensive, stupid and racist people. I’m so glad I live in California and not the United States. You disgust me. You disgust the world.

MI: Wow. Someone has a bug up their ass.

MD: My bug up my ass, as you so provincially and crudely put it, is the racism of American society. A lot of people, myself included, are really waking up to the extent of the existing racism, and it’s so much worse than I naively thought. I just feel naïve at this point. I’m concerned about the damage being done to our institutions by the racist President the racist Americans voted in, with the help of Russia of course.

MI:I  see.

MD: Robert Mueller is kind of representing these institutions at this point, and just by some trick of history he’s the one who’s essentially defending them against these attacks, so hopefully his investigation is going smoothly. I just feel disgusted by Americans.  I feel disgusted by America. I hope it is invaded by Mexico and they teach Americans the values of tolerance and diversity. White Americans are institutionally racist.

MI: I see. You’re white aren’t you?

MD: Yes but I’m rich. That makes me a better, more virtuous, more tolerant person.

MI:  I see.  [Pause] May I punch you in the face?

MD: What?

MI: May I punch you in the face?

MD:  You can’t punch me in the face. I’m Matt Damon!

[Manhattan Infidel punches Matt Damon in the face]

MD: Ow. Why’d you do that? 

MI: I don’t know really. But it’s something I’ve always wanted to do.

MD: I’m going to tell George Clooney on you!  He’ll never invite you to his mansion on Lake Como in Italy.

[Manhattan Infidel punches Matt Damon in the face a second time]

MD: Ow. Why’d you punch me in the face a second time.

MI: Because the first time felt so good.

[George Clooney enters] 

Can I punch Matt Damon in the face too?









GC: What’s going on here?

MD: Manhattan Infidel just punched me in the face.

GC: You mean like this?

[He punches Matt Damon in the face]

MD: Ow. Why’d you do that?

GC: I don’t know. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do.

MD: But you’re my friend.

[George Clooney punches him in the face a second time]

MD: Ow. Why is everybody being so mean to me?

MI: Because you’re Matt Damon.

[Mark Wahlberg enters] 

I’d like to punch Matt Damon in the face too












MW: Can I  punch him in the face too?

MI & GC:  Sure go ahead.

[Mark Wahlberg punches Matt Damon in the face]

MD: What the hell man? What was that for?

MW: I’m tired of people mistaking me for you and punching me in the face.

GC: By the way Mark I’m sorry I punched you in the face earlier.

MW: It’s okay George you mistook me for Matt Damon.

MI:  [To crowd] Hey everybody I have Matt Damon here. Who wants to punch him in the face?

Crowd: We all do!

MI:  Okay line up single file and make sure you punch Matt Damon in the face not Mark Wahlberg. George, you hold him down.

GC: My pleasure.

And so ended my interview with Matt Damon. I left him being punched repeatedly in the face. I’d like to thank George Clooney for holding him down. I also want to apologize to Mark Wahlberg for punching him in the face. I thought he was Matt Damon.


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