I have no memory of these events and am horrified by these allegations

The Eastern European visitor to our land, Count Dracula, has been accused of sexual misconduct by several local women.

“He took inappropriate liberties with me” said Lucy Westenra.

He came to my house every night, sometimes dressed as a wolf, and bit me on my neck. Then he started to drain all the blood from me. I mean I’m a modern, sophisticated, liberated woman but if you’re going to do that you had better marry me. Or give me a role in your next movie. Or we could skip the marriage and just give me a role in your movie. Or we could skip the movie role and you could just give me money. But the point is if you are going to bite me on the neck and suck out all my blood you had better respect me!

The lawyer hired by Miss Westenra is asking for 50 million in emotional damages.

“My client was raped. Maybe not physically but emotionally” he said.

Since the sexual predator Count Dracula bit my client on the neck and drained all the blood from her body she is terrified to go out during daylight. She spends most of her time now prowling the Earth during night stealing children from their homes and dragging them to a nearby cemetery. For what I don’t know but it can’t be good. Eastern Europeans! We should place a travel ban on them or something. Except the Muslims. They are peaceful.

Mina Murray has accused the Count of repeatedly stalking her until she submitted to his advances.

“I thought he was weird” said Murray.

Weird but interesting. He had an exotic Eastern European charm to him. At first I thought he was a Muslim but when I asked him he frowned and said he carries the memories of the abandoned battlefields of his homeland and that he was known as Vlad the Impaler because he liked to impale Muslims on spikes. I didn’t want to judge him. We all have hobbies. I crochet myself. But then he started violating my personal space and saying things like “Mina, to walk with me you must die to your breathing life and be reborn to mine” and “I give you life eternal. Everlasting love. The power of the storm. And the beasts of the earth. Walk with me to be my loving wife, forever.” Forever? Hello that’s coming on a bit too strong. He also tried to get into my pants by saying “I have crossed oceans of time to find you.”  That line may work on other women but not me!

As for the Eastern European visitor to our shores, Count Dracula

I feel fabulous!

(pictured above in an undated file photo) maintains his innocence.

“I have no memory of these events” he said through his lawyer.

And I am horrified by these allegations. However they have given me courage to address certain aspects of my eternal life. I now choose to live as a gay undead creature of the night.

“I mean seriously” the statement concluded. “People should have figured this out before. Hello? Long hair curled into ringlets and dabbed with scented oils. The top hat and dandy suit.  Colored glasses. I look fabulous!”

(166)

“Just touch it” is no longer acceptable

Reeling from the past few weeks of sexual harassment allegations, producers in Hollywood have banded together to attend a weekend-long intensive seminar on how to spot and avoid sexual harassment in the workplace.

“This is something we have to take seriously” said one producer who attended.

Like everyone else I never thought twice about trapping an actress in my hotel room and having her watch me take a shower before forcing myself upon her. But now everyone is so sensitive. Oh well. I don’t agree with the new climate but we have to adapt to survive. Sexual harassment shall have no place in the new Hollywood, like Christians and conservatives. And post-op transgenders. Now pre-ops can still come to my hotel room and watch me take a shower before I force myself on them. What? Oh, right. Sexual harassment. Old habits die hard I guess.

The seminar began Saturday morning when all producers in attendance had to fill out a questionnaire.

“We had questions on possible scenarios a producer would encounter” said a counselor at the workshop.

For instance the first question was “A 20 year-old would-be actress from the Midwest arrives at your office for an audition. What is the proper course of action for you to take?” Ninety six percent of the producers answered that question with “Bend her over a table and f*ck her in the ass.” I was shocked by this. Frankly I only expected around 65 percent to answer that way. I knew then we had our work cut out for us.

Another exercise involved putting producers together with actresses hired specifically for the seminar to see what the producers did.

Amazingly every producer who was attending took out his penis and masturbated in front of the actress. We weren’t prepared for such a large volume of bodily fluids. We had to move the workshop to another place while the original location was fumigated by a hazmat team.

Saturday night ended with the producers retiring to their rooms.

We told them bring only a toothbrush, toothpaste and a change of clothes. Lights out were at 10 pm. Around 2 am we were awakened by police who said they had gotten reports of noise violations on the producers’ floor. We went up and they had somehow hired strippers. We asked the cops to have the strippers leave. After the strippers left the producers asked the cops to strip for them. I backed away at this point. I didn’t want to know.

On Sunday the producers were asked to write a short essay on why sexual harassment is wrong.

The essays we got were unsatisfactory. Some wrote that sexual harassment doesn’t exist. Others said that sexual harassment is only sexual harassment if you get caught. A few wrote that it’s only sexual harassment if she sees your face when you are bending her over a table and f*cking her in the ass. I had one producer who didn’t write anything. He just pleasured himself and handed in his paper with his biologicals all over it. We flunked them all. 

The workshop ended when the producers left to attend the “world’s largest circle jerk” at Kevin Spacey’s house.

“And I thought football players were bad” said the workshop organizer.

(61)

Excuse me while I whip this out

As a reporter blogger manic depressive it is always a feather in one’s cap to interview a figure on the front pages. So today I have the honor of interviewing comedian, director, producer and auteur Louis C.K.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. C.K.

LCK: Hey, what’s up?

MI:  It is a pleasure to meet you. I’ve been a fan of yours for years.

LCK: Why thank you. That’s a very kind thing to say.

MI :Now you have a new movie coming out.

LCK. Yes. One I’m very proud of. But before I talk about that may I take my penis out?

MI: What?

LCK: May I take it out?

MI: Oh hell why not. We’re all men here and men have to do what men have to do!

LCK:  Exactly!  Men!

[Louis C.K. take his penis out and begins pleasuring himself]

LCK: Women. They just don’t understand how natural and normal it is for a man to take it out.

MI: I know!  In fact I think I’ll take mine out.

[Manhattan Infidel takes his penis out]

LCK:  Men!

MI: Men!

LCK: Men!

MI: Men!

LCK:  It’s science. Men have to take it out. 

MI: Why are women so anti-science?

LCK: They just don’t understand.

[Caitlyn Jenner enters]  

I used to love taking it out

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CJ: Hi guys, what’cha doing?

MI & LCK: Taking it out.

CJ: I used to love doing that. It’s totally normal. May I join you?

MI & LCK: The more the merrier.

CJ: Dammit I forgot. I’m post-op. I have no penis anymore.

MI: You cut your penis off?

CJ: Well technically I had it sliced down the middle and folded in upon itself to create an artificial vagina.

MI: Can’t you just play with your lady parts?

CJ: I can’t. My artificial lady parts have no natural lubrication!  I have no natural lubrication! I’m drier than the Sahara desert and that can cause painful intercourse. I hate you God!

[S/he runs away screaming “I’m drier than the Sahara!”]

MI: That was odd.

LCK: Never slice your penis down the middle and fold it in upon itself. That’s the first thing they taught us in the Boy Scouts

[Chaz Bono enters] 

I want to take it out but I have no penis

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI & LCK: Chaz Bono, famous female to male transgender. Chaz what brings you here?  Care to join us as we take it out?

CB: I’d love to but unfortunately I ran out of money before I was able to get a penis

MI: Tough break. What do you do when you want to take it out?

CB:  I’ve fashioned a makeshift penis using some chicken breasts that I duct tape to my body. Unfortunately whenever I do that the cat follows me around and tries to eat my penis.

MI: Ouch.

CB: If you know of anyone with a spare penis have them hit me up.

[Chaz leaves]

MI: Never let a cat eat your penis.

LCK: That’s the second thing they taught us in the Boy Scouts.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have.

LCK: Do you have any tissues?

MI: On the desk. It’s been fun taking it out with you.

LCK: It’s something all men do. Women just don’t understand.

And that was my interview with Louis C.K.  Women. They just don’t understand science.

(146)

You can’t fight nature

In a crime that shocked the tight-knit community of children in this town, Woodstock, beloved bird friend of local beagle Snoopy, was brutally murdered and eaten by his best friend.

“I heard chirping. Not normal chirping but a high pitched scream” said Charlie Brown.

I ran out to see what had happened and I found Woodstock in Snoopy’s mouth. Poor Woodstock appeared to be still alive but I knew he wouldn’t be for long if I didn’t stop Snoopy. So I ran over to him and said “Give me! Give me the bird! Spit it out!” But he wouldn’t. I could hear Woodstock’s flesh ripping. Snoopy tore the bird in two and continued eating. Finally when he was done he spit out a bone and walked away. Cool as a cucumber like he had done nothing wrong. All that was left of Woodstock was his beak and part of a toe. I then called the police and reported the crime.

Police arrived shortly thereafter and cordoned off the crime scene. As curious, frightened and shocked neighbors watched police photographed Woodstock’s remaining body parts and placed them in sterile bags. Snoopy was then put in handcuffs and “perp walked” to a waiting police cruiser.

“You can all suck my canine balls. That is if I still had any” said the unrepentant Snoopy.

“I am shocked” said Peppermint Patty.

Those two seemed inseparable. Snoopy didn’t have to worry about food. Charlie Brown kept him well fed. That was the only thing the blockhead could do right. Why a well-adjusted house pet would do this is beyond me. He was well treated!

Charlie Brown’s best friend, Linus, theorized that perhaps Snoopy had converted to Islam.

I converted him to our Great Pumpkin religion awhile back. He went to all our meetings. He seemed happy. He used to say that the Great Pumpkin was “the religion of peace.” But then one day I saw him reading the Koran. He stopped going to the Great Pumpkin services. When I asked him why he said I was “an infidel who would either convert to Islam or feel the wrath of the prophet.”  I left the asshole alone after that.

Local musician Schroeder has announced that he has written a concerto, “Lament on the Death of Woodstock.”

It will be a haunting, yet experimental piece.  It’ll start off with my piano, which will symbolize the harmony of nature, and will end with brass playing discordant notes, which of course symbolizes man’s inhumanity to man. Yes I know Woodstock was a bird but cut me some freaking slack. I’m an artist. I make art from pain.

From his jail cell Snoopy has given few clues as to why he committed his crime, saying only that the “time had come.”

I was tired of the man putting a collar on me. My canine brothers shall rise up. I am not a pet for the man. Humans think they are so superior. Yeah, if you are so great let’s see you reach down and lick their balls. Can’t do it, can you? 

He then threw his cigarette on the jail cell floor.

“Snoopy don’t work on Maggie’s farm no more!”

(228)

We were losing ratings and ratings are revenue!

In a controversial move destined to upset purists, the Justice League voted today to adopt several rule changes.

“I’m not sold on these rule changes either” said Justice League CEO Batman who is totally not Bruce Wayne.

But times change. People nowadays don’t have the patience they used to. They don’t want us to wage long battles against evil. The public wants our battles to be action-packed and wrapped up quickly. So they were turning us off. Ratings were down, which affected the price our sponsors were willing to pay. And I don’t have to tell you that ratings equals money equals power. So, painfully, we’ve made these changes.

The most controversial of the rule changes is the adoption of a “DSH” or “Designated Super Hero.”

Just as in baseball some of our Superheros are great at offense but suck at defense. Superman for example. If I ever want someone to aggressively seek out and destroy an enemy it would be Superman, who is totally not Clark Kent, by the way. I also pride myself on my offense. But let’s say Aquaman is called upon to fight evil. Now I love and respect Aquaman and there is no one I’d rather have by my side if we were under siege but when it comes to offense he’s all wet. So the way the DSH would work is he would sit out any situations that call for offense and in his place me, Batman or Wonder Woman, who is a kick ass female and is totally not sleeping with Superman, would take his place. The DSH would allow for more action and a higher body count, which is what the public wants.

There will also be a limit on how long a member of the Justice League can take from the time he first hears of evil to when he actively engages in stopping evil.

We’ve gotten letters saying that we had become too slow moving and that we should speed things up. So let’s say evil is afoot. Under the rule changes we now have exactly one minute to get into costume and begin fighting crime. Now this will be tough on some of our members. They require lots of time getting into costume. I will be affected by this. If I put on my Bat costume to quickly and am not careful my nipples get pinched. Ever try to fight crime with pinched nipples? Not fun. But you do what you have to do to stay in business so I will comply with the new rule. This shouldn’t affect Superman and Wonder Woman who can throw on their outfits pretty quickly, which they usually remove in each other’s presence. Though I must again state that they are not sleeping with each other.

Finally to ensure fairness instant replay will be employed.

Some villains have accused us of attacking them when they aren’t actually engaged in evil. The Justice League’s lawyers have asked us to institute replay for fairness and our legal protection. If there is a question that actual evil is taking place we shall stop and our main office in midtown Manhattan shall look at the tapes and make a simple ruling: Evil afoot or not evil afoot.

“I hope these rule changes will modernize the Justice League and attract younger viewers” said Batman.

“Crap. I have to pee. It’s going to take me an hour to get out of my suit. I really should design a Bat suit with a pee hole.”

(72)